What would be an effective way to manage this situation? (Y4)

[GudrunBrangwen]

I hope someone can advise.
My 8yo is being bullied by another 8yo child in his class. He started the school in January and has some nice friends, thankfully, but there have been a few issues recently with his speech causing unwanted attention (he may have an ASD - awaiting assessment) and the class has been spoken to, however there is one boy who hasn't properly let up since ds started and he seems immune to teachers talking to him.

So he will constantly tell ds to 'get out of my way' or push past him in queues, he will tell him to 'move your butthole' in a nasty way, this is all unprovoked. (ds is extremely quiet and shy)
Yesterday he stood on ds's finger on purpose then grinned at him.

Ds has started telling the teacher when something happens but she seems not to know what to do, or even think it is her job to do anything?

Last term his teacher was excellent and tried to resolve it and for a while it improved a bit, but this kid seems now to be aware that nothing happens when he attacks ds, and so has upped his game again.

When the new teacher speaks to them, the boy denies all knowledge of the incident, and she looks at him unbelievingly, but he's basically accusing ds of lying...I think she believes ds but I've spoken to her again this morning as ds is hitting himself on the head with anxiety and does not want to go to school - he has a stomach ache every day, it's not getting any better.

Is there anything you would do or like to see happen, that I could suggest to the teacher? At the moment all she says is that she will 'try and keep them apart' but that doesn't work at breaktime or lunchtime.

Am I expecting too much?

Thanks in anticipation.

I forgot to say he also pulled ds's chair out and knocked it over, which could have been serious but thankfully wasn't - he just left ds to pick it up.

See teacher again. Ask to see the school's anti-bullying policy. Ask for a written plan of what they plan to do and how they will keep this other boy from your son. Go to the HT if necessary.

Pathetic, isn't it. This other boy seems to be in charge and the teacher isn't doing anything.

Does your ds have friends? What does he do when this boy starts? Does he stand up for himself?

I would ask for your son to be given a book that he canon these incidents in - a bullying diary. That way he can record when , where and what has happened. It will start to show a pattern of behaviour that school can not ignore.

Should say a book he can record these incidents in.

Great idea about the book. In fact I may keep one myself. Thank you -

ds doesn't generally respond when it happens, he stays silent, and internalises his anger or upset. He has friends and sometimes they probably notice but they are only little and I don't think they want to get involved or know what to do.

I will look up the anti bullying policy.

Continuing because he is being allowed to get away with it. Keep on and on at teacher its her job to resolve in class issues, go to head of year, headteacher and every other teacher in between and tell them exactly what's happening.
On a personal note if it was me I would also have a chat with the boys parent, explain the issue and see what happens, also hate to sound like I'm victim blaming but maybe talk to your son about talking up abit more like if an incident takes place saying sternly 'how dare you do that' sometimes bullies will stop if called out, but most important is getting teachers involved

Thanks ever so much, I did email the HT yesterday pm and had a reply which said that there are sanctions being applied to the other boy, and that he will speak to someone about watching closely at break and lunchtime. Which I suppose is progress.

There was another incident yesterday before the end of school where the other boy made a horrible face at ds and said 'this is you', and ds went to the teacher who managed to catch him before he left the premises! But the funny thing was, just after doing it, the other boy said to ds 'PLEASE don't tell the teacher! Please please please!' which I thought was actually a very good sign - and then ds did tell her anyway, so maybe we have a glimmer of hope.

I think I'll give the school a bit longer to sort it out as clearly they can act, and it does have an impact on this child when they do.

Thank you very much for all the suggestions and support.

By the way it might work if I can persuade ds to stand up for himself like you suggest. I hadn't thought of that so will give it a try - there's no way I can talk to the parents, though, as one of the first things the other boy ever said to ds was 'My Mum says she hates your Mum!' - we had never actually met! So I am far too scared to approach her...also I think it's best if the school deals with it as it happens at school, and they're present.

If the head fails to resolve it, make a formal complaint to the governors. The school has a duty of care to your son

Also do roll play with your son

So not approach the parents! It only muddies the water and you lose some of the moral high ground.

Role play great idea. I think he would like that!

We had the same with my son. Unfortunately for us it was never resolved, just more people joined in. Things the school tried were calling in the other child's parents, setting up a buddy circle so that DS was supposed to not be left alone and meant there were witnesses and other children who would speak up for him. For us, none if that worked.

In my view there are 3 options, not all of these necessarily wise.

1. Your son needs to punch him right in the face, right on the nose as hard as he can, in front of other children and then run away as fast as he can. Tell the school that you've told him to do it and that you will not tolerate any action being taken against your son for it.

1. Either get the boy on your own and threaten him or get a larger child to do it or actually just to give him a thump on your son's behalf.

1. Just move him schools but make it clear to your son that you aren't running away.

Thanks for the input and I am really sorry that nothing worked with your lad's situation.

I think I would find options 1 and 2 totally unacceptable for us - though I'm not above giving a child a 'look', if I feel it might be effective - but option 3 is one we are looking at if things don't improve fairly quickly.