Bullying and moving school -

[SafetyMum]

A little advice and insight from anyone who has been through this would be really helpful, it's a long story but please bear with me.
DD is 14 and in year 9 and having a pretty terrible time, mainly down to boys, not that she is interested in relationships but has always been a tomboy and gets on better with them than most of the girls. Long story short, she had an argument with her female best friend, they have been close since year 7 and we know from previous experience she is very dominating and manipulative. They had and argument over voice notes back in January this year and that's where there problem starts. As these things usually go they resolved their differences and everything went back to normal.

DD is my third and youngest child and is quite outgoing and confident, very caring and loyal and has a fantastic sense of humour, however, she has a very short fuse and strong moral beliefs, she is not afraid to voice her opinion especially if there has been some wrong doing. This of course has got her into a little trouble in the past but she is aware of this and so now much more careful. Best friend is aware also what triggers my DD and knows exactly which buttons to press to get a reaction.
So fast forward to March and DD is accused by another girl in the year of trying to "talk" to a boy she has a crush on. DD has been friends with him for a very long time and got fed up of all the allegations and finally snapped when the girl just pushed her too far and in the middle of school DD stood up for herself and set the record straight. She did apologise to the girl once she had calmed down and also talked with her and explained there was nothing going on. End of the story...NO.
Next evening an edited version of the argument DD had over voice note with her best friend had back in January with only her shouting and using some not very nice language is posted on social media. No one can hear what is being said to DD only her reaction. Immediately she start to recieve notifications telling her to die, she's vile, etc and they are relentless. Not one person asked what had happened or why she was saying what she had said, they all just took sides without knowing the full story. The saddest part is the only person who could have edited and posted is her best friend, how manipulative to save the argument and then edit it! At some point in time all the girls involved had asked DD for her help in sorting their own problems out or she has supported them when they've not been in a good place.

This continued in to school where no one would talk to her, they throw food at her, constantly make comments and remarks and the bullying began. I went in to school, DD refused to go, to see if they could help which they did to a degree, spoke to the the main group of girls involved, no effect, gave DD the option to go into teachers office at break and lunch, all good but she is now being isolated and the girls continue to bully.

She now wants to move school and I can totally understand why but the issue is that because it was all over social media students from most of the other schools are aware of her and the recording posted and all have the same opinion of her so to change school would potentially be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. At least where she is she knows who the bullys are, where she can go if she needs to remover herself from a situation. I'm also worried this will have a massive impact on her studies for GCSE in year 10 and 11 whatever we decide to do.

Any help or advice will be appreciated, thank you for reading

I would contact the bullies mums, and tell them what their daughter has done/is doing to your dd. Ask for them to please talk to their daughters and address it and inform them that you have gone to the school and that they are aware. In regards to the best friend's mum. explain that while you know your daughter said some unpleasant things (swearing), she also said things in return and posting the conversation has caused your dd to be bullied at school. Personally, I would tell the mother that you expect her dd to post an apology/explanation on social media (however others may disagree with me on this). I would also be up at the school again and be asking why the girls haven't been given a punishment such as detention or suspension (have a look at your schools anti-bullying policy.) If this doesn't work, then I would look at moving schools. Where are you based OP? would it be possible for you to look outside your catchment schools/in the next town so there is less chance of the bullying repeating itself?

All the best to you and your DD, bullying is an awful, awful thing.

Thank you for your advice, I've been thinking along the same lines. School has contacted the bullies mother and made her aware of what's been happening, unfortunately mother was not very cooperative. I don't know her at all, they live out of the area and although in the past the girl has been to our house, her mother just sat in her car when she came to pick her up. Best friends mother has also been contacted through school and was upset about the whole situation and was going to speak with her DD. She was also concerned about our friendship being damaged, she is a lovely lady and knows her DD can be dominant but I don't think she would have ever imagined she would do something like this.
School have been very good, I have read their anti-bullying policy and they have followed their procedure correctly, however, I think more needs to be done to bring it up to date with the issues social media brings. They have watched footage from the school CCTV to confirm what DD has told them is happening and have had a number of the students in to the office to be spoken to. The problem is when things happen over solcial media it isn't really a school issue but it spills in to school life so becomes a problem in school. DD does feel something more needs to be done but is worried if letters get sent home to parents she will then be targetted again for 'snitching', it's crazy and very frustrating.
School have kept in constant communication with me, up dating me on what they are seeing in school and making plans for the next academic year, making sure DD isn't in classes with bullies as far as possible etc. They have been very open to my suggestions and I think this may be the first situaton they have faced like this.
We live in the West Midlands and I have already checked which schools could take DD if we decide to move her and there are only 2 that currently have availability in her year, neither of which I would really want to send her to if I'm honest.

Another thing I learnt since going through this is that a boy (not in my area or at DD school) who had been in a similar situation where social media had been the root of the problem moved school and the bully from the school he was leaving contacted a friend of his in the new school to say we don't want him back, carry on our work! The poor boy was bullied from day one in his new school, made me feel quite ill, I don't know the full story but how dreadful. I think unfortunately it's not just a problem in my DD school but a bit of a nasty culture that is developing and the main reason I'm hesitant to move DD, better the devil you know.
DD has done exactly what school have asked her to do, she has not opened any messages sent to her on social media, doesn't respond to any taunting or remarks or get involved with any of the nonsense that is going on, the approach of if you ignore them they'll get board and it will all go away, but although it has subsided a little I don't feel this is the right message to send to her, she has decided enough is enough and going to stand up for herself but in a calm and controled manner, she was going to go and speak with the pastoral care teacher and head of year today to let them know her intentions.
Thank you again for reading my post and your advice, sorry for my long reply but actually writing it all down has helped me focus my thoughts and for that I am very grateful to you.

Good on your dd- it's great she is going to try and stand up to them. Would you and/or your dd consider talking to someone at bullying uk? they have a helpline (number is 0808 800 2222) and would be able to advise on what they and you can do. they also have a page on bullying within schools, which covers a lot of the topics you were worried about (moving schools etc), a link of which is here. Also, if it gets worse, I would consider reporting it to the police. you have evidence (in the form of cctv, messages etc) and they do deal with bullying. all the best x

That's brilliant, thank you for all the information, I'll definitely have a look at the link and give them a call.
Take care x