DD 12 refusing school because of bully

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DD is so unhappy, feeling alienated by friendship groups exacerbated by the year group bully, she feels constant humiliation & doesn’t want to go to school tomorrow. Year 8, has been going on a while, she has suicidal feelings, school are now aware and Head of Year is trying his best to turn it around for her but she doesn’t want to go. I’m heartbroken for her, she just wants to belong to a group of friends, the one friend she has belongs to a group who won’t accept DD, she’s very anxious, thinks everyone is talking about her and feels like no one likes her. Have started the process to move schools, an oversubscribed school so won’t be quick, and not sure if this is the answer, her anxiety is through the roof and her confidence and self-esteem at an all time low. Do I keep her off, I probably will, or do I make her go.

I don’t know OP. Could she move classes, or is it too late for that to help? But I think I’d probably keep her off too.

It's a difficult one. My heart goes out to both of you. My nephew suffered horrendous bullying. I personally wouldn't send her. Especially if she is suicidal.
We found the school to be useless when it came to dealing with it. Never any punishment. Eventually my nephew moved schools and found some friends. There was the odd bully but nothing like what it was in his old school.

I think we past the stage of no return @Blackdog19, I’m trying to work with the school but met with resistance and tears from DD.

I would think with bullying and suicidal feelings in play, the other school could find a space without somebody needing to leave? Could you speak to council? Or to school if it’s an academy? I hope it all works out. I wouldn’t send my dd back to the original school.

Can you homeschool for a week as someone “has suspected covid”. Or somesuch excuse?

Buys you time to see what can be done. Meanwhile you phone the head teacher and see what’s happening.

Were any of the girls good friends with dd before? Are they allowed to visit DD in the area where you are or would covid rules in your town prevent such interaction? If allowed, once your dd has done her isolation for the kid-on suspected covid, one girl could be invited round for a while. Or even two if they wanted.

Might break dd back in to the friends group when the other girl isn’t there? The space will have been a break for all concerned? It’s a worrying time.

Is she under CAHMs?

Don’t make her go in......can you elect to
Home educate in the interim?

I’ve already spoken to the council, we have to wait for the new school to reject our application, then we can appeal. She won’t be going in tomorrow, luckily I WFH at the moment, I can attempt to homeschool by prepping some work in the evenings and I’m on hand for any questions. The school were supposed to be getting CAMHS involved on Friday but I’m going to make an appt with our GP 2mro. Unfortunately it’s difficult to help her build relationships and have friends round as we are in lockdown but as soon as we are able we will. Luckily she does have outside interests & friends but again these classes have all been via Zoom adding to her isolation I guess.

What a horrible situation and huge sympathy to you both trying to deal with this. I assume moving class is out immediately as they’ll be in bubbles? I’d definitely move her out of the school as you are doing but as this isn’t going to be immediate, I think I would send her in but want to see immediate action from the school regarding the bully including parents being informed and some clear plan of action from the school. Would it be possible Covid permitting for her to spend breaktimes somewhere like the library? When I was bullied at school at her age that’s where I used to hide!

On the plus side, speaking as someone who did move schools thanks to bullying, I think you’ll find the situation will in all likelihood improve for once she’s in a new school environment. It took me about a year to pick up my confidence off of the ground so don’t expect an immediate radical change but I have much much happier memories and still existent friendships from the school I was moved too.

Good luck & very best wishes.

If you phone her in tomorrow say it’s school refusal. They have to follow a set of rules which means she’s a priority.

You may then get a call from the Head of year to discuss.

They have to take it seriously and take action.