DD, toxic friendship and friendship problems

[Whiskyagogo]

I hope this all makes sense and I don't ramble too much!

My DD is 9 and is in year 4. She has a 'best friend' who she's been friends with for about a year (she was in a different school before but we moved counties). The friendship started well but has recently taken a bit of a nosedive.

I'm not sure if 'toxic' is the right word, but they seem to be constantly bickering with eachother. They have fallen out quite a lot over the last few months. The BF tries to upset my DD by claiming she's better and more clever (I'm on a higher swimming level than you! You've only got 300 coins on the maths app, I've got 500! That kind of nonsense). She threatens to stop everyone playing with DD if she doesn't go along with what she wants to do. Yesterday she kept scratching my DDs arm and laughing. Then laughed at her at playtime and called her a scaredy cat for some reason or another. Last week she pushed DD so hard that she banged her head on a door. (It was tender when I was washing her hair that evening so must've been pretty hard) Not in a nasty way, my DD says, but she wanted her to move out of the way so she pushed her.

Now, I know a lot of this is normal behaviour and I dont want to treat my DD like a snowflake. But I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to help her deal with it. She was crying last night as she is really scared if she falls out with this girl, no-one will want to play with her and she'll be on her own.

What's the best way to approach this? I have thought about talking to the school but I'm worried I'm just going to make things worse.
I've told DD to make it very clear when BF does something bad (ie pushing and scratching). "Please dont do that, I dont like it". But really, I'd just like her to break away from this friendship and play with people that make her feel happy.

Sorry for the lack of paragraphs, I did use them when i wrote the post but they've disappeared!!!

I think she's going to have to bite the bullet and tell this 'friend' that her behaviour is unacceptable.

And that they can be friends again when she receives an apology.

It is very hard to negotiate this kind of thing.

And it'll be a testing few weeks or months but it's important that your dd tries to make as many other friends as possible. Detach a bit from her current friend.

Thanks, yes, I agree. I think I may try to get a few other girls round the house to help her build other friendships.

I do feel sorry for her. I feel like I've turned her world upside down since we moved. She was very happy in her old school and had known all her friends since nursery/reception. I knew all the parents, I dont know any in her class now. I have no contact with the BFs parents, never even seen them.

Please talk to her teacher - they are mostly very good at sorting stuff out like this. Suggest they approach the other girl saying that they have heard they are not being very kind etc. If this is done in such a way as the child thinks it is not your dc that has told but a different (unnamed) concerned child then she won't take it out on her. They can also alert the supervisors at play to keep an eye out, or choose another child to do a special job with your dc so she can build other friends. Sorry this has happened to you

I agree about having a word with the teacher. It's important that her form teacher and those on duty in the playground are aware that this girl is bullying your DD and can keep an eye on the pair of them and separate them if necessary. The playground staff can also perhaps help to facilitate your DD playing with others and widening her friendship circle. If she had more friends then this girl would have less influence. It's because your DD is a bit socially isolated as the new girl that this pernicious friendship has taken root.

Seems like this girl has latched onto your daughter and sees her as vulnerable and weak so she's using her to bolster her own confidence. I wonder if this girl had any close friendships prior to your DD starting this school.
After a year of being best friends it seems strange you've never seen the parents.

Id definitely encourage a wider circle of friends.

Thank you all. I think I will call the school or pop into the office and speak to pastoral care about the situation.

@bluemerchant yes the friend never goes to any parties or events that are out of normal school hours.

I definitely need to steer DD toward other friendships. I'm going to try to set up a few playdates, I think.