DD's teacher informed me that has been bullying another girl

[bramblina]

DD is 9. There is only her and one other girl in her class. Classrooms are composite so there are another 3 girls from the year above. DD told me last night while doing her homework, I was doing dishes, she and another girl from the year above (C) ripped the homework of the other girl who is in DD's year (M). She just came out with it. She said they were near M's bag and saw it and C took it out and ripped it. About an inch but that's not the point. They then went to tell the teacher who praised them on their honesty but had a very good chat about it. DD then told me that the teacher told them that he had had M's mother in because of other issues that had been upsetting her. I spoke about this with DD. Told her owning up was very important but what she did was unacceptable. She said they wrote apology letters and that was that. I said it sounds like teacher has dealt with it and I'll leave it there.
Today while popping in to school, dd's teacher took me aside and told me about this, then told me that things had been going on since Christmas. Little things but nonetheless it's been going on.
As soon as the teacher found out yesterday he had to leave for a course so picked it up this morning. He asked the girls their opinion according to what M's mum said and they agreed it had been going on a while so he asked them to write a list of things they have done.

I asked to see the list today after we chatted, DD has written that she has kicked, barged in to, called names, left her out, damaged property (the homework), pushed M.

I am shocked, disappointed, upset, sad, confused and bewildered.

DD is not a nasty child. She had a similar incident 2 years ago when playing with a girl in the year older got in to trouble for leaving a girl out and being nasty. Last November he best friend moved away, which then just left her and M in her year. Previous to this they got along fine but they are very different children. If there were, say, 4 other girls in her class I doubt they would spend much time together. DD is also developing rather early and she has seemed very upset recently. I don't know how much of one thing is responsible for the other, and vice versa.

This needs some serious discipline and as it is the first time we have experienced this I don't know what to do. I think she needs me and more guidance, and to spend less time with C. But I don't know how to handle this and she will be home at 4. I want to be prepared so am asking the power of MN.

M's mum is a friend of mine and I have called her but can't get her.

Where do I go? What do I do?

Help us please

I think it's sadly quite common for dc to bully a child they have known for years and years when a new more exciting (and in this case older too) prospect appears.

I'd make it clear that it's not acceptable and make sure the teacher is keeping an eye on it all. Make sure your dd knows that you and the teacher are communicating. I wouldn't encourage her to be M's friend.

I would tell dd that if she couldn't control herself then she'd have to move school. Not fair on the girl being bullied. I'd also be concerned that there has been no communication from the school
For so long. Xmas was over 5 months ago!

I understand how she might have wanted to impress an older girl and in such a small school the personal relationships are super intense. I think that you need to tell her that you know she's a kind and friendly girl who knows right from wrong. It's fine not to be friends with everyone but it's never ok to be disrespectful.

Agree with Savoy that you shouldn't force a friendship with M. From her point of view: Would you want to spend time with your bully? From your dd's point of view: It's ok not to be friends with someone. Making them hang out could lead to resentment.

I would tell her she is to apologize to the girl and her mother for the pain and anguish she's caused - you need to show the other mother you take it seriously and that you've only just found out - I would swap numbers so she can inform you of further incidents.

I would stop pocket loneyband treats until she proves she can be a nice friend

She doesn't have to be friends - but she does have to be kind

What will she do when the older girl says move up?

Loneyband?? What is that even??

Your DD needs to know it's unacceptable to be a bully.

My daughter was bullied by a girl in her year, The primary school weren't very good at dealing with it and the mother of the bully was in denial that her daughter was capable of bullying as she claimed she was a nice girl. Fast forward to secondary school the bully has had numerous detentions, is 'on report'.

Ask the school for help with how to deal with the situation. Also don't force a friendship. When dD was being bullied her primary school teacher asked if I wanted her to get the girls together to make up bit the answer was no! Keeping them apart was best for my DD.

Thank you all.

It seems I have not got the story across properly- I am not trying to make dd best friends with M. There is also no chance of changing school as we live in the middle of nowhere! Hence small, composite classes. DD and M have been friends but what I mean is that since dd's bf moved away last year it is now very apparent that the other few girls who are left are not the girls dd would end up being friends with if she had a huge choice, IYSWIM. It would just be nice if they would get along which they have before, without the influence of C.

C tells tall tales, is adopted, has slight issues and a year older than dd. It's this influence that we would avoid if we could.

When dd came home I asked her all about today and what the teacher told them. I told her we had chatted and I have seen her list. I made it very clear it is OK to not like someone but it is completely unacceptable to do the things she has done. We talked about how she feels when it happened to her and how M must be feeling. I have told her this must not happen again and if she find herself in a similar situation she is to walk away and find a teacher she can trust. She was upset and has shown regret and remorse.

The headteacher called me later on, she will talk to the girls on Friday and I will also catch HT at some point Friday. She thanked me for our support- I think this is key, I need to make sure everyone is singing from the same song sheet.

Astro55, when C moves up there will be less interaction and this will be better for dd. It will mean she spends more time with girls all much younger than her which isn't always a good thing but she is easily led and this is the influence I need her to avoid until she is older and more mature to enable her to deal with it.

Dh and I haven't decided on a punishment yet- I just want her to understand and obviously not do it again. I am also worried about being too hard on her if all she needs is some guidance. It's one of those times which is really testing me as a parent.

Thanks for your support.