Restorative Justice?

[SixImpossible]

Is Restorative Justice always appropriate? Does it not just give the bullies more ammunition?

I'm not talking about major bullying, but low-level teasing, pestering, disruption.

Would it not be more appropriate to teach the victim coping strategies and boost their self-confidence?

I hear that as victim blaming.

Why?

No. Victims don't need coping strategies, bullies need to be taught to not bully, and restorative justice can help with that. It forces the bully to confront the impact their behaviour has.

But there will always be low-level teasing, pestering and disruption, not necessarily at school, but in other places, and there won't necessarily be a teacher to appeal to or an Anti-Bullying Policy to apply via Restorative Justice. The victim will need to cope in those situations without support.

Besides, low-level teasing is only bullying if the person being teased is bothered by it. If they're not bothered, then it either turns into friendly two-way teasing, or, if the teasers intend to upset and get no response, they eventually give up and move on to someone who will give them the response they crave.

So a person who is upset by teasing needs to learn to handle it, otherwise they will be hurt by friendly banter and also be attractive to bullies.

I disagree that they give up if they get no response. Generally, they up the ante until they DO get a response. Friendly banter is a far cry from teasing. Friendly banter is a jokey dialogue between people who are happy with it. Teasing done maliciously is completely different. Not all children are robust enough to handle teasing, as not all adults are, and it's up to the people who are robust to help change things and stand up to bullies.

So how do you cope when there's nobody to deal with the bully?

How do you cope when you can't tell the difference between friendly banter and deliberate teasing?

I have one child who is totally not bothered by being teased. He has made choices in the past which resulted in him bring teased. He wasn't bothered, shrugged it off, and the teasing died away.

I have another child who cannot cope with any teasing whatsoever. He often does not recognise that he is being indirectly complimented, and thinks he is being teased. He cannot tell the difference between friendly banter and intentional teasing. He often also does not recognise the difference between accidental bodily contact and being bumped deliberately.

It is good that this child's concerns are being taken seriously. But allowing him to see every series of incidents as bullying is not helpful. Neither is allowing any relativrly trivial incidents to escalate.

Maybe the kids upsetting him will stop doing it as a result of Restorative Justice, but how will that help prevent future incidents, when half of the time he is reacting inapprpriately? And if he is easily triggered, why should committed bullies leave him alone, if all that happens to them is that they get to have a chat where his vulnerabilities are exposed?

Are you a teacher? Worrisome if you are.

No, I'm a mother worrying about her child!

Well that's good news. Why so angry? Your thoughts remind me of many teachers I have come across who think bullied kids should just get on with it. I agree there is an element of victim blaming. You say they'll be teased in all areas of life but they shouldn't be. Personally I won't teach my children to accept that just because it happens everywhere. Far better to teach them very strong boundaries that will not accept any kind of attack on their person.

I'm angry because i seem to be being taken for some sort of victim-blaming bullying-apologist. i cannot seem to get my point across.

Analogy:

Have you ever walked home late at night from the Tube station? Did you know to walk tall, rather than scurry nervously? Did you know to cross the road if you thought someone was following you? Did you know to take the longer, well-lit route, rather than the short cut down the alley and across the park?

Whether or not you knew these things, if you were assaulted, it would not be your fault. But if you know how to walk confidently and sensibly, you reduce your chances of being assaulted. And if you study and practice a martial art, you increase your chance of standing up to an attacker.

Some people know these things instinctively. Others need to be taught them. They're a toolkit for urban survival. All the Restorative Justice in the world is not going to replace that toolkit. There's always going to be another crook around.

I want my child to be taught their own toolkit for social survival.

"It forces the bully to confront the impact their behaviour has."

Indeed. So if the bully quite likes the impact their behaviour has, it's actually rewarding them with a second, more detailed, bite at the cherry.

While feeding them info to help them bully better in the future.

If a child doesn't realise that their behaviour is hurting someone, and wouldn't actually like to hurt them, then demonstrating the hurt will stop them.

If on the other hand, the child knows perfectly well they are hurting someone and is doing it in order to hurt, then feeding them more hurt actually encourages them.

Obviously in the second case there's an important issue about why the child is enjoying hurting people. But that's nothing to do with their victim.

Sorry, that doesn't really help with your Q about coping with teasing, OP. But I completely agree that using Restorative Justice on occasions when it's inappropriate is bad all round.

Restorative justice is just one tool. It won't always be appropriate in every case.