I need advice on what to do and what to expect after nasty bullying incident this morning

[SomethingFunny]

My son is 7 and in year 3. He is part of a mixed friendship group with boys and girls.

One of the boys in the group can be horrible. He is, sadly, what I would call a bully. He has a weird control over the rest of the group, where he is nasty to them, but controls them and pulls their strings like a puppeteer. None of them are brave enough to stand up to him and they can't as a group seem to realise they would be better off without him.

It is currently my son's 'turn' to be the focus of this boy's aggression. This has been going on and escalating since before half term.

He drags my son around and stops him playing with others. Before half term, he was throwing my son to the ground and hurting him and the rest of the group were standing around laughing. This was happening several times a day. I spoke to the teacher who said she would talk to the boy and to his mother. After half term, she did speak to the boy apparently, but has yet to speak to his mother (who incidentally works in the school, so is not hard to contact). There has been no let up in his behaviour.

This morning, before school started, I caught the boy holding my son by the collar and banging his head against a wall. Obviously I told him to stop and told him off. My son then immediately came over to me and took a ball of green leaves out of his mouth. The boy had been trying to force him to eat them. There were girls from the group watching.

I spoke to the teacher immediately and told her about the incident. She seemed quite shocked, but as I was in a fluster and so was she because she was just taking the children into school, I didn't really find out what would happen next.

Should I go back in after school and speak to her, explaining that this was unacceptable and a serious incident (firstly, proper bullying; secondly, my son could have been hurt; and thirdly, I have no idea what those leaves were). Should I ask her what she or the school is going to do next? And what happens if that doesn't work? What should the school next- speaking to the boy again seems pretty pathetic as it already hasn't worked and this incident was serious. Speaking to his mum seems to be a bit of a cop-out. Should the other children be spoken to as well?

What should I do? I am furious and very upset about this. I don't want to over or under react, but I want my son to be safe at school and he isn't at the moment.

Just another thought but do not discuss this on the phone with the head make it a formal meeting so a record is made of your complaint.good luck

Yes, headteacher involved (and I say this as someone who works in a school!)

Yes, I think you should meet with teacher and head teacher. The teacher has already had time to deal with this, and obviously has not done so (or it was ineffective) there was no teacher present this morning before school as there should have been and the mother is a member of staff.

The school has a duty of care to protect children at school by law. They are failing to so this.
I would suggest you arrange a meeting ASAP. Take someone with you to take notes, a friend, family member etc. take their bullying policy with you. Diarise all incidents.
If need be, contact your education welfare officer and ask their advice too.
This is serious. The child is bullying and being allowed to do so without consequences it seems.
Other children are too frightened of him, and he is gaining more power from this.
Your poor son is being physically, emotionally and mentally hurt by him.
This has to stop.
You also are within your rights to keep your son away from school until the school can reassure you they will keep him safe. Legally!!!
Pm me if you need any more information. Can provide details of charities etc that can provide further information.
Hugs op.

Also, check the review date of the bullying policy. This is an 'annual review' policy (or was, when I was a Chair of Gov's), therefore the GB have a duty to comply with this requirement. There should be a review date at the bottom.

You may find there are paper copies of the policies in reception, as an 'available to all' policy.

The GB generally do not get involved in the day to day running of the school, but are there to shape the ethos and guide the head by being a 'critical friend'.

See how the Head deals with the incident, then your next step would be taking your concerns to the GB.

Sorry, lots of 'speech marks' here , I am at work, quick responses given!!

Written concerns would be the way forward, to the Chair, sorry.

Thank you everyone. I have called up and checked that my son is ok. Apparently he is and not suffering any ill effects from this morning (physically anyway).

I have also arranged a meeting for after school today. I will be making a note of all the points in this thread and making sure they are covered in the meeting.

Thank you all for your help this morning. It has helped me clarify what to say and do next. Hopefully this will be the end of it.

I will let you all know...

Thank you again.

Good

Please do update us, I like to know the outcome of threads nosey

This goes far beyond the school just having a chat with the boy.

The level of his agression and his actions could have caused serious harm to another child and the school need to seriously address this.

It is absolutely appropriate to involve the head at this stage. You have spoken to the teacher once about it and, if anything, there has been an escalation in violence. An escalation on your behalf is needed. The school must be aware of concerns about this child's behaviour and they need to put measures in place.

There was a boy a little like this at ds's old school. He could be pretty violent and did injure several pupils including my son. He was constantly supervised in the playground and eventually banned from speaking to or approaching my son in any way. I also clearly explained to my son that he would be in no trouble at home if he defended himself against this boy and explained my stance to the school.

OP - I'm sorry you and your son are going through this.

STDG's post in particular has a very good summary of a way forward.

My main advice would be to make sure everything is in writing. This is very important. People can 'forget' or 'misinterpret' phone calls and conversations amazingly well (actually you yourself will forget dates and names and incidents even though you don't think now that you will) and you need a paper trail from the off. Quote their own anti-bullying policies back at them, being careful to use their own words, and also specific phrases like 'safe-keeping'. Detail your concerns, follow up meetings with a summary of what you understand was said and what the school are going to do. Copy other people/bodies in as and when. Always deal with the same person - the Head in a primary school sounds best if the bullying is on this scale - and make sure that other people are copied in at each stage.

I have found that putting things on paper - whether email or a letter or both - to a named person, copied in to a person/people higher up the hierarchy, usually works well.

The school will know that this is not acceptable. They will know that they have to deal with it. They may not want to. You just have to fight for your ds (and the other children, btw) so that it doesn't get brushed under the carpet.

Good luck OP, your poor son that sounds absolutely dreadful!

I have come back to update you: I arranged a meeting with his teacher after school yesterday and I went over what had happened, that it was not acceptable and that they were failing in their duty to keep him safe, what would happen next and what would happen after that if it continued.

I felt very let down by the teacher- she has "spoken to" the bully about he incident (which he denied, despite the fact I had witnessed it) and was going to wait until next week (parents evening) to speak to the mum. I told her that was not acceptable and she needed to speak to her now. What I felt mostly from the meeting was that there was a lot of "victim-blaming" going on- my son doesn't need to do what he is told to by others (it was more than telling- it was forcing!!), he should have walked away (he couldn't, he was being held!!) , he should play with other children (he wants to, but he isn't being allowed to by the bully!!). I made all these points to her, but I am not sure she understood the seriousness of the incident and I am furious that all she is planning to do is a a bit of "don't do that" to him.

I spoke to my son last night and he didn't seem to think it was that big a deal, and it has happened at least 3 times since half term :( This is sadder than anything, that it is becoming normal for him and he is not telling me.

All yesterday seems to have achieved is giving the bully a big heads up that he is being watched. This morning, I kept my son with me until the bell, but as they went into class I saw the bully look round at me and then when they were inside the classroom, he went behind me son pushing him (thinking I couldn't see, but I still could just). My baby is not safe :(

I have followed up this morning with an email to the teacher outlining everything that has happened, everything that was discussed yesterday, how I didn't feel it was being taken seriously enough and what I expect to happen next.

I feel really failed by the teacher. I am afriad that I didn't take your advice about involving the head teacher at this stage, but I wish I had now. If anything else happens, or if it is not dealt with properly now, I will be going straight to her.

Jesus, it's all about the fecking bully, isn't it?? You don't have to listen to a list of what your son should or should not be doing; while the teacher effectively defends the other child's right to do what he's doing
You have indeed been failed by the teacher; it's not however too late to speak to the headteacher and tell her just that.
Please don't wait for the next incident to raise the matter again, it hasn't been dealt with this time. Did she explain why she was waiting until parents evening to explain to the other mum that her boy is a bullying little swine???
Call this morning and demand an audience with the HT. Tell her if you don't leave her office with a plan of action to keep your child safe at school; you'll be coming in again accompanied by the police.
That probably sounds a bit OTT, but a friend of mine did exactly that. A pal of hers in the local police force and his (work) partner accompanied her into school one morning and requested that the bully's parents be sent for.
His father arrived; child was taken to HT'S office to be confronted with the HT, his father and two police officers; and given a good talking to.
Bullying child hasn't put a foot wrong since. (don't think his Dad appreciated being hauled out of a meeting to be interview by the police)

Hello, Something- I'm sorry you are going through this. Been there, etc.

Lots of what you say rings warning bells. It's not just your son and this boy - others have experienced this in the past and may still be doing so. Waiting a week to talk to a parent at parents' evening - NOT what parents' evening is for. You don't drop bombshells (if indeed it will come as a bombshell to his mother) in the five-ten minutes you have at parents' evening. The fact that the bully could approach your son so closely and so easily - who was the responsible adult there from the school? If it wasn't the teacher, had they been briefed? Who was watching this boy? etc etc

I know you probably wish that you had involved the head teacher at this stage. But I really don't think it is too late to do so. You have little confidence in this teacher, and from what you describe you are right not to have. If she is not keeping your son safe now, you can't really make it worse.

If I were you, I would just copy the email to the headteacher's personal address now, or if you can't get that, print it out and hand it in at the end of school. I know you don't want to rock the boat with the teacher, so just put in a simple covering sentence to say that you had a meeting with Hopeless Teacher on x, and you are sending a copy of your follow-up email to him/her. Straightforward and factual: the Head can draw his/her own conclusions.

It's really hard, going in to fight for your child in this situation. But as you know, you have to. It's better to go in very firmly straightaway and prove that you are not going to be easily put aside: it tends to make people react quicker and more effectively.

Good luck.

Or wot Flogging said

I think it is good that you will have had the day to make 'bullet points' and consult the people here - so you will be able to go to a meeting about this calmly and clearly.

sorry I should rtft

I would contact the HT and complain further - especially as this week is national anti-bullying week!

What the teacher has proposed so far is woeful and provides no safeguarding for your child at all.

But something else has happened, you witnessed that boy pushing your son this morning. I don't understand your hesitation in involving the head.
I'm sorry but I would have gone straight to the office to speak to the head when you saw the incident this morning.

Please don't wait for something else to happen. Speak to the head today. Don't worry about how this will look to the teacher - she is failing YOUR SON. The head needs to know this is happening and if you don't tell them will the teacher keep them in the loop?? She doesn't sound as if she is putting your sons need very high on her agenda. Please please please call and make an appointment

I would escalate this immediately to the Head teacher and the Governors, with a clear warning that, if this is not dealt with properly and promptly, you will be taking it to the education authority.

I would keep on using phrases like failure to ensure the safety of a child under their care, attempted victim blaming etc, and make it abundantly clear why you do not feel that the teacher's approach has worked so far, or is going to be adequate.

Oh - and I would like to say well done to you for being such a powerful advocate for your son. Believe me, it will mean a lot to him.

I was bullied relentlessly from the age of 10 until I went to sixth form college. I told my mother, in tears, when the bullying at secondary school started, and she told me to ignore it - because 'sticks and stones would hurt my bones, but calling names couldn't hurt me' - and when I tried to follow her advice, and the bullying didn't stop, I did not go back to my mother because I thought she would tell me it was my fault for not ignoring them properly, and I didn't go to the school because I was afraid of a backlash from the bullies, and didn't believe my mum would protect me if this happened.

As a result, I developed depression (I was suicidal by the time I was 14 - and didn't realise until a psychotherapist told me, when I was in my late 40s, that this is not normal for anyone) - and am struggling with depression to this day.

What you are doing, in backing your son up, and fighting his corner with the school, is immeasurably important, and I applaud you for it.

say "failed in their duty of care" and you will get a result pronto

Okay I would inform the HT in writing (email is okay, but I'd be tempted to put a copy in the post "just in case"). You could CC the Governor in charge of bullying/safeguarding.
Start to keep a diary of incidents - this is evidence for any further steps.
I would be tempted to contact the LA for "advice on what to do".

Do not speak to the mother.

Do not presume to know what happens behind closed doors - you really do not know what this boy is seeing to cause such behaviour.

His behaviour is criminal, he may not be of the age of criminal responsibility, but it could still be recorded by the police as a crime. That is how serious it is.

Personally my son would not be in school.

I'd be calling the LA/appropriate authorities and

a) asking them what would be my choices of how to proceed, how to go above the headteacher to make a formal complaint about the school. This is a whole school problem and does need to be addressed. A couple of inset days being given training on how bullying should actually be minimised and managed would help. The leadership team and class teacher must all attend the full course.

b) asking which other local schools have any spaces in DC's school year and wiuld accept son to attend from January. (Even if I wouldn't go ahead with a move, I'd want to be ready in these circumstances. )

I