Help! My child is the bully!

[Fink]

I'm at my wits end with DD, aged 5. She's in Reception.

I have been called in by the teacher several times over behavioural concerns.

I have spoken to her (DD) repeatedly. She has a merit chart at home for every day when there are no incidents at school, with presents for a full chart. She is not allowed pudding or tv or any other treats on any day when there has been an incident. I have tried all the reasoning - how would it feel if someone did that to you, I'm disappointed and embarrassed, you'll end up with no friends etc. etc.

I just don't know what else to do. The school are seriously concerned over her behaviour and I have no more ideas of how to deal with it. She is needlessly aggressive towards other children. She sometimes reacts to others pushing or hitting by doing the same back, even though we have said to her to just tell the teacher. More worringly, she picks on other children who have done nothing wrong. There is another girl in the class who seems lovely, and DD will poke her and call her names for no reason.

DD massively overreacts whenever I praise someone other than her, particularly other children. Her's always has to be the best. I'm not sure if that is connected with the other behaviour or not. She also hates me paying attention to anyone other than her; I was in the classroom with her recently reading a story and she kept pushing away the hand of the other child who came to sit and listen.

She is an only child and her Dad left when she was about 18 months old so there's no chance of siblings. She still sees ex-H semi-regularly (probably 3 weekends out of 4 for at least a day, sometimes overnight). We live with my parents.

Firstly...please don't use food as a reward or punishment...ever. It leads to serious issues.

Secondly....her overreaction to others being praised hints at some insecurity. How is she when she goes to her Dads? Does she like going? Has anything changed in her life recently?

How is she getting on in class? Some children act out in Reception because it's a worrying time for them.

I would suggest that you pull back the expectations for the reward chart, a full week is not achievable so she's probably given up trying.

Split the day in two and collect stickers as a group that can be carried over if needed. Start with a reward for a few stickers, move the number up as the behaviour improves.

Have you also tried some supervised play dates? Maybe she just doesn't know how to interact, they often need to be shown how to play at this stage as they are moving from playing alongside to playing with. It may help her feel more secure.

Did she go to nursery before school? Has this been picked up before?

Thanks for your suggestions.

I agree that the day is a bit long for one sticker, but the issue is that I only get a report on her when I collect her at the end of the school day, so I only find out once a day what her beahviour has been like - which does worry me a bit since it means that any steps I take/punishment is removed by several hours from the incident which caused it. I don't really see a way round this though, it's just the nature of a school day. I'm assuming the teacher also takes appropriate action more immediately. I will try lowering the number of stickers she needs to collect to get a reward, but she does seem to be genuinely interested in collecting stickers and has even chosen the present she wants to be bought.

I would love play dates, but we're not really allowed to have anyone round because of the living with my parents situation. It does sound like a good idea though, I will sit down with my parents and see if there's an arrangement we could make. The only parent who has been at all friendly towards me is one of the ones whose daughter she picks on, so we'd have to see how that went! I would like them to be friends, though, the daughter seems like a very nice child.

She's (my DD) generally very outgoing, energetic, lively, has always been happy to play by herself. She really likes playing with older children, like Year 5 & 6. She enjoys going to her Dad and nothing major has changed in her life since he left 3 years ago. She does seem quite insecure and clingy at times, despite coming across very confident at first sight, but I've done everything to make her feel unconditionally loved and we're always discussing how I love her even when she's naughty etc. so I don't know where the insecurity comes from.

She was at nursery (not the one attached to the school) and they mentioned it from time to time, more on the level that she was stubborn in refusing to apologise when she had been naughty than that her behaviour was any worse than average. I do get the impression that it has been worsening recently; I only remember once in the year at nursery being told that she had hit someone, which I get nearly every day now.

She shouldn't be playing (imo) with year 5/6 children for a start off.

Does she not have any friends (out of school) her age to mix with?

What's she like at home? Is this feedback from the school a surprise?

Pengy perhaps they have a buddy system in the school...my DDs school does and my year 6 DD often plays with the tinies...and when my DDs were younger, they loved their older playmates....it's part of their "jobs" at school to go in once a week and play.

Buddy system fine, but it came across in the post that her child actually played with Year 5/6 children - as in, going out to play in the street for eg.

My 2 yr old love being supported at gymnastics by her 8 yr old 'buddy' but she certainly wouldn't go out to play with her!

Oh no, I don't mean she plays with older children outside of school. Actually she sometimes does, but that's because she comes to work with me and I work with older children so they include her in their games, but I don't mean she chooses to socialise with them when there are younger children there.

I wouldn't say it's a complete surprise compared to her home behaviour, but it's not really an issue at home. She's certainly not prone to physical aggression at home, but she is stubborn and strong willed and quite assertive, which is why it doesn't strike me as completely out of character that she would do this at school. What surprises me a bit is that she does it to children unprovoked, which does seem unlike how she behaves out of school.

Fink, is she ultra competitive? Could she benefit from a sport that encourages that side of her personality? Me DC3 (hyper little bugger that knows best about everything) really benefits from karate where they have to do exactly as they are told and completely focus on what they are doing. Just a thought.