ds (year 6) off school - again - being isolated by class

[mrszimmerman]

we moved area and ds joined yr 6 in October last year. It's a lovely school but one boy is very hostile to him. The teacher has tried to address it in a low key way but ds still very often has no one to play with at break times and seems to be incredibly down about it, he's missed days of school with an 'upset tummy' which comes on at 8.30 am.
This one boy appears to be very dominant and can't seem to tolerate ds. ds does have some friends but they don't have that much clout I think.
My sis implies: life is tough he has to go in and face it out. I wish the school could make a difference. But maybe there's nothing they can do. This boy seems to be in charge of the group.
What kind of strategies might work in this situation?
I don't know what is reasonable to expect the school to achieve. ds just says we moved so late, they all have mates, they don't really like him etc.
The whole thing is having a really depressing effect on all of us. He says he wants to be home schooled....
I've written to the teacher again and will wait to hear what he says. It's hard to force a big kid into school.
Any thing positive anyone might say from their own experience would be wonderful to read.

sympathy - IMHO yous sis wrong, life is hard enough at that age without being bullied as well!! could you request him to be moved classes away form this boy?
when you say you written to teacher again, what did teacher say first time you wrote about what the school was going to do? what is this boy doing to your ds in way of bullying, is it physical or verbal?

It's all ignoring him, isolating him, avoiding him at playtimes and influencing the group to do so, and acting hostile as well.
The teacher tried to address it in a low key way and it worked for a time but it didn't last.

god i types a reply then the cat stood on computer and it all went!!! anyway sorry,
is he friendly with anyone else not in group, could you have someone else round for tea/play, I did a similar thing with dd1 when she was being bullied, are there any after school activities he could get involved in which would widen his circle of friends? the one thing I have learned about bullies (and trust me its been trial and error with my dd1) is they dont like to think the person they are bullying doesnt want to be included in their group, ie if ds shows dis-interest in bully and his group then they either leave him alone or try and include him, try and encourage out of school clubs (youth club, football) or another thing I did with dd1 was have a quiet word with teacher so see if when they did projects she could be paired up with someone out of the "click" which gave her something else to focus on and subsequencially another friend, it does end and reading your first post you there is a positive ending, above lal dont blame yourself like I did kids can be cruel but what goes around comes around

Ask to see the school's anti bullying policy and make sure it is being implemented.

If you really feel he is not settling in his class, is there another Y6 class he can move to?

I moved house as a kid, and the girls in my new school were horrible. In the end, someone took me under her wing and things improved a bit. What made it easier was going a drama club - we all worked together on a project, as a team, and we were busy pretending to be other people - so I could be someone else, forget my worries, and make new friends. Would your DS be up for something similar?

Sorry you're going though this. I had a similar situation at end yr 5 with DD1, when her best friend decided to exclude her from the friendship group she was in, leaving her with nowhere to go as other groups already formed and solid.

These are the things I did that helped. 1. Had regular (3 evenings a week and 1 weekend a month) activities with children outside of school. 2. Went through the school, and escalated to include head. They, reasonably, tried the soft therapeutic approach first. This did not work, so we separated DD from bf in all structured activities giving less opportunity for contact. 3. I got her into ever lunchtime club, that bf not in, going. This was fab and has led to her doing some great stuff that she wouldn't have done otherwise. 4. Take a book into school for those times when no other option. 5. Never discuss with problem child's parents. Believe me this was hard for me as someone I had got to know well and liked over the years. 6. Never discuss with other parents at school. 7. Get these books: queen bees and wanabes, and the unwritten rules of friendship. Although first aimed at girls will still be useful in drawing up strategies. 8. Be there to talk but don't push, I messed-up here and kept asking if everything ok, realised that she wanted home to be a happy, safe place where she could get away from it so we concentrated on that.

Good luck, I really do understand it is horrible and affects the whole family.

Does he go to high school in September?

My DS1 had this too... nobody did anything to stop it, same old, same old, low key intervention stuff from school. It damaged his self esteem and was painful but now(10 years on) the child who did it is now regularly appearing in the court reports in local paper and on the road to prison and DS1 is caring compassionate and on a good career path, so the future was not ruined and its true what goes around comes around.
Sorry can't be more help about what to do right now, but lots of good tips here. Some kids are just little sh*s.. probably not their fault, but its hard to feel pity for perpetrators when they are damaging others.
Hope things look up for him soon.

Out of school teams? Rugby or football especially if some of his classmates are in the team. Would break down barriers and build relationships?

Thanks very much for your experiences. I'm doing most of these good things, the teacher is very good so I want him to have a chance to try to address it. I just don't know how to get him in there tomorrow, he's too big to pick up and put in the car.

yes he goes to secondary school in sept, probably to same school as this boy and his vile behaviour. But I will have no hesitation in flagging it up if they do end up at the same school.

I switched schools & we are still avoiding (clubs) attended by the boy who picked on DS (for years before that). The downside of playing things out over a spell is that DS's self-esteem & confidence are still affected (18 months later). But yet I think your situation is still too early to call how it might turn out.

I wish I knew a simple solution to your problem; DS came home for lunches for a year which cut down on opportunities for his bully :(.

did he go to school ok this am mrszimmer?

When you talk to Head of Year 7 at the secondary school, flag up this issue. Most secondaries split the year groups into 2 groups for timetabling purposes, so you could request that the unfriendly boy is placed in the different half of the year group - your DS would then be in a different tutor group and not have any lessons with this unpleasant child. It will give him a chance to establish new friendship groups. In the meantime, if you can get him involved in extra curricular groups where he can gain confidence and make new friends, that might help immensely.

You have my sympathy. My DD went through hell in year 6, the school were useless. Some days she refused to go and I didn't make her. I wish there was an easy solution...your heart breaks for them.
Def let secondary school know.They put my DD in the opposite half of the year to the bullies.

I feel for you & your DS :(- my own 9 yr old DD is going through similar right now - though in her case the Girls WERE all her good friends, but on getting back to School late this term due to being very ill, under the lead of a similar character to what you describe, they've all turned on her & like you describe, its very subtle, but incessant picking away at her - she also has IBS, so its affecting her health badly - again the School are being good & are trying to resolve things in a low key way, though I do sometimes wonder if they might be tougher if one of the key players wasn't a staff members DC, but they are trying various strategies.

One thing which I am finding helps my own DD be more positive about the situation is the phrase

"Bullies, Bully You, not because the hate you, but because, they are very insecure & either want to be you, or you remind them of something they don't like about themselves - so its actually all about THEM & the way the see themselves, not YOU, so don't let them win & let it affect you -

I also find times like this morning, when my School loving DD was crying hysterically that she didn't want to go to school & face them, talking to her about dressing smart, in a way she feels good about herself, helping with hair, clothes etc, being like putting on a suit of armour - it won't stop them, but it makes her feel stronger in herself - IYSWIM - after checking herself in the mirror - she left with a smile on her face - is this something you can try with your DS ??

Some brilliant schools have a mentor system or mediation they use to reduce bullying impact. If the bully boy is made to face what he is doing it may alter his behaviour even if he never likes your ds. Does this school have anything like that?

Also - is there a School Counsellor attached to the School??? - my own DD is seeing there one & its helping her off load & just escape from it for a little while

their, not there - bloody fingers have a mind of their own ATM