Moving primary school because of persistent bullying and racism

[Blossem]

my daughter is a twin and has been bullied by my son's friends for trying to play with him since starting school. They have been persistently nasty to her for years and years, hitting, spreading nasty whispers and calling her all sorts of names about her size and height. The first signal of all this was when she started wetting herself in class in her first year. To add to this, in year two and this year she has had racist bullying. From the very start, I have been going to the head and teachers to report the bullying and been very proactive - even to the point of arming myself with the 'European Human Rights conventions' and 'every child matters legislation' to make the school react. All this time - the school tells me that they are worried about my daughter's behaviour because she is now defensive towards anyone who is likely to say or do anything to upset her. I am not surprised by her reaction because it is totally normal for anyone that has been bullied for so long but despite this the school has labeled her as the difficult twin and my little boy as the perfect twin. Last week I made a decision to move my little girl from the school she adores for her own safety and emotional well-being. To say she is upset is an understatement. I feel let down by the school and want to name and shame both the bullies and the school. I feel let down by everyone and feel resentful that I have to move my daughter because of the school cannot deal with the bullies effectively.

That sounds awful. Has the school said what action they took against the bullies?
I guess it must be hard for your son too.
I have no advice to give but am thinking your are doing the right thing for your DD. Good luck.

It sounds a horrible situation, and I wish you all the best with the fresh start.

I assume you are also moving your son, to get him away from his "friends" who have made his sister's life so miserable? (You can, after all, hardly have them eg visit your house - and I should imagine you don't want their seemingly intractable attitudes eventually rubbing off onto your DS).

hi meditrina and dialmformmummy,

thanks for your support. I have been offline for a week or so as things progressed at school. After a family conference and a long talk with lots of people, I decided not to move my little girl. Instead, I took her out of school for two days to give her a bit of time to relax away from all the tensions at school and have made a formal complaint about these boys and have asked that their parents and the governors be notified as it has gone on for so long. I have also told the school in no uncertain terms that I will be involving ofsted and the police if any more hitting or racial abuse happens. I have also been into the school to ask my little girl's teacher to keep a good eye on her and to report back to me and the headteacher if anything else happens to my little one. I was so low when I wrote my first ever message on mumsnet but from somewhere, I found the strength to deal with the situation. I am just thinking about how my little girl is dealing with it all and have decided that I will fight anyone for her to be happy. She deserves to stay in the school she loves and the bullies have to be outed. I feel so strong at the moment. And my little girl has had a lovely week so far. just a bit of bullying but which has been reported and dealt with right away. also, my girl has twice daily visits to the heads office to tell him how things are going. plus, she is getting at least one hour emotional support at school...I'm keeping tabs on it all though and in the meantime, trying my hardest to love my little girl and my little boy and make them feel happy. xxxthanks for your support...it was so lovely to read. xxxxx

Hi i am glad you have had the strength to sort things out with the school.
My son's had a problem with racism at their school which affected them badly. Teachers constantly blamed them for things they did not do, would not listen to their concerns. Spoke to the head who denied anything like this happened, in the mean time one of my sons was affected so badly accused family of bullying because didn't want head to get in touch with us.
Social services got involved which was stressful for the whole family after head reported it. Family was cleared. Few weeks later racist words were used on both children by different kids. Heads response was, he was shock didn't think it happen in his school - in my experience they don't want to know and become bullies themselves. Had to take kids out of school lived abroad for 2 year returned and it is happened again in another school to my daughter and teachers reaction was she has friendship issues. Took her out and trying to get her to a school with more diversity in the area.
LA not interested and appeal panel refused the appeal didn't think racism is compelling enough for daughter to go to school.

My daughter was badly bullied some years ago at Wimbledon High School-and we ended up moving her to another school (where she blossomed-she is now at university). The problem today seems to be a general reluctance to actually punish-a sense that both bully and victim are equal 'victims' and need to be considered equally. We could never understand why very little action was taken and ,when it was, how ineffectual it was-despite the School noting that it had (and has) a strict anti-bullying policy. We ran into the 'if we can't see it happening then we can't take action' argument-even though we made it clear that the bullying was out of sight of teachers and much of it was via email and 'cyber'. Then we had the 'we can't believe our girls would behave like that' to contend with. Then to our amazement we were told that the way to deal with bullies -rather than just simply telling them to stop-is to get bully and victim in a room and 'talk' to them together-which of course simply reinforces the bully's feeling that they will not be punished (and they never were). Of course frequent visits to the school only create in the school's mind that the problem is with your child-again reinforced by your child becoming reluctant to go to school and isolating themselves-which the school then say is why she is being bullied...For us we found ourselves completely unsupported and adrift (and we were paying fees for our daughter's schooling as well!) in a vicious circle. So we gave up in the end and moved her to a different school-where she was, thankfully never bullied. Indeed the difference in attitude at her new school was quite marked as one girl was expelled for bullying while our daughter was there. Zero tolerance meant exactly that-no fooling around with everyone being seen as a victim! I am not sure what advice I would give a parent in the same position-the natural instinct to protect and fight for justice has to be balanced by the impact on your child. And I sense from other postings and blogs that our experience is pretty typical. Moving school may be the best answer-and you have to hope (and we were lucky in that sense) that a new school will be beneficial for your child. I will never forget the powerlessness my daughter (and we ) felt.

blossem - no idea what to say but very well done for keep up the pressure and doing your best for your little girl. Wrong is wrong and you are trying to address that. Wish your family the best.

We also withdrew our child from school due to bullying and the school's inaction. Despite them having phoned me on one occassion when she had been kicked yet again, they still insisted it was 'just girls falling out' My dc was bedwetting and getting very upset, it was a battle we were not going to win. I hope everything works out for you.