"Boys will be boys"

[hazelangell]

Am I blowing things out of proportion?

My son is 4 years old and in school full time. He started nursery at the school at 2 (part time). When he reached 3 (still part time), there was a boy in his class who I witnessed hitting another child in the face repeatedly, I turned around and the teacher saw that I had seen it and told the boy to stop doing it. I was a bit concerned but said nothing.

Later that year my son was in the park (obviously out of school) and this same boy kicked my son in the stomach hard, my son started screaming and crying - the boys mother just sat there saying nothing. I said loudly "Son, don't play with that boy any more, stay well away because he's unkind".

Several other times on the way home from school I saw the child pushing my son, again the mother said nothing.

Since starting full time my son is coming home at leat twice a week saying this child has kicked/punched him and is saying he doesn't want to go to school. Other mothers have approached me about this child and stated he's been hitting their children too. One mum told me yesterday that he spat in her daughters face at the park - again witnessed by the mother who did and said nothing.

This morning I approached the teacher for an informal chat and told her my concerns. She said it's 6 of one and half dozen of the other and that my son and this boy just don't get on, and that "boys will be boys". I left feeling very disappointed.

Now, all day, I have been dwelling on what she said "boys will be boys" - jut because my son is a boy it doesn't mean he has to put up with kids punching and kicking him! Just because he's a boy it doesn't mean he can't be sensitive and feel upset and hurt over people being mean.

So what do I do? tell my son to effectively "man up" (a term I despise) and smack this kid back when it's not in his nature? or do I let it play out and see how things go? There's no point in speaking with this childs mother and even if the school were to call her in I can't see things changing, she simply doesn't discipline him.

I'm thinking of keeping a log of all incidents my child tells me about over the next few weeks, going back to his teacher with it and telling her if she doesn't sort it I'll be teaching my son to fight back and fight back ten times harder.

Am I over-reacting? I thought schools were tougher on bullying these days - seems it's just like when I was at school "Bullying doesn't happen here!!

I don't think you are blowing things out of proportion actually, and I think schools usually are tough on bullying.

It sounds as though the teacher thinks your son is equally responsible, with her 'six of one, half a dozen of the other comment, yet from what you've said, this other boy is carrying out unprovoked attacks. Or have I misunderstood?

If it is unprovoked, I'd definitely mention it again, and use the word bullying too. Maybe you'd get a different response then?

The incidents I've witnessed, and the incident in the park where he spat in another girls face have all been unprovoked. Obviously at school I can't say for sure what has been going on, I did speak with my son when we got home and asked if he had been unkind to this child in anyway (due to the teachers comments) but he says he hasn't been. I'm inclined to believe him as other parents have said the same about this child so I know it's not just my son - which makes me think the teacher worded it this way to make me believe it was, I did mention other parents stating the same thing.

My mum thinks it's likely due to the fact the teacher is probably scared of the boys mum but I don't know.

I'm really worried as my brother was bullied from a very young age all the way through highschool and it destroyed him completely, even now he's not "over it". I know I need this sorting ASAP, especially as my son now doesn't want to go to school over it.

Send the school an email setting out your concerns.

You need to flag this every single time it happens. And tell the teacher you think it is unacceptable and what is she going to do.

Then escalate to the head if she doesn't. Then to the governor.

My ds was having trouble with other children. I emailed the school and got a call immediately. I talk to the teacher at pick up/drop off every time something happens. Because it really affects DS's experience of school. It has got better.

Also look for another school. And don't give your ds any decisions e.g.do you want me to talk to the teacher. Tell him that's what you're doing so he feels supported.

My DS is a little older but I think you need to listen to the teacher. Maybe discuss with your son that if this boy hurts him unprovoked then he needs to keep away or play with someone else.

It's not nice to see your child upset and hurt but I think at 4 and 5 years of age, it generally is 6 of 1 and usually playing that gets out of control. Tell your son to walk away, play elsewhere, generally avoid and that way then the other boy won't have a chance to hurt your son.

Doesn't sound like you are blowing things out of proportion. If you and other parents have witnessed it before and it is unprovoked then there is an issue.
Going on experience, teachers (not all but some) tend to be very careful about what they say as bullying situations, once parents become involved can get out of control, especially if there is denial from the other party.
I would use the word 'bullying' next time and say you are very concerned.
I tried tip toe-ing around my dd's teacher and 7 months later and several visits to the headmaster we left the school.
It helps if you have back up from other parents - but just be firm and put it all in writing too.
Hopefully it won't affect your ds too much and he will have a happy childhood at school.
Good luck x

Thank you everyone for your advice.
I think I'm going to record everything in writing for the next few weeks and if there are further incidents then I'll take it further and ask other parents to back me up if needed.
I actually feel really sorry for the little boy as he seems very angry. :(
My neice actually left the school before due to bullying and nothing being done about it sadly so doesn't fill me with much hope.

Well my son came home today and told me this boy had punched him in the face today :( I asked if anyone saw it and he said no because the boy made him go behind the fence so no one would see.
I asked if he told anyone and he said that he told his teacher and the boy got a time out. I asked if he did anything to upset the boy and he said that he told him he loved him (my son is really loving and tells everyone he loves them) and that the by just went mad and angry.
I'm absolutely furious that no one saw fit to tell me, especially as I have already expressed my concerns about an ongoing issue.
I'm so upset right now, he's only four and I feel like I'm sending him to school just to be hit everyday!

Sounds to me like this child may have special needs ... it's very rare a child would behave in this way unless they didn't understand what they were doing was very wrong. The child is also ostracising himself from the rest of his class be behaving aggressively, so it sounds as though he doesn't 'get' the whole social thing e.g. when your son told him he loved him. I would imagine, if he is as bad as your son says, the school/teacher are on the case. It is their duty of care to ensure your child is in a safe environment whilst at school. It is also their duty to make sure any child with SEN is identified and interventions/provisions put in place to help him. Remember children pick up very quickly when we parents are anxious and I'm not saying your son is not telling the whole truth, but may be leaving stuff out. I've been caught out a few times by believing everything my kids told me in the past, turned out to be rather embarrassing