Can you please help clarify what the nature of this is? DH wants police involved.

[cressidacow]

Have name-changed.

Ds, 12, throughout Y7 has been bullied by one child in particular, I will call him Tony. I have lsited events below so hopefully it is easier to read:

Tony has repeatedly called ds names ie "dyslexic" and laughing at how he walks (ds has SEN and is being assessed for dyspraxia).

During a swimming lesson, Tony held ds' head under the water 4 times, each time for and estimated 7 or 8 seconds. Ds repeatedly told him to stop. When ds tried to get out of the pool, Tony grabbed him by the leg and pulled him back in.

Tony has asked ds to give him money.

Tony told ds he was going to come into his bedroom and strangle him on an upcoming school trip abroad.

All the above has been reported to school by email.

We nearly pulled ds out of the trip abroad but he was keen to go so we relented after expressing our concerns to the teacher organising the trip. She said (in her words) that they would "look after him like he was our own son".

During the trip Tony and 3 other boys (Year 9s) repeatedly came into the room ds was sharing with a friend. Firstly the boys were just throwing things around but then, late at night, they came in. One sat on ds's feet whilst another sat over ds' face and rubbed his balls in ds's face. Another boy got into bed with ds, put his arms round him and started humping against him (in ds' words) "he was trying to have sex with me". Tony was present during all this but ds cant be sure who did what because the lights were out.

Ds' roommate had locked himself in the bathroom during all of this. Both he and ds were told they would be beaten up if they reported it. According to ds' roommate, while he was hiding he could hear the boys talking about deleting pictures they had taken with their phones. Ds's roommate refuses to tell the school because he is petrified.

Ds told us after Tony had allegedly assualted another boy in the PE changing rooms last week.

If you have read this far, I thank you.

Please could someone advise how far we should take things. We have been in to see pastoral head on friday. We want to know what we can realistically expect the school to do.

I wouldn't suggest contacting the press. They're too uncontrollable in what they might write, and your DS could be destroyed by the consequences of a media shitstorm, even if it's just a local one. I certainly think the police should be contacted, though. If Tony's assaults qualify as criminal (I'm not a lawyer or police officer, so I can't say with 100% conviction that the incidents you describe are contrary to any existing law when committed by a minor, though I certainly think they SHOULD be) then hopefully he can be dealt with through criminal proceedings, but with any luck the school may be at risk of criminal proceedings for failing to investigate or report a criminal act. And in my view, so they should be.

A last thought from my ever-liberal and thoughtful DH. Tony's behaviour doesn't come from nowhere. While I think you need to get really angry about this, and take the school to the cleaners about it, you may not just be helping your own DS. Why is Tony doing what he's doing? It doesn't bear thinking about. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I am angry with the school. They should be wondering why Tony's behaving like this, not trying to conceal it.

Phew, what a day. I have found out a bit more by talking to the mum of ds' roommate. Her ds has told the following:

A teacher came into the room and sent all the boys back to their own room (so he should be able to identify them)

At least one of the boys who sat with his genitals in ds' face was wearing boxer shorts only.

The incdent was filmed on camera phones.

Dh calling police now.

MrsSteptoe, I agree. I hate the lttile shit but do wonder how he became like this.

PM d you OP.

So the teachers can hardly claim ignorance then? :(

Disgraceful that the teacher didn't raise any sort of child protection issue on Friday, absolutely disgusting

I think I would be asking your DH to tell the police there is camera phone evidence asap.
I would have thought the police and you obviously, will not want that evidence wiped off the phones.

I also thought the same as MrsSteptoe - where has this boy learned this behaviour?

Make sure the police are told about the changing room incident too (even though it was not your DS).

Dear God. Glad you're calling the police, I was cringing in my chair reading your OP. :(

If the school don't take this sort of thing seriously then they should be culpable as well, IMO. That's effectively sexual assault, especially the bit about shoving a finger up another boy's bum in the changing rooms (definite sexual assault).

I really hope that the police take appropriate action over this and that you can find a nicer place to send your DS.

Agree that what happened in the changing room and also what happened to your son is sexual assault. If a boy had pinned a girl to a bed and rubbed his genitals in her face or a boy had shoved his finger up a girls bum without consent people would be calling the police so quick his head would spin. I don't see that it's any different been two boys involved.

Your poor DS and his friend.

Agree with getting the police involved. I also agree with what Pumpster said about it being a child protection issue.

Your independent school may not be the responsibility of the LA directly, but there will be a team of LADOs - Local Authority Designated Officers for Safeguarding - who are responsible for safeguarding children in ALL organisations including private ones, youth groups, everything. Contact them now. There is also a specific child abuse investigation unit within the local police force - ask to speak to them.

I was sexually assaulted by older pupils at private school. I didn't get any support. I didn't have parents who gave a shit. I wasn't the only one by a long way.

You are an excellent, caring parent and your son's openness and bravery are a credit to you. I wish I had had a mum like you.

I have given the school two weeks to investigate, and on Monday I am going in like a bulldog. This incident happened in the last week before the summer holidays, and my DS2 is still upset by it, and has become an angry little boy, when he wasn't before.

He refers to it as 'that thing they did'.

He was telling jokes with a group of girl's when 3 boys from his year came up to him, pulled his trousers and pants down in front of the whole school field, pointed at his privates, then before he had a chance to fully pull his trousers up (he's disabled), they kicked him to the floor, and dragged him halfway across the large school field, through the long jump pit, which again dragged his trousers and pants down in front of the whole field.

The teacher dismissed it as boys messing around, and refused to accept that it was bullying because the school defines bullying as something that has to happen EVERY day.

This boy has been targeting my DS2 since YR, yet nothing has been logged as bullying because there are weeks or months between each incident. The fact that each incident has been serious, serious enough that with an older child or adult to be classed as assault, doesn't seem to matter to the school. Just the fact that it doesn't happen every day means that it doesn't meet their definition of bullying...

Have not read all the thread, but the answer to me is quite clear. What would you do if your child was a girl and this happened? There is no difference. They are sexually assaulting him as a way of bullying and intimidating him. Go to the police. I am not a one for over-reacting to things children do, but I would go to the police with this - no question.

Agree with the poster who suggested getting screen shots of his Twitter account, surely then at the very least there's a case for bringing the school into disrepute or something along those lines.

This is just awful.

OK, so if it wasn't 'bullying' according to their definition, then it is most certainly a sexual assault. Ask them if they would view it as such had your son been a girl.

TBH I doubt it will get treated as seriously as sexual assault by the police, but even if their parents find out and it goes as far as being investigated and they get a stern warning from the police and school about it then that should be enough to shame/shock them into submission, the horrible shits.

Jesus, Couthy - that's fucking awful!
How would they like it if someone did that to one of them?? I bet they'd soon change their minds about it being "boys messing around" - can you imagine??

Your poor, poor DS. :( And that school needs a good rocket up its collective arse for their pathetic attitude.

Like everyone else, I have to say tell the police for your son's sake. Plus, if my children ever did anything like Tony I'd want the police involved because I wouldn't know how to deal with it. Horrified that the school are refusing to see how bad this situation is.

Your poor DS! "Tony" sounds bloody dangerous.

I too would be on the phone to the police, if any of the things that have happened to your DS (or Couthy's) had been done to an adult the perpertrator would be being charged with assault!

There's a thread on MN somewhere about it, but I can't link as am on my phone.

I think the Governors have had long enough to 'investigate' now, and am collecting myself to shove a rocket up the school's proverbial.

The school has a frankly woeful history of not dealing with bullying, all 3 of my DC's have been severely bullied there, but only option locally is this school or HE.

Sorry for thread hijack, OP.

What I am trying to say, OP, is that given the age of the perpetrators in your DS's case, I would not HESITATE to call in the police. The ONLY thing that stopped me with DS2 is that the perpetrators were below the age of criminal responsibility. That isn't an issue in your case, so I would call the police without delay.

I would also send in a VERY strongly worded letter to the board of Governors at the school, AND if there is not a satisfactory response from that then go to the Independent Schools Adjudicator. (My complaint is going to be winging its way to Ofsted by Tuesday morning if Monday's response is unsatisfactory.)

I feel for you and your DH, and even more so for your DS. It's a horrible situation to be in.

Oh, and Google your DS's school's Anti-Bullying Policies, and base your Governor's complaint letter around them. And if you disagree with their Anti-Bullying Policies, as I do with my primary (it actually states that it needs to be an everyday occurrence), then include that in your Governor's complaint letter.

You CAN carry on with a Governor's complaint even if you pull your DS out of the school, I have discovered.

Fellatio - Believe me, I DID include in my complaint letter about how they would (And HAVE previously) dealt with it totally differently if my DS2 had been a girl...