year 7 DS struggling to stick up for himself

[190190tnt]

it's so hard. DS fairly quiet, not very confident. But seemed to love the start of new school, came home quite happy. But now, in week 4 he's told us a girl in his class keeps picking on him 'urgh who wants to be near him' or ' you're weird' is another example of the daily meaness directed at him, this has affected his confidence and he's now withdrawing and isolating himself from the rest of class. We've tried to get him to stick up for himself, tell her to get lost etc but he just can't do it - I wish i could help him. I've contacted the school and they will speak to this girl but in my heart I know that it will happen again as kids seem to home in on other kids like ds. He does go to karate classes but it doesn't seem to have helped.Has anyone found a way to increase their kids confidence?

Bump!

Has he got any friends in his class that he can hang out with and so he can ignore?

You have done the right thing to raise it with his tutor or head of year.

Unfortunately he has got to feel confident in what he says otherwise it wont come across well.

I know this is hard but year 7 everyone is either trying to be liked or desperate for popularity and they think by doing this it will help!!

A suggestion is increasing his hobbies outside school so he makes friends who are not part of his school. He will then realise school is not everything! Having friends outside school will definitely help and then he wont care and slowly his confidence will come back.

If he has any other interests try and encourage those.

The school will help but like yiu said it might not solve it.

Thanks for your reply Bluebell - sorry only just seen it! Am hoping that when kids go back in March (?) He will be ok....

I can understand were your coming from, I have a very shy son. He’s 10 now snd in primary 6 in Scotland. Iv tried to push him throughout the years but it’s just the way he is. I’m trying to build his confidence especially as he goes to the high school next August. I’m dreading him going. He has a few close friends but there is only 6 boys in his class, the rest are girls.

sorry to hear that kids can be cruel and i agree they sort of can sense the less confident and more sensitive types and can home in on them

Personally I have never found out of school activities to be massively helpful to create friendships as you only typically spend an hour a wk with the activity and often large groups of children who are already friends attend together

Anyway what about martial arts type thing? teachers usually v nice or scouts? Also does the school have a mentoring or house system where hw could benefit from speaking building friendships outside of his immediate class. Ditto do the school have extra curricular stuff at say lunch time or after school.

If he could make one friend I think it would make a difference, but he doesn't seem to be able to approach anyone, it seems if you're not loud or using 'banter' you're seen as weird! I asked if he wanted to change schools, but he said no and really i don't think this is the answer as it would probably happen again and then he has to go through the anxiety of being the new boy. Last week he came home with a bruise on his leg where two boys had pushed him in the corridor, i asked him if he wanted to me to contact the school, he does but is also worried about being called ' a pussy' but i'm going to do it as Im worried about his mental health. I will ask about the mentoring - anything that would help. I did sign him up for tennis lessons before lockdown, but unfortunately all the other kids in the class were from the same school (not his) so he is a bit on the outside. Not having much luck at the moment but will keep trying. Thanks for the suggestions

@190190tnt I know it is hard it is the alpha male ego of the pecking order...things will calm down by year 8...

When Covid rules have relaxed he may want to join a club...it will be a more of release and even if he doesn't make any solid friends he will realise there are other kids out there who are kind and not everyone is like them.

Go for walks as a family...they main thing he knows he is loved and he can talk to you about this...I found when we walked my son opened up a lot.

I know it is hard but you both will get through this and he will come out some friends.

I feel for you OP. If it weren't for Covid the school might have lunchtime or after school clubs he could join.

If I were you I would definitely speak to school. Either his mentor or head of year in the first instance. Definitely someone from the pastoral team. Ask if they can support him making friends. They may know of another boy or two who are in the same position.

In terms of bullying they should have an anti-bullying policy which should be on their website. You can ask how they are going to deal with this.

It is in their interests to have your son in school, happy, thriving and learning. A good school will do all they can to help that happen. If you don't have any luck with the mentor or HoY, try someone else eg a teacher he likes or someone in SLT.

How awful for him and I bet your worrying yourself sick.
Sometimes life sucks.
I always suggest building the resilience of a child as well as reporting to the school. It can be big chats or just little remarks that you can make.
A book that helped us was 'The Optimistic Child' by Martin E P Seligman PhD.
Nothing will be a complete fix but helps.
Also don't rule out changing schools in the future. It won't always be the same thing as the child may be able to reinvent themselves in a new place but not always in an old place.

Thanks to you all for your helpful comments and advice 🙂
**mayneedabiscuit
Thanks for that book recommendation I have downloaded that to read. I will be talking to him again over the Easter hols.

Buttonfm
Covid has definitely had an impact on this - i do wonder if he might have got to know the other kids a bit more, settle in more, grow more in confidence if it hadn't all been disrupted, i wonder how many other kids have been affected in this way?? I do think it will be a breakthrough for him if he could make friends with one child he feels comfortable with...

Bluebell46
Thanks - Yes I agree, Im going to look into more activities for him - any opportunity for him to come out of his shell. Thanks

@190190tnt just wondering how your DS is getting on now & if you had any success building his confidence? My DS started secondary school this year and having a similar experience, also had a positive start but now struggling to find friends to hang out with etc. Would love to hear how things are going for you & your DS if you are still around.

@Googletan DS seems happier now (hopefully)I think @Bluebell46 was right - things do settle down more by year 8. But this doesn't mean your DS won't in year 7. Does DS school have anything in place to help kids make friends? At the beginning of year 7 DS attended a 'meet new people' after school event, it was for kids who were a bit shy, anxious, finding it hard to make friends, they played games had fun and food and got chatting to each other, I hoped it would lead to friendships but unfortunately the other kids were in different forms so their paths didn't cross and DS didn't feel able to seek them out at break and lunch time. But it was a good idea! Sorry your DS is going through the same thing, DS year team told me yr 7 kids are often desperate to make friends,sometimes for the wrong reasons, and want to fit in at any cost. As time goes on, friendships change, things settle down and get easier. Has your DS mentioned anyone in his class he feels comfortable with? That he could sit with? Another thing that might help your DS - if they go on a school trip, at DS school they were put into small groups and he started talking to some of the other boys. It did show him he can be confident and socialise. Sometimes small things help, I asked for DS to be moved as he was dealing with 2 difficult kids, he was so much better after. He started to answer back to some of the mean kids, i think this helped, we told him to do it and not to worry about detention - the need to build his confidence was more important this time than school rules! it Regarding the bullying- I think things changed when I started emailing the school. To start with it was phone calls and issues were discussed but I never knew for sure if anything was getting sorted out. A friend who works in education told me the government have poured millions into schools for kids mental health and to make good use of it. On one bad day, due to bullying, DS was literally begging me not to go to school, it was just awful. I put it all in an email and things started to move pretty quickly so I'm glad I did that. He had 1 to 1 sessions with a school psychologist who gave him coping mechanisms for when he felt anxious. We also did 'anchoring' - I took something small from home eg a keyring, got DS to hold it while at home and relaxed. DS keeps it in his pocket and holds it in his hand (i guess it is like a comfort blanket) it got him through some anxious days. Now DS is in year 8 some of the classes have changed and he has some different people in them, he started chatting to one of them and they get on well, so this is great. Just one small thing can make all the difference. Your DS school might be able to help with encouraging friendships, maybe you could speak to someone in the year team ( and definitely back it up with an email!) Will be thinking of you and DS x

Thanks for responding @190190tnt, really kind of you. Glad to hear your DS is having a better time now. Good to have some tips re what worked for you & your DS. My DS has had a mixed week - one of the boys on his table for one lesson has been taking his stuff & emptying his pencil case on the floor. I only found out when he told me he’d spoken to his teacher & she’d moved him to another table. Really proud of him for speaking up. He’s also been assigned a mentor from year 10, although he’s very vague about what that’s for or how it’s going to work, but fingers crossed it helps. He did play online with someone from school this week too, so hoping he might have a friendly face it their paths cross at school. I think you’re right, a few small positives could make all the difference for him.

@Googletan this sounds really positive! Am so pleased your DS spoke to the teacher, it is really vital to nip it in the bud. My DS didn't say anything for ages so it continued, as some kids will just keep being mean (eg the situation with your DS pencil case), if they think they can get away with it) the mentor idea is good too, guessing it will help DS to think that someone is looking out for him and there to speak to. Finding common ground like playing online together is great for getting kids together as you know, so pleased for your DS! It is small steps and one thing I'm trying to help DS with is that if he does have a bad day, to not let it ruin everything and think it will always be like this, to keep trying (easier said than done) but his confidence has improved and every day that he comes home and it's been a 'good' day I feel so relieved to see him grow a little stronger.