sly, jealous little madam making my dd life a misery

[jax10]

My 10 year old dd has always been a glass half full kind of person. She has the brightest smile for everyone. She goes to a small school, there are only 11 girls in her year. She has had the same bf at school from reception to recently (yr5) and has always been popular.
At the start of the school year this set of twins who had always relied on each other as best friends decided that it was time they had new BFF's. They informed dd and her bf that they were no longer bf and each of them was now bff with one of the twins.( dd with twin 2 and bf with twin1)
dd and her bf were not overly happy about this but put up with it for an easy life. ( twin1 has always been a bit dificult if she doesn't get own way).
Then twin 2 went of to play with another friend. Twin 1 began being horrible to dd. she just seemed to turn on her overnight. Possibly caused by insecurity of dd and bf friendship. BF did what twin 1 wanted as she claimed she was scared not to. This led to some really nasty behaviour towards dd, which I brought to the schools attention.
My daughter has had a very sucessful year with her dancing and although she is very humble I do think this has caused some jealousy.
Well the school have called my dd oversensitive, told her she is misuderstanding the situation regularly. The head has said she has seen no evidence of this behaviour ( other than what we are telling her and what my dd has reported to her) even when a boy in the class told the teacher he had witnessed dd being bullied it was swept under the carpet.
They referred my dd for counselling, we saw the counsellor first and after 2 hours he decided he did not want to see dd and strongly advised against it. He said she was not one with the problem and twin1 had an emotional age of 5 or 6.
Twin 1 suddenly decided another girl was her new bff and dd was over the moon at having her bf back.
This didnt last and now twin1 has forced herself between dd and bf again. the fact that bf has folowed twin1 has made dd realise she is not worth having as a friend, but she has been so upset about it.
The head has gone out of their way to be obstructive, twin1 has not been held accountable for any of her behaviour. I think there is a conflict of interests as twin1 mother works at the school.
The problem my dd now faces is twin1 is everywhere she goes. school, dancing, parties. she cant get any space from her. Now dd has tried to move on this girl is hounding her, wanting to know where she is who shes talking to whats's being said. my dd cant speak to anyone with out her trying to become a part of it.
How can I help her deal with this, as she doesnt want to go to school, has no one there to confide in?
What can I do to get the head to do something about the situation?
Thanks for any advice you can give.

That's a disturbing story. I'm no expert, but this appalled me. my gut instinct was that this school is just no good and, hard as it might be, it might be worth moving her to a school with a better attitude towards addressing this sort of problem.

My children's school would never ignore something like this, especially if a cousellor had also agreed it is not your daughter who has a problem. How much more evidence do they need?!

Maybe you could also report them to offstead. Sorry if that doesn't help you much though, but without the school's back-up it might just be impossible to resolve it in time for your daughter to feel the benefit.

That's a disturbing story. I'm no expert, but this appalled me. my gut instinct was that this school is just no good and, hard as it might be, it might be worth moving her to a school with a better attitude towards addressing this sort of problem.

My children's school would never ignore something like this, especially if a cousellor had also agreed it is not your daughter who has a problem. How much more evidence do they need?!

Maybe you could also report them to offstead. Sorry if that doesn't help you much though, but without the school's back-up it might just be impossible to resolve it in time for your daughter to feel the benefit.

What does twin2 think? It sounds like she might be enjoying taking time away from her obnoxious sibling - is she in your DD's circle of friends too - could your DD chat to her (maybe an alli!)?

Will they be going to different secondaries in september (thinking longterm). If not, you need to speak to the secondary admissions people to make sure they're in different classes etc.

I had this as a child with a teacher's daughter. The world revolved around what made her happy. I agree with dances - make sure you speak to the secondary admissions to keep them out of the same class. In my case, it was worse at secondary school than primary when we ended up in the same class, and it was like being followed around by a bad smell while trying to make new friends.

Do you know bf's mum - what does she think about it all?

Thanks for replies. Dd has rest of yr5 and yr6 at the school before she moves to secondary. Bf mum and dad have said they don't like twin1, and that bf has said she is scared of twin1. They were very keen that dd and bf remained friends. Bf seems to be enjoying having attention from dd and twin1.
They have a residential trip we are due to pay for. Dd wants to go but I have reservations. Have asked for meeting with head! She will see me in 3 weeks! At a loss. Has anyone any experience of dealing with school governors?

3 weeks is ridiculous! Your poor dd. What did head say about counsllor's view of things? Is there another school your dd can move to? School sound awful. What does mum of twins have to say about it?

3 weeks is ridiculous! Your poor dd. What did head say about counsllor's view of things? Is there another school your dd can move to? School sound awful. What does mum of twins have to say about it?

Thanks. Twin2 is actually a lovely girl. Head has said nothing about counsellors view. Did put it in an email to her but she ignored it in her brief, delayed reply. Havent been able to see her since before xmas break, ( have tried on several occasions). dd is supposed to reporting to her at end of each day. Sometimes she is there sometimes she is not. Twins mum burying head in sand. suppose head has told her she will make it go away?? Have told head via email that dd doesnot feel comfortable speaking to her ( after she made a point that dd does not always tell her what has happened). Head had suggested previously it didnt need to be her dd spoke to if there was anyone she felt more comfortable with. Now we have suggested a classroom assistant dd feels at ease with I have had to wait a week to speak to her ( 10mins in morning before school) and am only allowed to do so with a class teacher present, twins mum rang to tell me when appt was?!? Is it me or does anyone else think they are being obstructive??

Yes it does sound unneccesarily obstructive - what about writing to the head with a copy to the chair of governers?

I do think they are being maybe a bit obstructive. It's ok waiting for appointments re education etc.. but when there's an issue like this, surely they should see you straight away? When I've had these sort of concerns with mine I've never not had someone immediately willing to see me, phone me or whatever was neccessary. It just sounds odd how they are dealing with this (or not!).

Maybe they are hoping it will all go away if they fob you off for long enough?

thanks for responses. Yesterday after school I was handed a letter marked private and confidential from the secretary (twins mum). Am slightly concerned as to who typed it. Apparently the head is uncomfortable with recent interactions we have had regarding her reluctance to see us before feb. She said it is unfair of us to suggest she is refusing to see us when we already have an appointment in february and she sees no need to see us any sooner?!? what about what we feel. We have been given "homework" before the next meeting. there are 4 boxes for us to complete titled "negative feelings", "negative actons" "positive feelings" and "positive actions".....yes you have read this correctly, this is for us as parents to complete. I am wondering if the head will have completed this task too? Can anyone see a point to any of this other than she is trying to make us uncomfortable and wary about expressing our cocerns??

I am slightly confused.

How did the school refer your dd for counselling? was it through CAMHS? in which case they must have some fairly serious concerns about her.

And no counsellor would be discussing another child with you and commenting that the other child was at fault... If they are they need to be reported to their regulatory body.

Secondly, what strategies have you given your dd to help her to get past this? The twin sounds pretty obnoxious, but it also sounds as if the friendship between your dd and her bf has now run its course, that's just life I'm afraid - as difficult as that is. So rather than trying to hand on to her bf who clearly doesn't want to be friends with her, I would be advising your dd to be looking for new friends elsewhere in the playground. If this twin is always there where the other girl is, then don't hang out with the other girl - move on and make new friends. That's a start anyway.

Thanks, its all a bit difficult to explain. The school referred dd to relate. We had to see the counsellor first. The school had told them nothing. We told them we had been given the impression from the school that they would help dd to be more assertive. From speaking with us about dd they didnt feel this was necessary or was something they were able to offer. . At no point were any other childs names mentioned but examples were given of incidents that had happened as they wanted to know why we thought the referral had been made. What they said was the behaviours described were that of someone with an emotional age of 5 or 6. Seems it was an inappropriate referal really on the schools part.

I have spent alot of time talking with dd, she is moving on and realises she needs neither of these girls as a friend. BF did mess dd about a bit by claiming she was being bullied and was scared of tw1. dd has been spending time with a couple of other girls which is great. Its just now twin one doesn't seem to want to allow her to move on. She is constantly following her, asking dd's new friends what dd is doing /saying. I can't really understand why when it seems she has got what she wanted.

as the Mother of a DD going through a similar situation, though not the same I am absolutely disgusted by the way your DDs Head has behaved in this - she has neither listened, nor taken the issue seriously, but appears to be trying to frighten you off with make shift forms to un-nerve you - outrageous & IME NOT the norm at all

I suggest you no longer waste your time with this woman, but escalate your complaint to the chair of Governors & perhaps speak to your local educational welfare officer & GP as regards the effects of this persistent stress has on your DD - look like you mean business & will go to the to & not be intimidated - only then will this poor excuse of a Head do her job & take her "Duty of Care" to your DD more seriously

I do agree that your DDs BF seems to have enjoyed the attention & therefore DD finding other friends is a positive move, but the constant hounding by Tw1 is disturbing & needs nipping in the bud - she does sound emotionally young, which leaves me wondering if there are any SN at play here?? - I'm no expert, but from a DC I know with similar emotionally young behaviour, but no other obvious to the outsider signs, Dyspraxia perhaps??

It is difficult when theres staff members DCs involved, we have that too, but it shouldn't mean no action is taken & you are fobbed off, strategies need putting in place to help both your DD & Tw1, who is clearly fixated with your DD & struggling emotionally in School - perhaps changing tact slightly & recognising that in your approach might help??

good luck

I agree with all rockinhippy just said. Basically the outcome you really want is just to be listened to and ideally teachers made aware that they need to watch Twin1 and see that she keeps away from your daughter. That doesn't seem like too much to expect to me. And it's not really such a lot to ask for. This could all be sorted out so easily if the school just made all of their staff aware.