Year 5 - how to deal with toxic friendships

[Shockedmama]

My daughter in year 5 and part of a toxic tiresome at school since year 2.
My daughter often came home in tears as these girls will regularly leave her out, now she is used to it but when the lows come she becomes flat. She made new friends but now this time round the other girls in the threesome have encompassed another 2 friends and they have built a foursome and told my daughter she cannot play with them. My daughter plays with the boys and 2 other girls but is being excluded and having to seal with things like

• 1 of the girls trying to entrap her to say mean things about the 2 other girls (she did not do this, she never does)
• the girls making a point of calling each other besties for life and no one else is included in her face If my daughter ignores they then come and fall over in front of her and do this
• being called names like your have a double chin’

-

This changes often for example last week my daughter was best friends with one of the girls had a day off and things had changed and she was excluded.
My daughter was really close to the leader over lockdown they were so close but she got very insecure and made accusations about my child seeing the other girl and then ultimately cut her out when my daughter would not join up against the other girl and be mean to her.

I’m at a loss with this my daughter has dealt with it so well she says now she wouldn’t return to this friendship but walking out of school yesterday I could feel the hostile frostiness towards her from these girls it was awful how long will this last? Will it go away? I’m friends with all the mums but last time I said something it just ended up coming back on my daughter in the play ground

Have you spoken to a teacher about this issue? Where I work it would be reported to the pastoral team who would sally forth to sort it out.

Definitely a teacher issue.

I did last year when it happened. They think it’s 2 way as the girl said my daughter said something and burst into tears in the head teachers office. My daughter isn’t capable of that level of manipulation so just took it!

The difficulty is as well is that some weeks they are friends. I know my child isn’t completely innocent some times it’s the other girl that’s left out. I guess I’m just asking do these things blow over as whenever Iv gone into the school it’s ne we worked out well for my child

I don't think it'll blow over without adult intervention tbh, OP. Problem is that girls of that age love a clique and a clique is only fun to be part of of there's an outsider you can ostracize. Sorry you had a bad experience last time, but I think you need to go to bat for your daughter again here. It's not four on one- even if your DD is giving back some of what she is being dealt, they're ganging up on her and it needs dealing with.

*it's now four on one, that ought to say

This is the thing. My daughter doesn’t know as I took her off tik tok but they have all blocked her on that. I’m worried this is now why has caused that but I was worried it’s so inappropriate.

Agree the school need to work with them all on this. She’s got nearly 2 years left of primary so they need to act. Don’t involve other parents it’s pointless and disrupts friendships with them. We had this with dd2 at this age her “friends” would suddenly ditch her for no reason leaving her baffled. She ended up reading her book in the library or hanging out with the boys. She’s thriving at secondary now. Had none of it with dd1 as frankly she had year group with a nicer group of girls.

I think I’ll go in the school on Monday. She has begged me not to
I’m friends with the ringleaders mum and she has been on board and nice she told
Me her daughter is saying my daughter isn’t so innocent and she doesn’t want to o be friends with her. The mum has said she would like to take them both out to try and help their friendship in bit she wig it’s a good or bad idea though

Mrs t that’s so good to hear I really feel my daughter is quite emotionally mature (maybe biased) and She manages this crap so well I hope and pray that this all stops in secondary. She says now that she doesn’t want to be friends with them again as it’s not healthy. I truly think that when your child isn’t a follower they are the ones who seem to get excluded

Mine was also emotionally mature and seemed older than the others and was not a follower. She dealt with it well but it is upsetting when people you think of as friends turn on you. Then when they are nice again you can’t relax as you never know when it will happen again! She is super popular at secondary with lots of new friends

I think that phrase "she isn't so innocent" could be helpful. Is there something you can do to help her fit in better?

My DD had issues in Y4, not identical but some similarities. I concluded that although I thought my DD was obviously perfect and lovely and innocent, she was probably pushing some buttons or perhaps even provoking situations by her behaviour. I bought some tween friendship guidance books from Amazon and together we read them. I gave an option to either find new friends, or to find ways of getting on with the ones she already had. I did mention it to school, I did speak to the group leader's mum, but most of all I spent hours and hours coaching my DD. It worked and now they are all besties again.

This year she is in Y5 and the boot is on the other foot - she made friends with a girl who can be fun, happy and lively but she also annoys everyone - she insists on getting her own way, and whinges or yells when she doesnt, and she is furious that my DD disavow a friendship with a third girl who is her "enemy". It is causing a lot of problems. We just want them all to be friends.

I am NOT saying your DD is to blame but please look at her behaviours too. If nothing else, she may simply need to move on and find someone else to make friends with.

Your DD is too young to handle TikTok, WhatsApp, etc. Keep her off.

Do talk to school. My dd has had a lot of support in a similar situation - things like being desk partner with a boy she gets on with to build that friendship, emotional literacy classes, greater supervision of that class in the playground. It hasn’t solved it entirely but she is much happier, and she’s no longer having to be forced into school each morning, which is a major improvement.

@Bingbongbinglybong I know this is an old thread but could I ask what books you bought and how you talked to your dd about friendships? My DD (8) has a friend she hero worships who often talks to her so rudely and I just don't know how to deal with this. Her mum is one of my closest friends, but I don't feel able to talk about it with her.