My 14 yr dd is being bullied and doesn't want me to report it

[Happy2020]

I just don't know what to do. My dd is being targeted by bullies. It's an all girls private school and one girl in particular seems to be hellbent on making sure my dd is completely isolated. She gets shoved in corridors and has her path blocked, her bag has been picked up and contents tipped out, they also make a point of sniggering whenever they walk past her. Basically everything to torment her.

My dd has always found it difficult to make friends, she lacks confidence and was probably a bit socially immature when she was younger.

I've always tried to encourage friendships and invite kids over. When they're here they seem to get and have a great time.

It got so bad last year that I did report it to the school and my daughter made me swear I wouldn't ever report it again. The situation hasn't got any better and it's heartbreaking to see the effect it has on her.

Any advice would be welcome. Thank you.

Is she otherwise happy at school? If it’s a private I would look at moving her tbh.

I'd move her, she Must be in bits

Honestly. Please do something about this. I know what your DD is going through, it makes me shudder now 30 years later - I was in an all girls private school and we had one bully.

Eventually I snapped and punched her clean straight in the face. She got expelled. It shouldn't have got to that point thou.

In the past I’ve told her moving school is an option, but she’s adamant she doesn’t want to. She’s also year 10, so halfway through gcse’s.

She’s bright and works hard. All her reports have always said she’s quiet in class, but she gets the grades. She likes the school, it’s just this small group bullying her.

I spoke to the Deputy Head last year informally about my worries. She said when she sees dd, she’s not isolated, but with other girls. She said often parents are given the impression by kids that they have no friends, but she’s sees differently at school. Her grades haven’t been affected, so I think there may be some truth in this.

It’s just so awful to see her breakdown when she talks of the bullying. We’ll be talking generally about school and she’s fine, but as soon as I ask if things have improved with this girl, dd changes completely and cannot even finish a sentence. She copes by burying it, she just won’t or can’t talk about it.

She’s lost confidence in forming friendships. She won’t invite people or initiate a meeting outside school. Horse riding has been her sanctuary, she spends the whole Saturday at the riding stables. A quiet self conscious bullied girl at school, she changes into who she really is at the stables.

Saturdays spent with the horses are like a healing balm against the distress of bullying. But on Sunday night you can see the anxiety kick in, I’ve watched her leg unconsciously start tapping, she chews her bottom lip and she becomes more abrasive.

I hate that these girls are getting away with bullying. The main culprit is a teachers daughter.

The main culprit is a teachers daughter.

Fuck.
You have to go back and report.
Headteacher - Board of governors
Log of incidents and perpetrators
Mention Safeguarding and Mental Health
Either that or remove her, it can't go on for another year
Does Regina's teacher teach your daughter?
She said often parents are given the impression by kids that they have no friends, but she’s sees differently at school.
cop out stock phrase meaning they don't have to raise issues or investigate
The alternative is you teach her how to punch, take out the ringleader and that you'll stand by her wrt consequences (fully aware this will shock and outrage many but sadly sometimes bullies need to be stood up to).

The alternative is you teach her how to punch, take out the ringleader and that you'll stand by her wrt consequences (fully aware this will shock and outrage many but sadly sometimes bullies need to be stood up to).

Massively THIS!!!!

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine No the dad doesn't teach my dd. He's a music teacher and I'm not even sure whether or not he works at her school. The bully plays the clarinet, I'd love to whack her over the head with it!

Don't tell them against your daughters wishes, but perhaps devise a plan with her. Eg. You could ask school not to do or say anything without ok'ing it with your dd.
School can approach things in a way that doesn't look like your daughter has told. They're so worried about being a "snitch"
I wonder if she is worried about how the girl's mother (the teacher) will be

Sorry wrongly assumed the parent was the mother - oops!

I agree that bullies need to be taught a lesson but if the OPs DD was then kicked out of school for assault, the bully would have won. And probably won't learn anything.

My husband was bullied at school and took the same stance, getting all angry and telling dd that she should stand up to them, physically if needed. Although he thinks he's the font of all knowledge, he's conveniently forgotten that he was never brave enough to stand up to his bullies.

It had the opposite effect from what he hoped, it made her feel even more powerless. Adrenaline, anxiety and emotion kicks in when she even talks about it, but I know she would crumble in front of the bullies trying to take a stand.

She made me swear I wouldn't tell my dh about the bullying when she opened up to me the other night.

I don't want her to feel she can't talk to me, so when she begs for me to do nothing I listen. I just want to support her.

ASauvignonADay I think you're right. I'll speak to her and tell her that I think that we should report it to the school. Her tactic of keeping quiet and not reporting it hasn't worked. Something needs to be done, even if it's discreetly reporting it so that they can keep an eye on the situation.

She has one more week at school, then a 2 week work placement (at her stables - which can't have come at a better time).

You must report it. The school needs to be aware at the very least. Bullies thrive on their victims being scared to report it. Don’t let them get away with it.

I was bullied horribly at school at that age. I used to spend break times in the library or the loos (!) to avoid the bullies. It was verbal bullying which became physical as well and absolutely decimated my confidence with life long consequences. I begged my parents not to tell the school and they didn't - in hindsight I wish they had done something. The fallout couldn't really have been any worse than the bullying itself...

It depends what you think the school will do. My parents went behind my back and reported bulling though I begged them not to.
I'd reported it previously and was basically told off for provoking it by answering too many questions in class and being prettier than the bullies. Yes really.
Anyway, my parents reported it, threatened police as I'd been physically attacked. I was put in a room with the bullies and my head of year and told to decide their punishment.
The bullying escalated and moved to outside school hours rather than being concentrated in school.

Have you seen the news today? Left me in tears. Please do something about it. You can still speak to the school and insist they keep an eye on her. There is plenty that can be done. But what the teacher said to you was a total cop out. Its end of year so go back beginning of term, don't assume everything will be ok. Fyi my son was bullied for years and is suffering long term effects from it. I hate to scare you but the truth is it changes the brain. I've seen it and am scared out of my wits what he might do.

Smith888 I will report it in September if it carries on. My daughter is in the second week of a work placement and it has done her the world of good.

She looks healthy, happy and more confident. I'm consciously spending more time with her and trying to encourage her to talk, not about the bullying but about everyday stuff. I want her to feel interesting and have the confidence to express herself.

The news about that poor boy was absolutely heartbreaking.