How to approach school and get results . Advice please.

[youarenotkiddingme]

I'll be brief.

Ds is 14yo. Has asd and some physical difficulties.

He moved schools at end of year 7 vi a managed move as old school were shit and he was physically harmed then had a knife pulled on him due to schools lack of action.

Ds has always been very passive. Wouldn't fight back but that is changing.

He is still getting hassle from a select few lads in his year group. Due to his asd ds understanding of situations is poor (well below his actual intelligence and presentation) and he can read some situations wrong.

I've no doubt these lads are giving him a hard time from what he says but I also know he'll take every action from them as negative due to his understanding.

Incident the other day where one of the lads put him in a headlock. He fought him off and after teacher intervened lad ran up behind ds and hit him on back of head 5 times.

School accept that but apparently (according to ds) investigation has highlighted ds started it by pushing this boy.

Now my issue is 2 fold.

A) I know for a fact that's untrue and now have it on record that the other lad started it by shoving ds and that he continuously bullies ds targeting him due to autism and openly says this and

B) I'm concerned now that ds strength (he's a swimmer but due to reduced muscle power in legs he's extremely strong upper body) means he can fight back hard and cause damage. And more so he's starting to become 'proud' (for want of a better word) that he can floor these lads if they start physically attacking him as he's enjoying all the praise from peers who've also suffered at their hands. I'm obviously in talks with ds about this.

Ds is a mess this weekend obsessing over the fact apparently he will find it his punishment Monday. (Incident was Thursday). He's already banned from Astro (which he's stressing about because they haven't given a timescale). Also increased anxiety because nothing but the absolute truth is acceptable in ds eyes (which obviously should be that way) but if teacher says something happened and it isn't absolutely the way it happened he starts anger and arguing putting himself in the wrong when in some cases the finer details don't change the situation iyswim?

I've emailed his keyworker to basically say I'm not happy he's been put in a headlock again and his anxiety is increased.

But how would you approach school? Wait for them to speak to ds again Monday or get in first? Ds will obsess over it until it's resolved truthfully and it will affect his everyday interactions in all aspects of school.

My DS has ASD & was terribly bullied during his first three years at secondary school. I ended up involving my local MP as school were absolutely useless at dealing with it. He is 15 now & has finally found his own place, he has a small group of friends, most of them are other kids that have had the same problems & they all stick together & support each other.

Yes ds has a great group of friends who can also be targets too. His friend said they tend to aim more for ds though.

I know his language skills will not help and can sometimes even be fuel to the fire.

I'm concerned though this will escalate if it's not dealt with as ds will just get more angry at any injustice.

I'm also concerned as he's year 10 and I don't want his education to suffer and him to staff being excluded for fighting. He's never started one and I don't think he ever would. But he's strong and can cause harm if he fights back - his new way of dealing with it

I think I would want to email school first thing Monday. My Ds is also 14 but is currently being assessed for ASD, I think it is very likely that he will get a diagnosis. When he actually gets to the top of the waiting list for a speech and language assessment of course!

We have found school to be pretty unsupportive in all matters. Ds has experienced some nasty behaviour and will not fight back at all. He has had his property stolen and thrown out the window. Had his clothes scribbled on and is called names. He has recently been assessed by an OT and is now allowed to use a laptop in class, but he won't. Says that he is already called stupid and doesn't want to look anymore different than he already does. School says they will deal with it if Ds tells them the names of those involved, he won't, he barely talks to anyone at school. He has no friends so does not have his own little group to help in any way.

Maybe your Ds is fighting back because he feels like he can now and he thinks it may be gaining him respect from some of the others. Like you say not ideal when his understanding of situations maybe wrong and he may also end up in extra trouble. It's a complicated situation that's for sure, I wish I had a better answer. I think I would definitely email before they speak to him, although if they are anything like my Ds's school they will routinely ignore our emails.

Good luck for next week.

Emails are always answered as ds has his own keyworker through his EHCP. She is also his 1:1 in English so they spend at least an hour a day together most days!

I've emailed keyworker as I put it in a email response about something else she'd emailed me about.

What I don't want is ds starting to be punished for things he didn't initiate because it will only encourage these boys. They don't give a shit if they get into trouble - but they love getting the 'good' kids into trouble and will boast about it.

Ds anxiety will rocket if he's punished because they have decided the truth is something that's different from the truth.

Sorry to hear your boy is also struggling. Ds also has his stuff taken all the time and says nothing.

Sounds like you are on the ball with this one. My Ds attends an all boys school so it is a very aggressive, overwhelming environment and you are right many of them don't care. Totally the wrong school, in hindsight we have made many mistakes and let him down and school choice was definitely one of them. But he is in year 10 and it feels too late to move now. I hope a diagnosis may bring with it a bit more support. My Ds literally has no one at all in school, no friends and no staff that he feels able to approach for support. He sits alone in his form room every lunchtime. I asked the school if there was a member of staff that he could learn to trust and approach and they said it is a waste of time giving him a point of contact as his communication is so poor.

Hope that this week goes ok and your son's anxiety doesn't get too bad. The teenage years are difficult and asd seems to add a whole extra level of stress.

It's a waste of time giving him a contact as his communication is so poor

My ds has learnt these skills by having a keyworker. 1 person who has taught him better communication through communicating. He trusts her completely.
He also thinks we email each other to arrange what we'll say as we both tell him the same things
We don't - I'm just very lucky he has such a fantastic support worker.

The sad thing about your post is that your DS shows typical signs of ASD - and yet teachers fail to understand the basics of what’s happened, how frustrating that can be for ASD kids (who never appear to be able to tell lies, like you say absolute truth)

I would go in and explain the equality act and how they should make adjustments for him being unable to communicate effectively and feeling frustrated

Don't just email his keyworker.

cc in the HoY, Head of house, any linked assistant/deputy head and tutor.

make sure everyone knows. and keep pushing quoting safe guarding at school.