Laws of the jungle

[Scout63]

OK MN folk. Thoughts on this. I have been here before screaming with frustration because I was trying and failing to get my daughter help from CAMHS for anxiety and depression. After twelve long months we began to get somewhere, but only after she hit crisis point at school and crashed out of Year 10. Much of her pain has been caused by bullying at school - severe and persistent - but we were assured that it would be dealt with and that everything would be different on her return. Before she crashed she had a set of on/off friends. Since her return the same "friends" can barely look at her. A low hum of bullying continues and her former friends have decided to cut their losses and blank her rather than get involved. Today is her 16th birthday and she is devastated that none of them have even said Happy Birthday to her, even though she knows they know, and if they didn't Facebook reminds them at early dawn. And the only one who did remember messaged her privately to avoid the others seeing. What rubs salt in the wound is that she shares her birthday with another girl and everyone is all over her timeline celebrating her "sweet sixteen". I'm angry and upset on my daughter's behalf but what on earth to do? She's had a horrible few years and she really needs some friends she can depend on. Will she ever win these kids back? How can she build enough confidence to even try?

I would have a go think about encouraging her to try and win the friends back, as they're not friends and it sends out a message to her and them that, its OK to let people treat you that, when it's not what friendship is about at all.

I would highlight the benefits of self respect an learning to walk away from toxic people, and highlight the peer pressure that being part of a group involves, how removing herself from it, will in turn allow her to be true to herself and own needs rather than be a as here like the rest of them and make real friends.

The more she tries to get in with them, the more they'll reject her, which isn't fair but a good life lesson in the long run, for friendship and relationships

Thanks lollylou. It's good to get another perspective. It's hard to watch your kid being systematically pushed to the outside of the group and see the group close ranks effortlessly behind her. I've seen it for long enough to see that it's a real playbook case of the circle of bullying with a dozen alpha bullies leading the way, two dozen coat-holders, three dozen hangers on and laughers, and dozens more feeling grateful that it's not happening to them. By now her teachers know full well who's controlling the aggression - and it is aggression - but seem out of their depth in finding ways to respond to it. What DD needs more than anything is the confidence to find new friends - I kind of agree with you that this bunch is probably a lost cause - but she doens't really know how to overcome the toxic atmosphere of the playground and moving this close to GCSEs is a non-starter.

Of coarse nshe has no confidence her trusting friends has completely gone as has her judgement of people - those she thought were good for her obviously aren't!

She needs to be free if these people and soon - she hasn't long left so what's the school doing to help her during lessons and breaks - can she go to the library for or similar?

Can she look for other f fiends?

She needs to drop her social media!!

Can the girl who messages be more of a friend outside school?

She needs to drop her social media!!

This!< Social media is just perpetuating these problems. She needs to cold turkey and just not go near it for a while - full deletion of all her accounts. Let her re-adjust to normal living. If she doesn't logon, she won't know who's being "liked" or "thanked" or who's wishing who a happy birthday or who went to x's party etc.

I appreciate what you say about her GCSE's but in such a toxic environment, she may be better just withdrawing and you both exploring options to take them a year later in a different school, or look for suitable options in a local college of FE. Not ideal, and not fair, but she needs to be taken out of a toxic environment like that and start afresh in new surroundings.

Both my daughters have had episodes of bullying.
The one who coped better was the child who pretended she didn't care , found new friends .
She also was a member of a sporting club and that gave her relief and helped her self esteem.
The other child cried a lot and clung on to the bully's so didn't cope so well .
However she found better friends at scouts which helped her through and changed schools at sixth form.
I think bully's will always persist if you show weakness and unfortunately the more sensitive suffer more.
My children have both found out of school activities helpful plus I told them you make friends all through your life ,your school friends will be a dim and distant memory so try not to attach too much importance to them.
I think the main thing is setting up the coping strategies and time will change things. Activities that improve self esteem and social circles can really help.

@Scout63 my daughter is suffering similar, she wondered if your daughter would like to chat on snapchat? Pm me if so.