dd, 8, being bullied by cousin's friends...

[semirurallife]

know some great advice is out there but can't find our particular problem discussed, so here goes for some help, please...The situation is that we moved to a new area a few months ago, and were very excited that our dd could go to same school as her cousin, 2 yrs older. but her cousin's friends are now teasing her constantly, calling her names and slurs like weirdo and freak, to the point where she is in tears and doesn't want to go to school. and complicating factor is that shy cousin won't stick up for her....which we sort of udnerstand, but its my dh's quite particular sister who is mum, and he is wary of even raising it with her because she is likely, as she always with her kids, to be very over protective. school is aware and trying to sort, but cousin has to play a role...
but dd has no real mates, so new school not going too well, and this feels like the straw that will break me to move her. help! how can I talk to delicate sis in law about it, and get her kid to re-act? Even if the school sorts it, kind of leaves this issue as a bit of an open sore

I'm sorry your daughter is going through this. I was bullied at school for years so I know what she is going through.

I don't know if a shy 10 yr old (cousin) can help solve this problem though, what are you hoping for? Just trying to understand what your goal is with SIL.

thanks for reading... good question. well, thinking through it, the names that dd is being called seem to come from the cousin (M); ie. she dropped one (or more) comments about my dd/her cousin, along the lines of 'she's weird/crazy', that the other girls picked up and ran with, as it were...Becasue just learnt from dd that this is what one girl, asked by a teacher why she was shouting at my dd these neame, said: 'oh she [cousin M] said it'. when the teacher asked, cousin M if this was true, she said 'I don;t recall saying that'. so she's probably embarassed, and the teacher told her to stick up for her cousin> and if she doesn't say "oh no my cousin is NOT crazy" to her friends, its hard to see how even punishing the other girls will stop it. not very easy.. I had bullying too, but was much odler and could reason through it , to some extent, and found allies, but dd is clearly vulnerable as she is a new girl and still has few mates, as its quite clique-y. does that make sense? but maybe SIL, and cousin, think dd (and I) are mad/crazy, as we are much more extrovert than them who are all very reserved and tight-lipped. -well, except in the playground!

Firstly how old are the girls?

I would talk with the school, to be honest as it is down to them to find a stratorgie to manage this. I would be warry of putting the responsibilty and or blame down to the 10 year old cousin she is not ultimatly responsible for you dd, but i do agree that family tie is enough for her to be looking out for her younger cousin and raise anything she witnesses with the teachers. Im sure the school would have discussed with your sis in law if her dd is imlicated in anyway, if not maybe you could request that the school make any parents aware of the situation.

I would just mention to sis in law that dd has been experiencing some problems with older children who her dd seems close to and could she maybe just ask her dd what she has seen going on and ask her to get her dd to just tell teacher if she sees anything. I would not ask her particularly to stick for dd as this would place her dd in the situation of being bullied and breaking up friendships.

I would also encourage your dd to seek friendships within her own year group, maybe your dd has been overly relient on her cousin and is now seen to being A PITA to the other girls. when my dd started school she would follow around her older cousin and become frustrated that she did not want to play with her and although dds cousin was kind and would take dd to her own play ground her friends where a little inpatient about it this did hinder cousin and dd mentioned it once and was sad cousin would not play with her and cousin mentioned in passing the same day that dd was following her and she was not able to play with her friends. I had to tell dd to leave her alone and play with her own class mates and that it was ok to talk to her but not to need to be with her all the time. I can just see if this continued the other girls becoming a little unkind to dd and placing her cousin in an uncomfertable situation.

So basically I would say you need to consider this from the other girls perspective awell, as horrible as it is for your dd, it is probably also very unpleasant for her cousin.

sorry I aked how old they are you did post that. not sure why I even asked that.

Hi again OP. I think that if cousin is involved in name calling then that's wry different. I think you are right to bring it up with SIL though how is another matter. As gently as possible is suppose. I think PP is right too, your DD should be encouraged to seek friends in her own year group, 2 years is not a lot at the weekend, but in school time it's huge!

Good luck

thanks for those thoughts... dd is 8 BTW. Dd does play with her year, but think she sent/ goes to cousin when not finding it easy...
but like the tactful suggestions as to how to prhase to SIL, so will try it and see.
thanks :)

Update - spoke to teacher, who said she was furious with the girls in question and has extarcted a written apology from the main one. Dd under strict orders to report anything of this kind quickly in future. Teacher also very 'disspaoitned in' said cousin, who has stood by quietly; and suggested we take it up with her parents. over to Dh for chat with SIL...hard not to be cross with incapacity of cousin M to stand up for dd, we shall see what excuses she has! but as for teacher, model response as far as i'm concerned.

agreed OP. I think taking the lead from the school was the best thing to do, now the head teacher has suggested to take it up with sil, I think it would be very reasonable to tell sil that head has suggested you tackle this together as a family.

grr, anyone out there for more advice? dh has consulted with brother and they have decided they don;t think its worth even mentioning to SIL... argh!!!! daughter in misery - but maybe the complicating factor is that dd is only his step daughter... or am i paranoid?

Can you say that you are going to take the school's advice and talk to her yourself?

just talk to her your self, explain to dh that by not doing so then the message to dd is that what her cousin has done is acceptable and the feelings of sil has been prioratised over his own dds and this will prevent dd from trusting that her parents will do the right think by her. not a nice message for dd. and that you are not willing to give dd that message as her esteem will be affected by this. What reason did dh and bil give for not raising it?

Talking to sil does not need to be a big drama or confrontation and if it becomes so becuase of her reaction then that is her own problem. The issue can be raised in a sensitive manner, explain to sil the school adivced you talk with sil and that you understand that her dd may not have truelly known how to handle the situation her self, but....could she maybe find out from her dd what has happened and see if together you can rectify the problem for the girls.

should have said failing that go back to the school talk with head again and explain the problem and could she either call a meeting in the school to facilitate/mediate this.

thanks festi and Jnice... will try and see. meanwhile dh is acting like we should feel sorry for him! triple grrr! but i will put on my most diplomatic brain and have a go... :)

Can you bring it up in a way that shows you are concerned about the relationship between the cousins? You could say that it would be nice to get the cousins together because since the incidents at school you feel that your DD has lost some of her trust in her cousin and wouldn't it be nice to get it back to the lovely level they were on before. If she acts surprised/shocked - just say, Oh I'm so sorry, I thought you knew what had been going on at school.

Then tell her!