Daughter on own at playtime (yr3- 7 years old)

[Pilsburypie]

I'll try to be concise:

My daughter is a happy 7 year old, intelligent, doing well at school, active etc etc. in my eyes a normal likeable child. Over the past few weeks she has been mentioning she has no one to play with in the playground. She knows lots of people who all tend to play in groups of 2-5 girls, but is told she can't play. Not enough spaces in their game, you can play tomorrow..... Blah blah. Basically no direct nastiness, just not including. This has continued and we're getting worried. Here is what we've done so far but I'm after advice from a fresh un-emotionally attached source

We have asked her how she approaches groups. She simply asks if she can join in but gets rebuffed. We ask if she persues and she says she does but the answer is still no.
We have always had many children over to play in an aim to keep her in with friends to help at play times
We have spoken to teachers and assistants at school who say she is a "social butterfly". This reassured us early on but now is my explanation of not having close friends she can count on. Basically always looking for people to play with who all say no.

We also found out on talking to the teacher that my daughter is often last out and first in, basically as she knows she is going to be on her own.

The teachers are usually good at the school and following a meeting today are going to see if they can get her included.

It's very worrying thinking of your child on their own, I feel rather helpless in the matter even though the school are aware of my concerns and now going to be more active.

Thoughts appreciated.

I was a little like your daughter when I was her age. Like you say - no direct bullying or nastiness just other children left me out and seemed oblivious to me being on my own. Also labelled 'social butterfly' - meaning I was friendly with everyone - not necessarily a bad thing.. I think kids at that age don't really realise what they are doing if that is any consolation.
Do you think it would be worth having a chat to a couple of the other mums and see if they can ask their daughters to include her next playtime? I'm not sure what else to suggest other than what you've already done.
Please try not to worry though - a lot of children experience this at some point, some lasting longer than others, and if it's not this then they fall out, etc etc. she will find her way - I hope the teachers can help her in the meantime. Good luck and hang in there supporting her!

You are right - you sound similar. My daughter is friendly with everyone, just has no close friends to rely on and thus finds herself left out of a group all of which by their nature have their social structure, headed by a strong character who has their ideas that the group is already complete.....

We have mentioned my daughters exclusion to another parent this evening. We have a couple of others to speak to. Just hope this won't be a short term fix and that things will develop in a positive manner.

I have read on here that schools often have a friend bench or buddy system. Will bring this up to school. I'm aware they have adult helpers at lunch time called "play leaders" - not sure what their role is although the name sounds rather self explanatory!

Could you encourage friendships by having one of her class mates round for tea and a play date? Some children find it easier to develop friendships when not competing in a big group.

minilegofigure - we have people round to play with a good degree of regularity for this very reason. My daughter gets on fine with the children on this one to one basis. We will continue to persevere down this route as well as the other routes. Hate to think of her on her own at playtime.

Sorry just read your post again and you said that you do play dates! It's a shame those children don't feel able to stick up for your daughter when she is asking to join in games. I think you should raise your concern again with the teacher. These sort of issues can be discussed with the whole class in PSHE / SEAL lessons.

Friendship benches are good and buddy systems as you say. The school sounds like it could do a bit more as I'm sure your daughter is not the only child to experience this. Are their lunchtime clubs she could join?

The school should definitely be doing more. People on playground duty should be looking out for kids on their own and making sure they're included in games.

My DS goes through periods of being on his own so his teacher and I pulled together a list of all the activities he can do at playtime if he's got no one to play with - clubs, going to the library etc. So at least he has options now.

Have you tried role playing with her? So giving her some wording to say if/when it's patently obvious that the game would be just as much fun with another player? Or suggesting that they take turns to come up with things?

Does she do any after school activities where she could meet other children from outside her immediate class?

Another thought. if you did feel she was having some problems fitting in, the book , the unwritten rules of friendship by Natalie Madorsky Elman is a very good. It has practical ideas for parents to support their children . However it sounds like it could be the dynamic of her class rather than your daughter who sounds lovely.

Is there an extra curricular activity that she could meet some class-mates at? A sport, ballet, brownies? I found that very helpful with my older DS. Team sports are particularly good...

Thanks all for the replies. I think some of our worry is that we have always strived to do the things you suggest. She goes to Brownies where there are several of her class and year group, she does swimming -there are 2 boys from her class there, she does gymnastics but there is no one from school there. She gets on fine with the kids when it is structured as she does in class. She is sociable and intelligent enough to engage, it's just when there is no structure such as play time. Groups seem impenetratable to her. We have attempted the role play, but from her answers, it would seem she has explored most of the options herself.... explaining how she feels, explaining it might be fun to expand the game, the conversational approach. I'd welcome other suggestions on how to approach the group.

We have had a couple of chats with school yesterday and today. I have to say the school in general is very good. They are always concerned and I have no doubt in their sincerity and how serious they take this. The teacher arranged for my daughter and a couple of nice girls to help her out at play and I believe she intends to speak with the class. Play supervisors will also be informed and my daughter will be made one of the playtime helpers that do things for the supervisors. Today is the end of school for a week which I think is a good thing to let this relax but I intend to be back on it with the school first day back.

We have arrange a play date over half term with a nice girl and intend to arrange another with someone else, we have spoken to a couple of parents about my daughter's issue, we explain to our daughter that none of this is her fault and it is just a phase that most will find they go through at some point. I just hope that is true.

I shall certainly look for the book and I shall read with great interest. School is such a massive part of a child's life and I believe that a happy environment will lead to a successful school career and a confident member of society. Suffering and feeling rejected must be so hard and really knock a person. Unfortunately (or fortunately) however you look at it, I have no first hand experience of this and had no problems at school, however I like to think with a bit of proactivity and advice that you all offer, my daughter stands a good chance of sorting this out.

Thanks

Hi there,

We have been through this with our dd except it was bullying.
However, I would recommend chatting with other parents (we didn't feel able to at our school as it was fragmented so changed schools in the end) because sometimes they're just unaware and a few invites back mean the world!

It is probably a phase, think it's a classic age for when children have the odd wobble about friendships as they start to mean more to them. It sounds as though you have some nice parents there to work through it with.

It would be a very good idea for the school to do a regular assembly about exclusion as this is a form of bullying. They should all be able to join in as and when they want to.

Totally empathise with you and wish you and your dd all the best.

Maybe take her to a sport or hobby where she can meet other children. Maybe swimming? Let her make friends with children who possibly aren't from her school and let her build on that. Then she will have a special friend all over her own that's not related to school.

Have you asked her to ask a friend to play before they rush out into the playground? Maybe suggest a game ... want to play x with me? Therre are some loud bossy kids that for whatever reason groups will follow and usually its the kids that can think for themselves that get pushed out - both my daughters hated make believe games lets play unicornswhich they didntget..... do they have a bucket of balls/ skipping ropes that maybe she could havefirst choice` and choose a friend to play ??? Swap each week? Hope it goes ok.

UPDATE: Thanks for all your great replies, things seem to have improved a good deal now. I shall elaborate on our multi-pronged approach which incorporated lots of your ideas.

spoke to teachers and palyground supervisors at school
spoke with parents we know who have children in my daughters year
had kids round to play over half term
arranged regular play visits with certain kids every week
spoke in detail with my daughter about joining groups and sorting playmates out before playtime
got her on a buddy scheme at school
get daily updates from my daughter about school and playtime
updated all her uniform and clothes (she was never tatty but we have revamped her!) - kids pick up on this stuff
get school reports on a weekly basis

I feel that all these things have helped, but if we only had done 1 or 2, it may not have worked. We also feel on looking back, things were not as bad as we first thought. It was an immense shock to hear that she was on her own at playtime, but we now feel this had only been going on a few weeks and was not a long term issue.

We don't doubt there will be other trials and tribulations over the next 11 years of school - hopefully we can spot them and nip them in the bud.

Thanks again to the community here.

Great news op. Delighted for you and your daughter. She is lucky to have such a pro active Mum.

My dd(6) is also a 'social butterfly' type. I've also had the no one will play, although it was less ingrained than your situation.

Just wondering though - have you talked to your dd about how she treats other people and how it makes them feel? My dd definitely has a tendency to play with her friends and then drop them when it suits her (for example if she wants time on her own or if she wants to do something else). Then she trots back up and is when they are otherwise engaged and don't welcome her straight back.

I've talked through situations a lot with her during this year and she is starting to understand more that friendship is a two way process and sometimes that means you have to put up with doing stuff with people that isn't your first choice. She moans now that she gets no time to herself at school.......

It might just be an idea to look at the other angle at the same time as the patterns being nipped in the bud at school.

Your original post could be about my dd...I literally just looked on this board ready to post the same thing. She just doesn't know how to join groups!

We seem to have another issue as well of a group of "mean girls" who are upsetting a few of the class (comments like "you're so stupid because you didn't get a distinction in your music exam/believe in fairies."..)

I'm trying to prepare her to deal with this, but I'm wondering if I should tell the parents of these girls what is going on. We have a coffee morning in a couple of weeks when I can tell them what's happening without naming names...at the point they say "I hope it's not my daughter" do I tell them it is?

OP - I know this thread is very very old. But if you are still around, I'd love to know how your DD is now? I'm having the same issue with my DD, around the same age.