My daughter has unhealthy friendships

[Jozafina]

Hi, I’m new to this so I hope I’m on the right track. My 13 year old daughter had lots of friends and one best friend from 3 years old to about 10 or 11. This best friend is a coward and only concerned with being with the popular crowd. She has turned on my daughter and taken friends away from her but then keeps going back and being ‘best friends’ again. As soon as there’s a falling out with someone this best friend is immediately on the side of the people who are giving my daughter a problem. This has happened numerous times and there have been incidents of bullying with lies and rumours spread about my daughter and this girl is always involved. We’ve always said to our daughters that she needs to make sure that she always has a wide group of friends, just in case things go wrong and she has done this but all the rest of her friends are already paired up with a best friend so she’s always on the fringe of the group. My daughter does well at school, is a talented dancer and is very kind and funny. She’s not perfect, she does have her faults but she’s a good kid and a good friend. It always seems to be her that’s picked on whilst other girls who lie, bully, bitch and spread vicious rumours are popular and people believe them over my daughter. We’ve recently had another incident where one of my daughter’s friends had lost something out of his bag at a party, my daughter saw who took it from his bag and told him. This girl denied it and everyone believed her and started ringing my daughter and calling her names and saying she was a liar. Needless to say, the ‘best friend’ was with them and has abandoned my daughter yet again. I have read so much advice on toxic friendships and bullying and have done my best to support my daughter but she keeps going back to this friend as soon as she clicks her fingers. I’ve tried to give my daughter the best advice on how to act in these situations, calm but firm and assertive, but she just won’t stand up for herself at all and I’m worried that this is why she’s being targeted because people know that she’ll just take it. I’m at the end of my tether and I just don’t know what to do. Any advice welcome and thanks for letting me rant xxx

Wow she sounds like a piece of work. I'm going through the same thing with my dd but she is 10. This sounds like bullying (presumably at school and then out of school) and I would involve the school at once. With my daughter i am pushing for some outside help that can come in and help her work on her own self esteem. The school needs to be clamping down on this. Good luck and let us know how you get on.

It sounds like a classic situation. In actual fact though, it’s your dd that’s the strong one for not being unkind hersel. This will see her well in the future.
Imagine being so spineless that you can’t even stand up for a best friend? I know who I’d rather be.
I can totally see why it’s stressing you out and I’ve been in exactly the same situation. Have you thought about clubs outside of school? It sounds like the cycle needs to be broken a bit so this weak friend has less impact.
Agree that you need to tell the school about it and if you can, give times, dates and examples. Good luck x

Hi my daughter is going through the same thing. She was best friends with a girl from nursery and then went to high school and best friend dropped her and made friends with the "cool" girls
Ex best friend blanks her around school but talks to her in lessons. We are really good friends with family as well. Been a major incident today which left my daughter in tears. Basically ignoring her and sniggering at her so have emailed school today. Just hope things get better.

Similar problems here. My Dd had a lovely friendship group until she made friend with this girl who has now basically taken my dd out of her original group of friends. Shenis very manipulative and loves causing drama. My Dd has changed since becoming friends with this girl and I don't like whom she is becoming. What ever x says she does and she loves the whole being the centre of x's world!! Like you I was (being thenoperstive word!!) Good friends with the mum of one of her original friends but no longer as she doesn't like the way my dd treats her dd but my dd is basically being told by her new friend to not talk to this old friend.

So you citcatgirl are having the same problem but it's your daughter that has had her head turned. It's hard for you because you can see the problems that are happening but can't stop it and its hard when the other mum falls out with you when you have done nothing wrong. It's such a difficult time. Today my daughters original friend came over and apologised and said she still wants to be friends. But it is too little to late and my daughter has moved on. She said they will talk to each other but their friendship will never be the same as the trust has gone.
In time your daughter will see sense and realise the new friend is not that great.
Hope things work out for you

This sounds like classic relational aggression/relational bullying. Look it up, it is an actual thing.