Son 9 being left out

[schoolrun30]

Looking for advice on this. My son has always got on with all the boys in his class and played together, mostly in groups. He loves It and hide and seek etc. They mixed up the classes last year and now he has two boys in his class that like to be in charge, super competitive and cliquey. My son gets on with other boys in the class but often wants to play the more active games that these two boys play along with three or four others.

They have started saying that he can't play. There are also examples of him being pushed during games eg if he caught someone in It and also shouted at eg. If he accidentally got in the way of their games. Even his good friend in the group, who I know has had his own issues with these boys, has now started joining in and saying that he can't play. I feel really sorry for him. What can I do to support. I have spoken to the school.

This is a hard age. Some of them start acting more grown up and think that being mean is a good way to make themselves stand out or be untouchable.

Since your son likes other kids in his class, I would advise him not to play with these boys at all. If they are excluding him, it's unkind but the fact is that they don't HAVE to play with him.

He doesn't have an automatic right to join in a game. He needs to learn that when kids are unkind that it's best to avoid them.

Sadly very typical of this age and heartbreaking to hear about at the end of their school day . Perhaps suggest a play date with a completely different friend just o balance out the focus a bit ... sometimes worked for me but mine are older now but having had to navigate three through these tricky years means I can fully empathise with you

Do continue your dialogue with the school. As a primary teacher there are things we can do to support children who are being excluded, and we’ll be able to see exactly what it is that’s going on. It’s so hard as a parent to not see it firsthand and be able to step in, so a good relationship with the school is vital. I hope it gets sorted soon. There’s often a transition period like this before a child finds a lovely new group of friends, so hopefully that’s on the horizon.

Thank you for the kind replies. It's good to know to continue to talk to the school.

I have suggested playing with the other children and this seems to be the route that he is taking now. It's just a shame because there are only 10 other boys in the class and when 5 or 6 are playing together, games that he enjoys, then he obviously wants to join in. He likes 3 of the other boys who play separately, but they are more into imaginative play/talking about gaming. He does enjoy gaming chat but not every break and imaginative play is not so much his thing.

He said that a boy called him gross today, because he had his tongue out a bit in the bathroom and he overheard another boy, saying to his desk partner 'aren't x and my son...' he interrupted them and said 'what am I?!' It's not the worst but I just feel sorry for him that he can't just run around, being silly and everyone be pleasant. The cliques are so unpleasant.

I'm so sorry to hear this OP. We had this at around the same age. You are doing the right things by encouraging him to play with others and talking to school. We really concentrated on out of school activities and friends.
Sadly for us it didn't improve so we moved schools in the end which was the right thing to do. After 15 months of it his confidence was shattered. I wish we'd moved him sooner he thrived so much.
Sorry that probably isn't what you want to hear but just to say there is always another option if necessary.

It's sad but other children side with the bullies it seems often.

I really hope it improves. The other thing he said today was someone said something along the lines of 'poor you, you had to sit next to my son' and then other children made sympathetic replies. I really hope it doesn't knock his confidence too much. He is a bit of a quirky, fidgety child but prior to this, he seemed to be friends with everyone at school, made friends easily in clubs or with my friends children etc. Often making other children laugh, playing the fool etc.

I'd have a word with the teacher to find out if there is a specific issue that you aren't aware of. e.g. is your son more annoying than you realise in class, or are his social skills behind (and he needs help).

I have spoken to them but they didn't highlight anything. I do know that he's a bit of a fidget though, it is possible that he's annoying to sit next to. I think he finishes work quite early often, so may then sit doodling etc which could be annoying too. But he is always sat next to girls, so the boys shouldn't really have an opinion on that.