Transfer schools or try and work with current school to resolve? Advice needed

[hannotsolo]

DS2 Y2 has been having some problems at school for the past year. He moved into school with an established group of friends that he'd had since age 3/4. Rception went well but we hit a problem in Y1 when he had an NQT. This teacher had a problem with DS and continually came out to complain to me at the end of each day about his behaviour - examples, breaking two pencil leads by pressing to hard, talking to much, fidgeting on the carpet, making classmates laugh. In the end I requested a meeting with the HT and her supervisor and that they brought a log of his behaviour to the meeting. HT and supervisor said his behaviour was normal for a 5 year old and the NQT had to apologise.

Unfortunately this all had the effect of singling him out and certain of his friends saw that they could blame him for any silliness and would be believed. This escalated last year to a friend telling him he had to do exactly as he was told otherwise he would get him into trouble and he wouldn't be invited to his birthday party! Luckily DS stood up to this, but since then his has been systematically excluded from the group of friends, told he can't play unless he punches someone, had his property damaged, and so on.

I have been into school 3 times and phoned once about issues in the last term alone.

DS is now saying to anyone who will listen that he doesn't want to go that school, that's he's going to go to a new one and has even told friends at school he is going to leave. We have discussed the possibility of looking at other schools who might have better pastoral care but I wanted to put my complaint in writing to school first to try and get the to deal with it properly.

would you consider the above bullying? I feel that the children are young and what is actually at fault is that the pastoral care in the school has not effectively dealt with the problem. Should I write to school to ask them how they going to move forward seeing as it is still ongoing or should I just hold a meeting and tell them we're going to look for another school? I wanted to look for a school privately but my son has taken matters into his own hands it seems.

I would definitely consider it as bullying. Social exclusion is very much a bullying tactic. Whether the school take the same view, I wouldn't be too sure.

By all means write a formal letter to the school outlining the issues above. I would be wary though.

Reality is that any dealings I have had personally from my children(s) school(s) have always been negative.

Schools don't like to admit fault in any way. The 'bullies' get defended more than the 'victim' and it's like being in a kangaroo court, even if you do get as far as the board of governors.

That being said, you might have a positive experience. You need to act so explore all your options and be sure to follow the schools complaints procedures to the 't'

The issue you have here is your child is marked as a 'ring leader' but effectively the other children have cottened on to this and therefor 'make' your child appear like the trouble maker.

They may be young but they know what they are doing!

The other issue you may have is your child not being able to link events -

So he may have hit another child, but X told him to do it, otherwise he would do Y .... but your child can't explain that!

I'll give you an example.

My son was accused of bullying - the other child acted out crying hysterically and was taken by a TA for tea and sympathy -

What really happend - DS went to say hello to a group of boys and the bullied child told them all to hit him (DS) which they did, bullied child panicked and told a load of lies.

Bullied child's mother text me part A and I text her the truth, which bullied child admitted was in fact the real deal

(For the record my son didn't get any tea or sympathy for being the victim)

I'd listen to what school say, and ask them to check the back ground to any issues, keep your own records of events (teacher says v DS says) and try and coach your son into speaking up for himself and explaining what happens in sequence

So sorry to hear your ds is experiencing this.
I agree with the AEK84 and GreenTulips.
In my experience schools will go out of their way to look squeaky clean even when they fully know they’re not.
So the main thing is maintain your child’s confidence and get him involved outside of school in some clubs etc.
Unless you have some unbiased governors at your school to speak to (we certainly didn’t) then it might be a frustrating experience with them too but fingers crossed for you if you need to go that far.

Hope this is sorted for you now. I felt like I was reading about my sons experience. I moved him in the end in year 5. I wish I'd done it sooner. Slowly the exclusion of some, caused physical harm by others and it was vicious circle that was impossible to get out of. The school was pretty hopeless at helping the issue. Lots of NQT's, the head was nearing retirement and just not present or leading the school at all, and the deputy heads were all trying to get his job, so there was so much going on in the background that no one really cared about my son who was still doing well academically. I wrote to the governors, but it was after he was attacked during playtime in a stairwell for far too long and they were so worried about my calling the police that they were a joke. I didn't think they cared at all about my child or his well-being. It has lasting effects and my DS still struggles quietly from those experiences. Move him if they won't help.

I would would move my DD in a heartbeat but that would be too distressing for her sonic he wants to I would do it and make sure they know why.