Advice bullying - gets worse when inform school.

[shelsco]

DS had problems with being bullied last year for most of the year and when we informed the school they were sympathetic. However, in the long run, involving them has made things worse. DS was reluctant to tell me about it all initially and then when he did was very keen to keep it all low key. I explained all this to the school and they promised they would be discrete but as soon as the boys involved were spoken to they realised that it had come from DS and made his life a misery. It calmed down for a while eventually but has started up again.
My instinct is to talk to the school but, having said that, I don't see how it can be addressed without talking to the people involved and DS says they will know it has come from him because he is the target constantly. He has severe allergies, asthma and dyslexia so quite a few things to deal with and that make him stand out. Things came to a head this morning when, after a bad night with his asthma, I suggested he shouldn't play in the after school football match tonight. He exploded, saying how asthma only lasts a few days but bullying lasts your whole life and therefore he should just risk another asthma attack as his life will be made miserable by the other boys if he doesn't play the match. He is very much against me contacting the school and I don't want to go behind his back and risk losing his trust and him not telling me when things happen again. He has kept this bottled up for quite a while as it is - I was under the impression that things were much better. What do I do? If I don't tell the school then it will just continue but, if I do, then they can't really address it without talking to the boys and then DS will no longer trust me plus that makes it worse anyway! Anyone been in a similar situation?

Yes very much so .... junior school were hopeless at discrete - however high school understood. Tell the school that u want a meeting and clearly express that a member of staff witnessed X please dont feel your sons issues make him a target - bullies are mean nasty creatures and will choose any random child for their pleasure!!! You must put it in writing to school in a follow up email again urging discretion. They have to deal with things in writing but not emails. Ask.for a copy of there complaints procedure ...it details what parents should expect from a complaint.

I didn't realise that there is no obligation to respond to an email but there is in writing. I emailed the head of year earlier to tell her that was an issue which was occurring in class but didn't mention names as my son begged me not to. I asked her to ask staff to be aware and address any 'banter.' which is what the boys call it. This is secondary school by the way. Did you get your issues resolved? And how? I don't know what the school can do without making it worse. they don't seem to involve the bullies parents unless it is physical violence which I understand to a point but name calling and constant teasing can really batter your self esteem if it goes on unrelenting for years! I can't really complain about the school if I haven't told them who the bullies are (although they should have a good idea as I did name them last year) but I am scared to tell them unless it makes things worse for ds.

The school can't do anything about it if they don't know about it.

I'm a secondary teacher and we get sent emails all the time saying 'so and so is having friendship issues with X, please keep an eye out' but after a couple of weeks that will have fallen off the radar and be replaced by something else. If you don't keep on at the school the assumption will be that all is well.

Our school advises that you tell every time. If it gets worse for telling, the that is reported too and stamped on. And if that doesn't work it gets escalated.

However, some schools are crap at dealing with bullying. Are there practical measures that could be taken, like moving your DS to a different tutor group and half of the year so that he doesn't see the bullies any more?

Sorry *Meeting/chat not email v writing -

Ah I see mom. Thanks giraffe. I see what you mean. It doesn't affect his tutor group, it is his subject classes. I did get in touch with the school on Friday and asked them to be aware and perhaps try and get teachers to stamp on it in class as it is happening. The school don't seem to be great at dealing with it. They initially appear keen but if what they do first time doesn't work it doesn't seem to get escalated. The answer last year for a friend's child was to move her down a class to get her away from them which I wouldn't be happy with. At least they know now and will hopefully be on the look out for it happening.