Advice appreciated

[sheknowsyouknow]

Hello,

Writing this as I’m at my wits end and could really do with a bit of advice?

Long story but DC had a bit of a rough time at primary. Moved schools due to bullying. But happy year 6 at a different one. Met some friends and been fine for 3 years at high school too.

Summer just gone DC started to seem low again. Was bottling it up but all came out one morning at breakfast. Had been called a ginger c**t repeatedly and also had a video played over and over saying ginger people should die a horrible death. Also comments made about DC’s face and appearance.

Since the bullying before, I’ve always said if you have to stick up for yourself do. So DC said had back “so have you” when teased about their looks. We are very honest and open here at home and to be honest if DC had retaliated even more I wouldn't have blamed them. But they hadn’t.

While DC was being teased in front of everyone the so called good friends laughed which was pretty mean I think. When I was at school my friends were much more loyal.

Spoke to school. They dealt with it. Was happy with that. But in the meantime, another child had joined the group (known to be unkind) and had basically taken over and started pushing DC out.

Over the holidays an answerphone message was left on DC’s calling them names. Really upset DC as was feeling vulnerable anyway. Then a nasty text. DC blocked one individual.

So actually spoke with parents of some this time and thought it was sorted. Although one kid made up some stuff to protect themselves that DC had said which was ridiculous and DC didn’t even know what it meant. But we went along with it to just try and smooth things over and move on.

Back to school and all was even worse. DC completely ostracised. Really down. One particular act was very cruel. So spoke to school again and they told one off for it. Parent went ballistic at me and threatened me (funny isn’t it, when I’ve stayed calm the whole time this has been happening) and said they would tell their child to stay away from mine. Didn’t make sense really as I was thinking ‘how about you just tell your DC to be kind’ but there we are. Seemed more upset about their status than what they were doing to my DC.

So DC now really lonely and perplexed. Literally did nothing and not one of them have stuck by them. If it were my child being unkind I would be on the case trying to make things better.

Considering home schooling but at the same time so unhappy with these parents who have let their kids do this to a nice child who is never any problem at school. What would you do?

I’m aware that I might sound virtuous here but I’ve literally written the situation as it is.

Firstly I'd have replied to the parent "thank fuck for that. I don't want you're bullying little offspring anywhere near mine".

But I'd get back onto school.

Tell them what's happened very succinctly using bullet points. Thank them for their support so far and then ask them for the support your DC now needs to move on within school and form healthier friendships. I'd ask for Elsa support/ a mentor dc can check in with and also look at clubs they can join to meet like minded peers.

It's horrid when this happens and you feel so helpless. I'm often open mouthed by the number of parents who fly off the handle due to texts received but totally ignore everything their child has done and how the instigated it in the first place.

I also agree we did seem more loyal when we were kids.

When things like that happened you could guarantee you wouldn't even have to speak because your friends would retort with simple gems such as "well she can dye her ginger hair but you can't dye you fat butt to hide it".
Ok the retorts weren't exactly kind either but you knew people had your back and once they knew 1 insult got 5/6 wittier ones back they tended to stop.

Thanks itsgettingweird
Good idea to do the bullet points. I suppose I was worried that at High School they may just expect them to sort out their own friendships but it’s worth a go.

Yes exactly! There was always one friend to stick up for you.
I think it’s very telling that no one will in this situation. I think they’re all probably too scared to due to the new child in the group being an extremely strong character.

Bullies are cowards and so recruit those even more cowardly than them.

It doesn't work for bullies to have someone who may actually pull them up on their crap.

My ds and I do role play to practice tackling these issues in school. We've had some great fun as he's got into it and come out with some corkers - and then taken stock and asked if he could really say that in school?

My ds is one of these kids who's extremely quick witted and fanny but doesn't realise it and doesn't always have the confidence to relax and let his words flow.

I tell him if he's standing up for himself I will always have his back whatever he says as long as it's legal (so no racism etc). I have pointed out school may have a different view and may give a detention but he can be reassured I won't be punishing at home for defending himself.

Sounds like you’ve got a good thing going there.
Having quick wit definitely helps.
Speaking of racism, my DC has said several times that these kids were coming out with some really racist stuff and that one said they weren’t allowed to have a person of colour as a partner when older as the father had told them that.
My DC was horrified and told them so (I also heard my DC saying ‘stop being racist’ on facetime) and it makes me wonder if that’s when the cracks started to show in the friendships as DC didn’t go along with it.

As I type this I’m thinking DC has probably had a lucky escape, but it doesn’t make it any easier when they’re left alone.

I guess at least we have morals!

I've always told my ds that in school friendship is about popularity and heirachy. That it's not the basis of a solid friendship. That he's best to develop skills of being a good friend - morals and loyalty which will help him develop the lifelong friendships and relationships as an adult.
I said childhood is only a really small part of your whole life.
It's where you learn skills needed for adulthood through gaining an education and navigating relationships with peers.

He did realise a bad friendship wasn't better than non close friend but actually he developed good friendships through this attitude.
He'll always stand up for what's right (some of this is his asd as well) friends know he's loyal and will happily throw them under the bus if they're lying! But that's how he got honest and trustworthy friends who stand up for him.
Last year he said he'd never had anyone willing to stand up for him when he's right before.

All very sage advice. I’ve said similar to my DC over the years.
Just a shame DC is struggling to find similar like minded folk at the moment. It means so much to them at this age.