12 year old daughter has fallen out with friend group

[SusieQjd]

My daughter has had the same friend group since primary school. One of the girls has actually been friends with her since nursery. She called me from school yesterday to say she wasn’t feeling well and I picked her up. I knew straight away something was wrong but she assured me it wasn’t. Anyway I got the full story last night - her side of it anyway. She tells me that recently a new friend has joined the group and has taken a dislike to her. She has been making nasty jibes and trying to turn the rest of the group against her. It now turns out that her ‘best friend’ has also started joining in with this. When she came home sick yesterday, she received a barrage of messages from the group saying that they’d heard what she’d been saying about them all behind their backs etc etc. I’ve no doubt in my mind that she perhaps has shared secrets about others to the girls who was her ‘best friend’ but hey, who hasn’t! Not saying it’s right but I know I’ve done it in confidence. She is now absolutely distraught and said she can never go back to school. To top it all off, the BF’s mum (who has never been my cup of tea) has apparently also been making comments
about my daughter. So now I feel like marching up to her door and having it out with her but not sure that’s going to help. I don’t know what to do. I’m quite a ‘tackle things head on’ type of person but know that’s not always the best approach. Can’t bear seeing her like this though.

deep breaths. This is horrible for your daughter but any 'marching up to her door' from you will make things much worse.

I would focus on your daughter:

• has she broken confidences
• can she speak to her oldest friend to sort things out
• how will she cope if it can't be repaired

Try to calm everything down

Does your daughter have any other friend outlets that are not necessarily from her school? Like girl guides or football or anything that have friends from other schools.

Thanks. I do believe she has broken confidences and I think she feels guilty about that too. I’ve suggested she speak directly to her main friend and explain how she feels and that she’s sorry. She says that will just make it worse and they’ll all talk about her being ‘pathetic’. I’ve tried saying to her that if that’s the reaction then at least she tried. That’s maybe too much of a grown up response though? She is convinced she needs to move schools but I’ve also tried explaining that running away doesn’t solve thing either. She does have friends at other schools who are being supportive. Think that’s adding to the ‘I need to move schools’ thing.

Thanks for deterring me from going to the parents house.

It is very hard to see your kids upset but just try to dial it down a bit for her. It is not the end of the world, you can't say that to her as for her it is huge, but you mustn't ramp up the drama either.

Have another

Kettle on

I'm all for her apologising one to one. It won't make her pathetic but will claw back some of her self esteem. Encourage her to turn off the messages for a few days, keep her head down at school and concentrate on her work. It will blow over but they may not want her back unfortunately. My 13yr old gdd has no friends at her all-girls school as she knew nobody when she arrived and the cliques that formed didn't include her. They save seats at dinner break so there's nowhere for her to go and turn their backs on her. She is a beautiful, kind and gentle girl and it knocked her back but, with lots of support from us, she is happy there and concentrates on what school is all about - getting an education. I hope your daughter gets her head round it but tell her not to run after them as that boat might have sailed.

God growing up can be so awful. But this is the time to learn about character building. I'd want to run away too, it's a totally normal reaction but not one that should be enacted unless things become dire months down the line.

I think I’d assume your daughter has also been making “nasty jibes” that’s what she’s been saying “behind their backs”. And that the dislike was mutual. So both sides at it. Kids always down play their part in it.The unfortunate thing here is she mis judged it and didn’t have the support to be able to behave as she did.

I’d also not assume you know exactly what the other mother has said, and you saying something and saying you don’t like her is fairly similar behaviour to that what has caused your daughter to be in the situation she’s in. Also remember her kid will be doing what your daughter is doing, and telling her a version she thinks is palatable.

This is hard for your daughter and will feel huge to her, I’d lead by example, not join in. So don’t go and speak to the mother. Your daughter trying to get her old friend alone and apologise might be the way forward, but the friend might not be willing to listen.

However if she also can swallow her dislike for the new girl and get her on side, she’s a better chance of this being resolved, if not I think she’s in for finding a new friendship group I’m afraid,

God that sounds so upsetting for you. I would be bubbling to get involved if it was my DD but it would definitely make things worse. I would encourage her to apologise directly then leave them to it for a bit, find other girls to sit with at lunch etc, keep her head down and get on with her work until they calm down. 13yo girls can be absolutely brutal but it will die down, the instigator will find someone else to pick on. We absolutely tortured one of my friend group at 14 - after a silly argument on a night out she tried to kiss my girlfriend, was really persistent about it to the point my girlfriend had to push her off. Me and all the rest of our group completely cut her off and were evil to her for weeks, absolutely vile. She kept trying to make friends and the more she followed us the meaner we were. Eventually we got over it and became friends again (god knows why she still wanted us at that point). I've never been a nasty person but between hormones, insecurity and power struggles, young teenage girls can be absolute horrors. I hope it all blows over soon for her

I know exactly how your DD feels, this was me at 12, and again at 14. I tried so hard to fit in with 'the group' for years but we had just all developed into different people and they were very unkind. After a while of trying, I gave up and made new friends who were so much kinder and friendlier. They were so supportive. I wish I had done it earlier.
It got so bad before I did that, I begged my mum to move schools for me and she refused. It was awful seeing those girls daily.
A one of occurrence makes moving schools dramatic but if it carries on and gets really bad then please listen to you daughter and think about it.
For now though, she can't make people like her unfortunately and 12 is a very influential age. I would teach her to apologise for what she's done wrong and move on to another group of friends if she can. It will be a tough week but I guarantee she will have something sorted by next week in regards to a friendship group

Thanks everyone. Just breaks your heart seeing them so sad.

I agree, it's heartbreaking. Your daughter is growing up and is having to learn to deal with these issues herself - both physically and emotionally. This is how she'll develop coping skills (and reflect on her part in it) which will help her in the future. She's not your baby any more - it's awful isn't it? You'll hurt even when she's an adult but you'll have learnt to deal with it as well. And you thought the terrible twos were hard!

My dd went through the same situation in year 8. It was hard to deal with as there was no reasoning with the other girl. I even tried talking to the mum but no joy as she didn’t want to get involved.

It did settle eventually and dd now has a lovely new friend and is happier than she ever was.

We focussed on building up her self confidence and inner strength and did lots of stuff outside school so that the school wasn’t the main highlight of her day.

I should sympathise first. Then tell her that girls do go through this phase, AND they state secrets, so it isnt the end of the world, and they learn the hard way. She isn't a terrible person. Tell her never to be a secret sharer or to gossip about others, as those who share secrets with you will soon share secrets about you. As has just happened. More than anything, focus on rebuilding her confidence. If there is a huge issue about returning to school, you may need to approach her head of year.

Fab words of wisdom from all of you. I remember dramas when I was her age but the difference now is the mobile phones and social media. There is no escape. Confidence building on the agenda for now and less phone time

My DD12 had a message out of the blue on WhatsApp saying my daughter had caused her to have depression and suicidal thoughts. It was a truly unpleasant message, she was quite upset and couldn't think why she'd received it. I took the phone from her and just deleted the chat with her permission of course. Nothing else was said or done. They're now best of friends again.
This could have really escalated. I know the girls mum well. But I'm pleased with what we did.
I think they test the water with each to see what they can get away with. Best just to dial it down as others have said, don't react or make a drama and things should return to normal and the 'bully' will not get the reaction they were looking for and move on or not try again.

I have a similar situation with my 12 yo although there has not been a pivitol event - she has been rejected by primary school friend and excluded from newly formed friendship group at secondary school. Breaking her heart crying on me last night.

So I don't have any wisdom but just that I know how it feels.

We had sort of similar dd same age main friends mum rang to say how upset her dd was as she had broken my dds confidence and told others a secret and my own dd would not “let it go”. She fully acknowledged her own child was in the wrong for blabbing. We are working together on it - I am doing lots of talking about how if a friend does something wrong and apologises you have to move on etc. We may get them together for a coffee? It is tricky but sinking to the kids level and wading in is NOT the answer! Not easy is it ?!

Having similar issues with my year 8 DD, suffering from the bullies who think it’s ok to shout comments about her appearance on the way to school, humiliating her, send text msgs telling her to KYS (acronym for kill yourself) feels like no one likes her, has one friend but when she’s not around DD will sit in the loo at lunch, she’s been having suicidal thoughts - I’m heartbroken. I collected her today at lunch - she couldn’t cope any more, the bullying started just before half term, friendship issues before but didn’t think too much about that as having missed half of year 7 figured they are still sorting their friendship groups out, it appears DD isn’t included in any, the one friend she has gets asked by others why is she hanging round with DD. Her self esteem and confidence has taken a real battering, they are chipping away at her lovely bubbly personality. Have now got the school involved, will it ever get better, have made tentative enquiries to move her, to a school where she has more friends but there’s a waiting list, current school seem confident they can deal with these issues but I don’t think DD’s mental health will cope, she’s always been quite a resilient girl but this is too much. Needed a vent and found this thread, I hope our DD’s will all come through this, I never knew kids could be that mean.

Girls are brutal! If they’ve reached 12/13 without being turned on or best friends dropping them for some silly often unknown reason they are lucky! It’s been about a month since you’ve written this. Yes DD was wrong for talking about her friends behind their back but I’d remind her that while it’s wrong it’s very common place, something even grown ups do, try not to do it again but what’s done is done and she can’t keep crucifying herself over it.

I do think that she needs to back off from this group now - it’s not going to be fixed so she’ll only make herself miserable and a target by persisting. Ask her who else she likes and could ask if she can hang out with. The reality is that there will be other kids on their own or groups that would welcome her. I’d be speaking to the school to find out what they can do to help her facilitate new friendships as well as asking if there was a place she could go too like the library during break times if she didn’t want to be visibly on her todd. I’d also suggest she block these girls on her phone or keeps her phone switched off if it’s possible. It’ll give her some space.

The other mother sounds horrible but stay well clear, I get the wanting to vent but it won’t solve the situation and she is unlikely to say anything you’re going to want to hear.

Teenage friendships are very fluid and they do tend to move in and out of groups. None of DD1’s friendships in Year 7 made it through to Six Form. Take heart, she will make new friends!

Sympathy to you - been through/going through something similar with my 12yo DD and I honestly feel like it’s been the most challenging parenting phase since she was a newborn!
I had a thread in pre teens about it.
Not much advice other than it really will pass - my dd didn’t believe me that other friendship issues would come up in the group but sure enough they have, and it’s taken the focus off her.

My dd also, in the beginning, made a mistake in how she acted (in a group project) but j think the groups reaction was disproportionate.
There was also one girl who seems to have taken a dislike to her and wants her out of the group and took it upon herself to tell my dd that none of them wanted to be her friend (including her best friend from primary) over WhatsApp.
It’s been heart breaking but she has come through it and accepted the loss of that primary school ‘best’ friend although they’re still friends.
The book recommended on here “queen bees and wannabes” has been helpful in parts and I’ve shown dd some of it and she couldn’t believe how accurately it described some of the characters in her group.
We talked a lot about dignity and she has tried really hard to branch out and chat to other people although it hasn’t been easy.
She didn’t want the form tutor to know but luckily (in some ways) she got upset at school one day which was embarrassing for her but at least then the teachers became aware and her form tutor has been more helpful than I expected.
Good luck with it, I think this age is a classic time for primary school friendships to change and things get mixed up.

this happened to my 12 year old 2 years ago with lifelong friends, new girl joined group few years before and wanted a vest friend, they teased my dd relentlessly and she put diwn hiw she felt in a diary, it wasn't even bad but they were in her bedroom and took pictures of it and shared them and then the mammies git involved, her friends are older than her so I think they felt she was now too young for them after 10 years of friendship, she apologised for upsetting them but it made no difference, 2 years on she's still struggling and I'm so worried for her, every rejection hits her hard and she thinks she's a bad person and noone wants to be her friend, she's gone frim always having loads of friends to having none cos she's not even sure hiw to act around other girls anymore, I'm broken hearted for
her 💔