Sorry this is long to try and get it all in. Am stuck so would appreciate advice. One of my dcs is 10 (only just). Over the last year there have been increasing problems with another girl in the friendship group at school. I will call the girl Lizzie.
Lizzie was bullied at her old school, and so changed schools and started in dd's class later than the others who have been together since reception, and overall are a harmonious bunch. Another couple of children have also joined the class late, and have fitted in well.
Lizzie befriended dd and her particular group, but there were issues from the start, as she seemed to very much want to have a friend to herself, and would latch onto someone and try to exclude the others. We had a chat with the form teacher who had noticed a few incidents. This chat was prompted by Lizzie stamping on dds foot, pushing her, and calling her names. As time has gone on Lizzie has been very clingy with dd in particular. Dd says that the other girls don't like Lizzie because she is "different" from them. She feels sorry for Lizzie, knowing that she was bullied, and doesn't want to leave her out, but Lizzie clings to her so much that she can't ever play with one or two of her closer friends without Lizzie, and the other girls not liking Lizzie means that they are less friendly with dd, as she comes with Lizzie in tow.
Lizzie is mean to dd on pretty much a daily basis, she can be aggressive, and she is unkind about the other children, who dd likes and then has to stick up for, which makes Lizzie cross and causes more friction. Lizzie apologises, dd accepts, but then the same thing happens the following day. On a couple of occasionss dd and Lizzie have done things out of school and it is ok-ish with just the two of them, but not ok in school.
I have now told dd that if Lizzie was continuing to be nasty to her then it was fine to tell her that she didn't want to play with her any more, because of the unkindness. Dd then cried and said that if she said that then Lizzie would be really upset, and she doesn't really have any other friends. Dd clearly feels responsible for Lizzie.
I am finding it difficult to advise dd, I think Lizzie does like Dd but is mixed up about friendships and aware that the other girls don't like her much which is making her behaviour worse. I can see that Lizzie isn't all that happy in the class, and I've talked to dd in the past about being kind and understanding towards Lizzie. But now my daughter is getting really anxious, about random things, but getting upset about Lizzie. There is a school trip soon and she is worrying about being away from me but this mainly seems to be because she is scared of sharing a room with Lizzie. She hates conflict, and has a nice little group of friends who are kind to each other. She's been getting lots of stress tummy aches. She hates all the quarrelling, and just wants to get along with her friends. She is finding the constant presence of Lizzie really stressful, but doesn't want to be mean or unkind to her. She is saying tha she wishes Lizzie had never come to her school, and getting upset about a good friend of hers who has left. She seems really overwhelmed and unhappy. Her teacher took the route of talking to them all about being kind, which is good, obviously, but has made no difference. Lizzie seems to stir up conflict, she called dds friend a "big fat liar" when she's hurt herself, it is small things like this all the time, that cause friction. She tells lies, denying things like stamping on dds foot etc.
I think Lizzie has had a hard time, and doesn't fit in with the group well, she doesn't seem to have much in common with them. I feel sad for her, I can see it isn't easy, but how to help now that my dd is finding it all too much?