10yr old being bullied in yr6. Advice needed

[PavlovtheCat01]

My DD is 10. She's had on and off probs with a girl in her class for a number of years but not necessarily bullying as such - little things to make DD feel bad such as telling other joint friends DD doesn't like them, excluding her from games that joint friends are playing in.

The mum is someone I get on ok with. Not friends, but friendly I would say. Mum is however quick tempered and known to be actively angry both in support of her children and if the children are in trouble.

The last year has seen then levels of picking on DD increase, but still subtle. Stares, not letting her sit near her, being rude when talking, and DD has often felt upset going to school, feels panicky when she is around this girl, worried if she goes to the same parties or has to work with her in class. They used to be on the same table but now changed.

An awful incident end of term
Before Christmas took it to another level and became clear bullying. DD was, after several days of being teased by bully and others in her class about a boy who liked her, dragged by the arms across the floor at the school disco to 'kiss' this boy. DD tried resisting, kept sting no, dragged her feet and ended by falling in front of the boy who wasn't aware this was going to happen. The girl involved (and her friend) then shouted at DD trying to drag her up insisting she kiss the boy.
The situation was dealt with of sorts at school - headteacher spoke to all involved and discussed respect etc but nothing further done. And I was not really happy with the lack of concern about the incident.

Since then the bullying is more subtle again, but increased in regularity: being pushed into hard when she walks past DD, making a point of walking past her to do this, pushing in front in lunch queues, calling her a snitch, standing where DD needs to walk so DD has to either ask her to move or find another way to walk, taking her things and not giving them back then saying she's only playing when DD gets upset. Today, DD has come home crying. The girl said to her in a way that scared DD 'I hate you. You are horrible' when they were setting up some work,

II am not expecting them to be friends, just want this girl to back off.

Should I speak to school again? Or go straight to her mum? Mum will either defend her and be aggressive, blaming DD, or, she will be super angry with her DD. But school are not really addressing this seriously to date, less confident they will stop it after last incident and it's affecting DD quite badly now. Worried whatever I do will increase the bullying.

Advice please?! Sorry for the essay.

Never go to the parent. Go to the school.
Keep a record of every incident.

Firstly, you have my sympathy as it is so horrible to see your own children distressed and it sounds like it has been escalating over time.

I would make a note if dates, times etc in a factual way and
I would ask to speak privately with the class teacher.

We had a similar experience with my daughter, the girl in question kept on and on at my daughter until my daughter told her she no longer wanted to be her friend when the girls mum stopped my daughter outside the school gates and made her apologise to her daughter!

If it is making your daughter so unhappy it is worth raising it with the teacher but be warned the teacher will need to follow it up and be ready for the fall out. It sounds like the little girl feels protected by her Mum who gets angry at any suggestion of issues with her DC. I suspect she is already known as a problem and the Mum is a regular at the teachers door!

Good luck, it will pass but it is horrible when it is happening.

wolfiefan I have always avoided talking to the parent but frustrated with what the school are doing to help sort it out. I will continue to go through the school.

Just feel so upset on DDs behalf that her last year at primary, already stressful with SATs prep is being marred like this. It's affected friendships as this child is such a dominant character.

Luckily, she is, hopefully, going to a different secondary but I don't wants her to wish her time away.

Check out what the procedure is if you aren't satisfied with what the school does. Take it further if you have to.

Im so sorry for you and DD, Ive been through this a few times with both my children. I advise always going through the school. Teacher first, Head if it doesnt stop. The chances are you wont be the only one complaining about this child.

flickety it breaks my heart. DD is very gentle and not great at being assertive. She hates telling 'tales' although told by the teacher when we've gone in how important it is to tell the teacher but she won't.

rhe child, and mother are known for issues, although the child is quite popular. It reminds me if my school where the bully was popular because children thought it was Bette to be friends than enemies. lots of children just back away when she's mean to DD, even 'friends' of DD, to the point that she now doesn't trust her friends (at the incident at the disco, several friends teased her, backed off when it started to get out of hand but watched her being dragged and did nothing), until one friend stepped in.

I really do hope it passes. I dread that moment when she walks out of class as I dint know what's happened that day.

My experience is that the schools try and smooth things over and do not want things to be taken further. Whilst I was not adverse to taking things further it is worth maintaining perspective on what is happening. Unfortunately secondary school is a whole other experience and it is helpful if you help your children learn how to deal with kids that are like this! I only say this as my child has moved on for primary and the stories at secondary make primary school look like a breeze. Incidentally they had a chat about bullying at secondary and were advised to tell the bully what they did not like, how it made them feel and that they would like it to stop. It has certainly helped my DD over the last few months.

Good luck.

Should I keep notes and go back to her teacher when it builds up to a few incidents or at each time something happens? I know I'm on DDs side completely and feel fiercely protective but worry that clouds my judgement of how serious an incident is. However I don't want to let DD down, she needs to know I will 100% stickup for her and take action.

It will pass it is so awful while it is happening. Try to remember that children tend to tell you the extremes of their day (good and bad) so sometimes we only hear the worst bits.

All three of mine have experienced this at different times and are OK for it now, but that does not detract from how miserable it made them (and our family) at the time .

Forgot to say, ask your daughter about what she wants to do and you may be surprised by her suggestions. Sometimes kids have better problem solving skills than us adults!

flickety trying to help toughen her up for secondary school! I am Hoping prob at school is because it's very small so it's not easy to avoid her. The secondary school is much bigger and I'm hoping easier to avoid problematic children for the most part.

Maybe I should enroll DD in a class that increases self confidence to stand up for her self. I encourage her to tell this girl to leave her alone, or to tell her she us upsetting her, or even tell her to go away. But she is worried she'll get in trouble herself or feels scared to say anything in case the girls becomes even meaner.

Thanks for the advice and kind words. I knew you lot would give me some perspective!

I did ask DD how she wants this to be resolved, what would make her happier, she said she doesn't know, she says next time she will tell her she hates her back. Maybe that's not so bad, maybe trying to be 'nice' about things is not always the best way!!

It's no bad idea to enrol her in something like sports that could build her self esteem anyway but it won't stop how this girl behaves. Your child telling a bully they are upsetting her could even make her more of a target.
Don't let it build up. Report. Every time. Would your child report to a teacher when it happens? Poor kid.

I think you should speak to someone (teacher, head?) each time an incident occurs. It's been going on for so long and it must be so upsetting for your daughter.

When I was in primary school y3 a y6 started bullying me by pulling my hair and calling names etc. My mum spoke to the mum as soon as it happened and I still remember the fear as we were walking towards her mum, who was built like a brick shit house and my mum is 4ft 11! Luckily the mother was very strict on bullying and I never had any issues after, but I'd be wary of going straight the parent in case it makes the bullying worse.

And as for a self defence group that would be a brilliant way for your daughter to gain confidence if she wants to join one. I never joined a self defence class but did other classes which helped me gain confidence and also meant I met girls that I would later be in high-school with, so it made that transition easier too.

this org will advise on how to look after dd while this gets sorted
not to imply dd is responsible for the prob
hope the school takes effective action now

She does swimming lessons (level 8 so almost done) which she enjoys and trampolining which she loves too. DH thinks maybe a martial art? Not for the physical aspect but for the confidence and control it helps with. Or maybe a team based activity?

You are right that it won't change the way this girl behaves but might help DD learn to feel more in control of her own feelings and how to act in response to her, or others like her as she grows older.

ponder x-posted! Took me too long!

Sorry had to cook some dinner! I would say that the advice the girls were told at secondary that when someone was mean to them to tell the bully what they did not like, how it make them feel & that they wanted it to stop!

I always told my kids to avoid & walk away & I think this was part of the problem as they never told kids how it made them feel and pointed out it was mean. Sometimes the bully needs to be told by the person they are trying to pick on. If the bully then goes to the teacher they then had a lot of explaining to do as your kids has not retaliated in a negative way!

It does take courage and relies on building self esteem. If you think your daughter is less confident this may be why she is being picked on as the girl knows she won't retaliate if she picks on her. It is a vicious circle!

Go back to school immediately, the schools these days have anti-bullying policies and procedures and should put them into effect. I'm all for going through scenarios yourself at home etc, but not if it this type of bullying which is repeated, and nasty, and sustained, and this is, you already have enough incidents to write down!

It does depend how good the school is, ours is pretty hot on bullying/nastiness and has done some good interventions when groups have formed/nastiness has ensued.

If someone has it in for you, then any amount of your own confidence won't really help with that, and that's why the school should be taking action, especially given the history.