Is the school right in what they are telling me?

[HsD2975]

I apologise in advance...this is long winded.

I have a 12 yr old in Y8. He suffered with issues mixing with other children in primary. He was bullied by a very popular boy in a class that has very few boys. Over the years he began at stand out more from the others and has struggled to make friends. In Y7 of high school, problems continued. He has made a few friends but has had constant issues with other children picking on him. Sometimes he has been equally to blame (he’s no angel), whilst other times he has been targeted for no reason what so ever. I feel he has become a target because he is clearly the weakest link. The school tried to encourage him to go to ‘Quiet Club’ an extra curriculum club held at lunch for children who struggle on the yard. He went for a few months before admitting he was finding excuses not to go to it, as he wanted to be on the yard with other children. I have tried to work with the school and be supportive (I admit I’ve lost it a few times), likewise they have (not always) tried to support us. They have admitted they think he is vulnerable so towards the end of Y7 I requested a meeting to air concerns. I told them he did not want to go to ‘Quiet Club’ and he felt that they were insisting he went. I told them it was not compulsory and whilst we were grateful of it being available he no longer wished to attend, and maybe in time he would go back on occasion.

Around March I receive a phone call from the school to say some children had been name calling him, they told him to go away as he has no friends. As he tried to walk away they followed him and kicked him. All involved received sanctions.

There have been various other incidents which I have record off (different students, not those above).

Y8 begins....brilliant I think. A new year, a fresh start. First few weeks all is fine. Monday this week he arrives home to tell me he saw a student on his own who looked lonely, so went over to say hi. Before he even speaks the boy says ‘what do you want big man’ and pushes him into a thorn bush. He comes home with visbable scratches on his back, hand and splinters. I reported to school the next day, and I was very happy that they identified the culprit, parents contacted, sanction given and the matter was dealt with. I remained calm and felt in support with the school. The teacher did ask why he went over to a boy he doesn’t know, and when he explained he was told he should raise concerns about others to a teacher and stick to his own group not talk to people he does not know.

Today I get a phone call. There has been an incident at break. Some boys including my son have been pulling bags, general boisterous behaviour. Somebody has pushed my son, and my son in turn has slapped another boy who he knows. He is given a detention for this, which I completely agree with. I also have a very stern word with him over his actions and I have also contacted the boys parents to apologise and check he is okay. My son admits he lost his temper and over re-acted. They were all pulling bags and it got heated quickly. I then find out that the other boys involved are the boys from Marches incident (details above)....the teacher never told me this on the phone call. My son has dyslexia (something is is very sensitive about) and these boys mock him. Tell him he is weird, a loner, tell him to stop trying to fit in, say he is a retard. I asked him does he tell anybody about this, he says sometimes he does and is told they are only words learn to ignore them. And other times he doesn’t tell anybody as he is known as a snitch.

I support the detention given 100%. I complained that my son was physically hurt so what’s good for one, is good for him. I have no issue with him receiving a punishment for this behaviour.

My issue is that once again the teacher has said he should stay away from children he does not know. That he had already been told this (re thorn bush incident) and if he does not follow this instruction he will no longer be allowed out on the yard.

I do not want to be argumentative but how does a child with few friends to start with, try to make new friends, when he is told he is not allowed to approach people he does not know in case they verbally/physically attack him in return.

I am going to ask the teacher to clarify this to me tomorrow. I think he is going to insist he goes to ‘Quiet Club’.

I would be interested on thoughts about this as to me this is unfair.

If he causes trouble and gets a detention I support this decision. But I feel the other suggestion is saying he has to stay in to keep him safe.

I would especially appreciate advise from teachers (and all you other mums!)

Thanks in advance. Sorry for ranting!

You definitely need to talk this through face to face. It all sounds very victim blaming to me.

I see where they are coming from and it looks like they are trying and have dealt with most incidents well. I work with a similar age and deal with this sort of thing regularly. I can imagine your son being like a few boys in my year group!

Does your son have any friends at all? None or just he move between groups?

Can you ask about a buddy system? There will be kind, responsible children in his year or older years who could look after him.

The other side to dealing with this is the proactive side - alongside reacting to incidents, what is proactively being done to prevent bullying and rough play? Eg. Assembly inputs, outside agencies coming in do run sessions etc. Is there an easy way for kids to report incidents?

And can they offer him any support/intervention for his social/emotional needs? This might be small group work, or is there a speech and language need there?

Did you have any luck speaking to the school?

Honestly, the teacher who said he had to stick to his own group is an idiot.

Are there options for transferring to a different high school where this history of bullying doesn't exist?

Thank you all for your reply’s.
I spoke to the teacher and he back tracked, said there was a breakdown in communication when I asked for clarification about my sons entitlement on being on the yard.
In the summer I did raise a query that they constantly reiterate the attendance policy to parents, and they should be doing this with the behaviour policy and they agreed to look into this.
If I was to give details of some of the incidents that have involved my son being poorly treated by other pupils you would be gobsmacked. I understand it is very difficult for the school to control as it isn’t a case of one particular child being a bully.

Unbelievably the school have achieved an ‘Outstandinc’ school status with Ofsted. As I mentioned my son does have learning difficulties so from an academic point of you, he is in a good school. However I really do think that the school have severe behavioural issues and is out of its depth on controlling these issues.
My child has come on leaps and bounds at this school and I believe he has the right to a fair education and to move him to another school would damage his education.
However I have explained last week, that I can not go through another year like I did last year. I have no idea what I should do if the poor behaviour from other pupils continues towards my son.
This whole situation is frustrating, stressful and to be honest heartbreaking

I'm sorry OP. It sounds awful for him.

It does sound awful for your son but realistically the school are a bit limited in what they can do. You can't force friends on him. It sounds like he needs guidance to find his people and school were trying with the quiet club.

Every single school ever has bullying. It just does. There is no way round the fact that kids are cruel.

Maybe they should reinforce the ‘zero tolerance’ they harp on about so enthusiastically to prospective pupils and parents, into an actual written policy.

A little more supervision in general wouldn't go amiss either

@SnuggyBuggy after my meeting end of his Y7 they agreed my son was vulnerable and that they would have a member of staff on the part of the yard that he tends to hang out. Slightly different circumstances but just 2 days after this was agreed the school contacted me to say a Y10 pupil had thrown a dinner plate at him, which missed and smashed on the wall. I was thrilled as you can imagine.

Last week he has been deliberately pushed into a thorn bush. He came home with scratches to his hands, back and splinters that I had to remove. Nobody in school even knew anything had happened.

So so upsetting.

@Dermymc. You are quite right. Friendships can not be forced. He has made a couple of friends at this school. They seem okay kids. However the issue isn’t forcing friendships. Kids are cruel. If other kids choose not to mix with my son that is fine. However it is not fine for other kids to bully/physically hurt my child and the school has a responsibility to keep my child safe whilst he is in their care.

I agree with you that more supervision is required. However school are right that he can't just keep going up to random people who he has had no previous interaction with. This will irritate people.

Sending him to quiet club does seem to be the way forward.

On the supervision front, our school cannot recruit staff to do duties for all the tea in China.

You have mentioned he has dyslexia, and also write about learning difficulties. Are you referring to dyslexia or is there a global development issue to? I am asking because he may need some specific help with learning how to interact with others that is not being provided at present and makes him vulnerable. If you can afford it I would contact a clinical
Psychologist. I would also wonder if he is indeed in the right school, the group of peers does not sound very wonderful.
This said I feel the school is not doing all they can but I feel you have more power to control what more you could do, I do hope this does not sound like I am blaming him. It’s such a hard situation and j hope he finds a way forward to enjoy his school years and have fun socialising.

It sounds like Lord of The Flies.

Are there lunchtime clubs beyond quiet club which he could go to? Any interests he has that a club could be developed. Quiet club sounds a bit wet but if he likes and is good at e.g. coding he might make friends with people more similar to him who go out on the playground other days.

Has he had an Ed psych assessment? If so, did it look at social interaction skills?

My son had similar issues in year 8 and I did all I could to try and get help from the school. Unfortunately nobody ever really helped him. There are a lot of hormones going round at this age and he does sound vulnerable.
It didn’t get better for my son and he now has mental health issues that have nearly destroyed him, this has also Impacted the whole family. After wasting a year with CAHMs he’s now going to a private therapist. Your son may benefit from counselling if you can afford it?

You haven’t mentioned how it’s affecting him. I still don’t know what I could have done differently except maybe show him more love.

What does "pulling bags" mean?

I think they need to increase staff presence around school so students don't get the idea that sort of jostling, pushing, shoving behaviour is something they can do and get away with. I also think people who repeatedly push and shove should be put in isolation and parents should be in for a meeting.

That said, it sounds like it might be beneficial for your son to meet other who might be in a sinilar position to him and an environment like a lunch club is typically something schools offer. They're generally clubs or spaces where more vulnerable students can go to meet others, staff can help witj social skills etc. Sometimes the library can also be a good place to meet others or a subject based club. I think PP are right, friendships can't be forced on him, so placing him in situations where he might meet a few more like minded people could help develop friendships and reduce the wandering alone in the yard all lunch (which surely has to be nicer for him long term).

My ds in year 8 is also having exactly the same problems. Everyday somebody different ( but all from the same gang) picks on him, calls him names, kicks him, punches him or asks him to meet outside school for a fight. I have rang school and been in, each day hoping it will be better for him but nothing changes.

He had a note in his planner to say he had kicked another boy. What he hadn't told the staff , for fear of being called a snitch, was that he only did it to get away from being punched. My dh tells him to punch back but I cannot condone that.

It's heartbreaking seeing him trudge into school everyday with his head hanging.

You mention the boys in the year; is it an all boys school? A school I was at had similar issues with a boy and paired him (or requested) that a group of mild mannered girls in the year take him under their wing. I have to mention that this was an independent school which the boy had been moved to due to similar issues like your son.

This had a few effects; these girls were generally more tolerant of his differences and willing to help. Also, by being best friends with the girls it automatically made him more popular with the boys and the girls were a nice, calm bunch of people he could relate to. They helped him socially and schooled him in social interactions indirectly. He went to the girl’s events, parties, weekend activities and was generally just part of the group. The boys eventually accepted him once they realised he was part of the group that the girls were in

I doubt moving would help but maybe contacting the teacher and seeing if there are some nice down to earth students he would recommend your son being buddied with would be a start? There must be some nice students in the year that will help your son

That's appalling advice from the school! He did a kind thing, trying to make friends with a boy who looked lonely.

@PhilomenaButterfly that’s exactly how I feel. He didn’t even speak to the other child before he was shoved in this bush. Loads of people have asked why was he going over & I instantly think it’s that not how you try to make friends these days. By trying to be nice and strike up a conversation.

He is not faultless, no child is, but in general he is a nice kid who just does not understand why other kids are like this with him because it is not something he would dream of doing to another person.

This is a mixed school, not all boys but he has no interest in sports, which most lads do. He is quiet and lacks confidence, and self esteem which I think has been contributed to by the way he has been treated.

This week things have settled down again for him, he seems to have had a good week.

If he is physically hurt again (depending on circumstances) I will defjnately consider keeping him off school and I will take him to our gp to obtain a sick note. I have kept a diary of events since Sept 2017 and I have no doubt that he would be given a sick note if I showed these notes to my doctor to show what he is going through.