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Ethnic Isolation

49 replies

bestmumever123 · 12/07/2015 01:19

I'm mum to a very gorgeous 8 year old. We are not white british and we are brown skinned and Muslim but not as such practicing. Divorced I've come to live in a many white british area because it was close to my work.

We have lived here since my DS was in reception and now he is in year three. From day one of living here I have felt unwelcome. I have done a lot to make sure my son has some social life. The usual way is that I always invite children over at my house, I say hello to people when I see them, chat briefly whenever I can. But my son does not get invited back, if I don't say hello no one will say hello to me, infact people make it a point to pass by me and say hello to anyone standing alongside. Recently during parent teacher meeting the teacher told me that my son wasn't very confident in class as he does not really have much social contact with children outside of school.

I then started again to invite more new children over to my house and as usual when it came to inviting my son to their houses, there was always an excuse. This is a recent episode and it is bothering me a lot hence im awake at 1am in the morning writing this post. My son wanted to invite this boy, lets call him -Heath over to our house because he says he likes him and they are starting to be friends.
When I saw heaths mum after school with heath I asked them if they'd like to come over for tea, heath's reaction was 'yay!' but his mum went well I don't know heath is pretty busy so I said take my number and let me know when he is available or i'll text you when I am available and we'll arrange a play date.
she texted me her number, after two days I texted her my dates, she replied that she will reply within a week. A week went past no reply so when I saw her at school I asked her and she said ok first day of summer holiday and I said 10 am in the morning is ok and she said yes great.
Now after this she has had second thoughts and said she'd like to meet in the park rather than my house, I asked why and the answer was because she did not want to bring all her kids to my house as they will all play in the park, it felt like an excuse so I said why after play you can have tea at mine, he reply as expected was aggressive - she said they did not meet anyone out of school and there was no need for food. That was the only time she had on that day as her step daughter has a birthday.

Now it is clear that she does not want to come to my house but I can't leave it alone. Whatever she has said is a lie. Her son does have friends he goes to and so does she. I'm sick and tired but most of all, how do I continue this to happen to my son, how do I let his tiny spirit being crushed time and again my reckless people. I feel so upset. Please if you have been though anything like this, if you have a solution other than to ignore it, let me know. I' at the brink of confronting this woman and having a shouting match.

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Exactopposite · 12/07/2015 18:03

Please please don't tell your 8 year old people don't like him because of his ethnicity Sad

bestmumever123 · 12/07/2015 18:19

Yes its a Village Exactopposite and he is the only non-white there who is also a Muslim. I don't tell him that people don't like him, its more of explaining why some people behave the way they do and how to deal with them. I'm not saying all of them are but that's what I have experienced. People who are otherwise nice will pretend to not know me in public? that's just messed up.

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GlaceCherries · 12/07/2015 18:29

I'm sorry you and your son are not happy with his school friends. However, you come across as very defensive in your posts and ready to explain everything in terms of race.

I am not white and have lived in the UK in various towns with different racial mixes, and whilst I could explain reactions and comments in terms of "they're being racist", sometimes it's just because people are being prats.

I don't think it helps to raise our children to view themselves and other people along racial lines and divides.

Maybe this other mum just finds it difficult to make friends, maybe she has issues - at the end of the day, she doesn't have to become friends with you (nor you with her) and that may not have anything to do with race.

Given that your son is busy 3 out of 5 days a week, concentrate on those activities and make friends outside of school. Talk with his teacher and find out if there is something else you can do to support his school friendships.

Even more drastic, move to a more ethnically diverse area. You don't sound happy with where you live.

chaiselousy · 12/07/2015 18:55

Hi Bestmum,

I know what you are talking about and can completely understand that you feel sad, frustrated and perhaps even a bit angry. I am a white European who has lived in this country for a long time. I am highly educated, pleasant open and friendly most of the time if i say so myself. Anyways, I feel that many English mothers at the school gate do not treat me as an equal. My ds does get invited to playdates but i get the feeling that some mothers act in a 'superior' way towards me. It's a real shame. The people I get on best with are other 'foreigners' or people form ethnic minorities. It's ever so odd i must say but, perhaps because I speak with an accent, though fluently, maybe I am seen as lesser... it stings and I do not comprehend why people would behave like that. I think it basically stems from xenophobia tbh.

I must say I know that people in my own home country have the same attitude to 'foreigners' or people born abroad, it's such a narrow mindset and so very boring. I love being surround by people from different backgrounds because it is interesting and enriching in my view.

Wine or Thanks or both to everyone who doesn't feel all that welcome at school gate possibly due to their cultural, national or ethnic background or class.

chaiselousy · 12/07/2015 19:00

oh and just on a more practical level, I do understand why the women in your scenario would not want to bring all her dc to your house as in my experience my dc prefer running around outside.

I would let this one definitely go and meet up with her in the park.

bestmumever123 · 12/07/2015 19:04

Glacecherries I cannot say that they are all racists or even if they are. I want an explanation and this makes sense somewhat.

As I said earlier I'm only making sure DS knows what's right and what's not. Being polite, courteous and respectful is all we can offer anyone, no long term relationships or friendships.

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Exactopposite · 12/07/2015 19:05

bestmum I thought so. it's village mentality and I will pretty much guarantee its not your ethnicity it's the fact you aren't from that village.

Almost fifty years my aunt lived in her village, exactly the same experience as you are having. She was white British in a village of white British.

My friends lived in her village five years and has had the same experience.

My cousin was born in the village my aunt spent almost fifty years in, she was baptised there , went all the way through school , had her own children there who are now 8 and 3. She is still called the local name for outsider.

I had an awful experience in a village with the same sort of issues until I gave up and left!

If moving isn't an option try and find a scouts club out of the village in a larger town. it's very unlikely to be like that!

bestmumever123 · 12/07/2015 19:09

thank you Glacecherries.

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Exactopposite · 12/07/2015 19:14

in fact I recently had this experience while stopping in a small

Exactopposite · 12/07/2015 19:15

bah

in a small Welsh Village and was also ignored over other people till I spoke Welsh Wink

bakingaddict · 12/07/2015 19:51

It's obvious the OP is feeling sensitive about the lack of reciprocal play dates so whether it is actual racism or just people scared about they should and shouldn't be feeding her son when he's over at their house I think discounting her experiences is not being helpful. We don't know her area or what the people are like.

OP as much as it's frustrating I think you just have to let this woman go and carry on being available in the hope your son will eventually make a lasting friendship

mini321 · 12/07/2015 20:08

it can take so long to break into established groups especially if they are in small, isolated places. I'm sure there are other people in a similar position to you OP - I would be very sad if it was due to your ethnicity.

When we are I'm sure we have a few racists lurking but we have kids/parents we know from school from all over so I'm sure there will be some where you are - they are just harder to seek out.

houseHuntinginmanchester · 13/07/2015 01:12

Glitoris - That'll learn me to offer advice Wink

bestmumever123 · 13/07/2015 09:24

Hi Chaiselousy

Thank you for sharing your personal experience, I'm sorry that you've had to experience what you do, guess I'm not the only one. Your DS does get invited which is brilliant. We usually invite at least 10-15 kids to my DS's birthday party, usually we get around 9 that will come which is fine but do we get any invites to their birthday parties? we've had like one birthday invite in the last six months. And just two for the whole year, and its not that they are not having parties. My DS used to ask me why I wasn't invited and now he's just come to terms with it.

Thank you for all your advice, much appreciated.

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bestmumever123 · 13/07/2015 09:32

hi exactopposite

Oh dear if that is really the case than I'm probably never going to be in their good books no matter what! Good thing you knew Welsh ;)

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bestmumever123 · 13/07/2015 09:34

hi bakingaddict
Thank you for your insight and advice. Much appreciated.

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bestmumever123 · 13/07/2015 09:40

Hi mini321

Completely understand about groups and i've been scanning mums that look friendly and smile in response to mine and who might not ignore me completely and this mum was one of them. Inviting her to my house now seems like a big mistake. She's made me feel like I'm a convict or something.

But anyways I will keep looking for good people. Thank you for your advice.

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bestmumever123 · 13/07/2015 09:54

Everyone who commented and offered advice, thank you for your time and effort, its very much appreciated.

I'm just going to observe this mum to see how she is with me the next time she sees me, if she is rude or ignores me, well than the park play date is off. Me and my DS don't need any negativity in our lives and we are certainly worth the time and effort we put towards others. She isn't doing me a favour, it has to be mutual respect or nothing at all.

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snannak · 17/07/2015 13:34

This is not something new. We see this all the times. Sadly this is the British way of living (for most of those at the top end). Unfortunately this sort of behaviour does not help to build confidence to the non-white children born in this country, this is their home.

bestmumever123 · 19/07/2015 13:44

thank you snannak. Guess I'll have to teach them a few things about being British and treating people right.

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Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 22/07/2015 21:14

Hi, this might be slightly off topic, I have a friend from another country, and we were talking about customs and things she thought British people were 'rude/bad mannered' about. Could you be getting the signals wrong? So for example if in your culture you are more than full on welcoming, whereas the british maybe a little more reserved, a kind of start with the park a few times before moving on to a cuppa, and building it up? I am not suggesting what you are doing is wrong, just different? That said, you sound as miserable as sin, and should really think about moving for a fresh start ... sometimes you just cant win!!

waitforrose · 12/10/2015 13:37

I read your post and really feel for you. Everyone is happier when they feel like they belong.I am white British and moved from SW London to a village in the comparative sticks when I had children thinking village life would be idyllic.
WRONG! I live in a very white, largely UKIP-voting area with some of the worst small-mindedness imaginable. But it's all hidden. It's all covert.
We even decided to fork out, at huge expense, private school fees to avoid the gossipy, cliquey small minds that send their children to the village school who mix with their own; a strange local tribe who don't trust anyone whose come further than 10 miles away. One of the main reasons we made this sacrifice for private school was to bring my children up in a cosmopolitan way... My ds has an Asian best friend, my dd an African friend. There are NO ethnic minorities in the village school. I would also question whether most of them have even left the county!

Racism is so covert in this country and that makes it really hard for you to question... I am sure it can at times, make you feel paranoid. But believe me, it is easy to feel that way even as white and British.

My husband and I have felt like you though. We are too worldly for most of the people here...we have travelled the world, backpacking when we were young and working later... I don't have a racist bone in my body... Perhaps that's why I see it so clearly in others. But bottom line, you need to feel like you belong. Can your child join some out of school clubs, Cubs, karate etc? Maybe find out what the mix is like. Drama groups are good for self confidence. An Indian friend of mine drives 40 miles for her daughter to do a traditional Indian dance class just so she can meet girls who won't judge her.

I think your problem is very common. It's the actions that speak louder than words. But there are a myriad of possible reasons. Just never doubt the level of small mindedness of some English folk!

Plus you are dealing with school mothers... One of the nastiest breeds around! I don't fit in with a lot of locals but I just change direction. I teach my children the same values ... Stay away from nasties... Try someone else.

Good luck... We aren't all racist! ??

lisabarry82 · 12/10/2015 19:28

oh that's horrible. People can be so ignorant it makes me fuming.
I found a free guide for parents that may be useful
www.jackcherry.info/
xxx

bestmumever123 · 15/10/2015 10:36

Thank you sallyhasleftthebuilding. Its really not about me being full on welcoming and over the top. I myself would get turned off a bit with the ott behaviour. I'm very conscious of mine and others comfort levels and don't tend to push people either way. What you have mentioned is the basic 101 of getting to know someone which of course I have tried. Guess its difficult to understand if one hasn't seen it themselves. Thank you appreciate your response.

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