I was bullied at school

[Fables77]

Hello,

I’m posting today just to get a little advice hopefully! I have been toying with the idea lately of getting in contact with my old high school to describe the extent of the bullying I endured whilst I was there. The headteacher was a teacher when I was there which was over ten years ago. I’m still affected daily by what happened to me at that school and it has altered my character greatly I believe. I have had counselling twice however I still don’t feel ready to talk about what happened to me. I only recently told my husband everything and he was really supportive and I feel better that someone knows now and doesn’t think badly of me. I was a shy child but by the end of primary school I had started to come out of my shell and I had a few close friends, however high school made me very withdrawn and I’ve picked up many nervous habits that are still with me. For example I struggle to make eye contact and I do not enjoy socialising because I worry people will think I am strange. I have two children an amazing husband and I’m generally happy especially when it’s just us and I’m cut off from the world to an extent. However, I’m always taken back to that time especially with having such a lack of confidence still.

Thank you for reading

Hi Fables, I’m so sorry you got bullied. Do you think it would help to speak to the teacher? Is it a little closure you’re looking for? If there’s any chance it would make you feel better then I’d say go for it, but what would you plan on saying? I don’t want to sound harsh but there’s a chance the teacher may not remember exactly what happened which may seem impossible considering how much it’s affected you but is a real possibility, which may end up making it worse for you. What would you say to the teacher? What are you hoping to get from it?

Hello thank you for your response. This particular teacher will no doubt not remember me. The bullying was very very subtle mostly name calling and spreading rumours in most cases and not by a particular group either it was by many class members and many of the teachers let it happen without comment and often gave me quite a hard time about my effort which was none existent because I was so focused on not attracting attention to myself. My mum recently gave me my old reports and I think that’s what’s brought it back so much for me and a particular comment from a pe teacher said I often didn’t participate or show any interest when I was once good at the subject. I remember why that happened and why I stopped doing it I loved sports but I was constantly picked last and mocked for my appearance or any sort of action I did so I just stopped trying. I think I do need closure as I’m still so angry about it as it stopped me doing something I enjoyed. I think I’d write and explain what happened to me and to find out if there’s anything in place that would help to stop that sort of bullying now and find out if teachers are more aware of the different types. However, it may be fruitless and it probably is left in the past but I’m finding it so difficult

That’s an awful sort of bullying, the kind that destroys your confidence. Are there any teachers still working there that you think would remember that you could speak to?

There’s a few possible outcomes- if you write to the teacher, who replies that she’s sorry you went through it and explains the measures that are in place now to prevent it happening, would that give you closure? Because if I were in that situation, I’m not sure it would give me closure- it would be reassuring to know it’s unlikely to happen to anyone else, but personally for closure I’m unsure. What do you think?

If you want closure, is there any way you could speak to the bullies themselves? Or even one of them? Or is that something you wouldn’t be comfortable doing/isn’t possible?

For what it’s worth, it’s so hard to overcome bullying and you should be proud of yourself for how far you’ve come and what you’ve achieved.

I think it’s a type that can go unnoticed by teachers and parents sadly. I think it’s possible that the headteacher would remember the names of the main people who bullied me however I was so quiet at school I’m not sure there would be one who would remember me.
I think you’re probably right it won’t take away the anger I think it’s because I feel like they failed me I did so badly in my GCSE’s for my ability which also set me back.

I could potentially my sister ironically is friends with one of them! But I don’t think she’s changed all that much from school by the sounds of it. I’m looking into volunteering and I’ve signed up to a few anti bullying campaigns so that may be the best course of action for now. I think it’s at the forefront of my mind at the moment because it’s he first time I’ve ever spoken about it in the past I was embarrassed about what had happened to me but I now understand what an effect it has had and it’s making me resentful which I don’t want. Thank you for your kindness I hope one day to leave it well in the past!

I know it’s easier said than done, but there’s never any need to feel embarrassed about being bullied- the ones doing the bullying should be the ones who are embarrassed.

If I’m honest, my personal advice would to be to not even bother speaking to your sisters friend/ex bully about it. I’d say differently if there was a chance she was regretful at how she’d behaved and would apologise, but if she doesn’t seem like she’s changed she’d probably just make light of it which will be horrible for you.

The teachers certainly sound like they did fail you- if you really feel like it would help, maybe explain everything you’ve explained in a letter to her? It wouldn’t exactly provide closure but it might take a weight off your mind and help you feel like they can’t ignore you anymore. Sometimes it’s just important to be heard and know, even years later, that someone is aware of how their actions have affected someone else. I can understand that if you’ve never really told anyone involved in the bullying how it affected you, you can feel like you can’t close that chapter of your life.

Whatever happens, always remember that you’ve won and the bullies have lost- whatever they wanted to achieve, however much they wanted to break you, they didn’t succeed and you’ve come out of it a better person than they’ll ever be.

I think it could be fruitful to ask if you could go back, be able to tell your story and share your thoughts about what the teachers might have done differently, what they should be on the lookout for. Just revisiting the school and see it in a different grown-up perspective will help you form new and more positive memories of the place in question. Being picked last in sports is difficult, all the "we don't want you on our team" and all that, having to eat your lunch alone, not be invited to classmates' parties - it's hard and destroys self-confidence, especially with a young child (as you were as the time).

People won't find you strange, this is so common, many people have experienced it.

About your GCSE, is there any way to recoup what you've missed out on? There are always many ways to come from point A to B and they're not all in a straight line. Don't let the past and stop you if there is something you want to do, think instead of other ways to get there.

Thank you HumV I think that is what I will do and then get on with things again and I’m definitely going to be getting rid of those old reports! I think it is a case of being heard as I regret not doing anything to defend myself at the time. Thank you again for your fantastic advice and kindness it’s been really helpful and I feel much more positive about it

Hevonbu that’s a really good idea! Yes I know it probably happens a lot so I’d like to help other young people at some point because if I’d dealt with it at the time I think things would be easier for me now. Luckily I’ve gone on to college and university and I got a first class honours it’s just the confidence I’m lacking now which I’m trying to build up in my current job. Thank you for your advice it’s much appreciated

You sound really well balanced and like a lovely person despite everything you’ve been through fables. I’d definitely get rid of all the old reports, why have a reminder of someone you used to be when who you are now is so great?

Definitely write the letter or talk at the school or do whatever you think will help and then, if you can, close that chapter of your life and focus on all the amazing things you have now. A family, a first class honours (wow by the way!!!) and most importantly, happiness. You’re far better off than anyone who’s ever stooped to bullying you so be proud!!

Thank you upon reflection I’ve decided to get rid of everything from that time and leave it at that and raise my children to be more considerate of people and also to stand up for themselves. It really has helped talking it through so thank you again and I hope you have a lovely Christmas and New year

I’m proud of you fables! I personally think you’ve done the right thing :) have a lovely Christmas and enjoy every second with your family! Happy new year too!