Homophobic Bullying in Primary School

[Busybee2011]

My DD and his best friend have been suffering homophobic bullying in their primary school. This situation has been going on for more than one year and they are only 9. Both myself and the mother of his friend have been reporting the situation to the Headteacher. The Headteacher does take notice and often speaks with the boys carrying on with the bullying. When this happen, the bullying stops for a while and then starts again by another group of children. Today, my son came back from School telling me that a group of girls kept looking at him and his friend in an unpleasant manner and then running away and screaming as they were approaching. He also said that other children kept saying that he and his friends kiss each other. At first, I tried to comfort and reassure him. I explained to him in words appropriate for his age what Gay meant and that there was nothing to be proud or ashamed about. I also told him that if when he was a grown up and realizes/decides that he was gay that I would still love him in the same way. However, I am concerned about the continuation of the bullying. I do believe that the bullying is being originating in the homes of the children who are bullying my son and his friend. I believe that some parents are so scared of their own children turning up to be gay that they pass homophobic attitudes to them, as if this would prevent them becoming gay once they are adults. They also harden up their boys by repressing any shows of affection and caring as if this should be reserved only for girls. I would appreciate some other insights on this issue so that together we can find a way of changing this dreadful situation. As any other parent, I want to protect my son and I believe that the best way is to equip him with tools that would help him to get out stronger from any situation in life. But how do other parents deal with this situation? The bullying I am talking about is happening in an adorable and well managed village school. I dread to imagine what goes on in rougher schools.

Why do the other kids think he is gay? Do they even know what it means? My eldest DS1 is 9 and said the other day when his brother jumped on him 'oh that is so gay' I asked him if he knew what it meant, he sort of did so we then talked appropriately about it.

Do you think your son and/or his friend is gay?

I do think that your comment about parens not wanting their children to be gay and passing on homophobic attitudes is not entirely true. People are scared and wary of things they have no experience of and I am not sure that the subject comes up that ofter to pass down homophobic attitudes. But I am sure they are some that do, but in the minority.

My Dad was gay, but married and had two children, divorced when I was 25 and went on to have one male relationship. It's so hard to hear it from someone you love, but it does not make you homophobic. I think until you are in that situation you cannot say that you will just embrace it wholeheartedly without issues; but issues and opions about it do not equal homophobia. I did not instantly go 'wow that's great I am so pleased' it was tough as hell but we got through it together. He died 10 years ago and I am glad he was able to be who he felt he really was before he died.

With children, there is always something some pick up on, some point of difference eg: ginger, fat, freckly, having no Dad, crap at sport, geeky. DS 1 has a large hairy birth mark on his forearm and used to get teased about having a Dr Who baddie crawling up his arm, he used to get upset, but has now learned not listen and take in other people's nastiness.

You can only deal with how your son deals with the situation, not the bad/wrong attitudes of others. You can't change everyone and it is up to the school to deal with any sort of bullying whatever the subject. I also think 9 is a tipping point for many boys to start developing a sense of individuality and less of a follow the pack mentality.

The school need to do more about bullying is it is continuing. Address the bullying, look after your son and his needs, but forget the bigger picture of others attitudes, you need to concentrate all your energies at school and home.

Good luck.

do he and his friend kiss each other? Because while any form of bullying is of course not acceptable, if this is the case then unfortunately children will latch on to any difference and make something of it. If your ds and his friend are in the habbit of kissing each other then tbh I would be inclined to gently tell them that this is perhaps not an appropriate way to act. If it was a nine yo boy and girl kissing people would think it inappropriate, boys kissing isn't any less so.

"gay" seems to be the latest insult to be thrown around the playground at the moment. my son is 9 and has told me lots of times of the class bullies calling various people gay, we have lots of gay friends and my DS is unfazed by it as he understands and knows it isn't something terrible to be feared.
However it was his turn a few months ago, a rumour was started that he and his best friend were gay, resulting in his best friend no longer speaking to him and it would seem that this is backed by his parents who seem to think that being gay or being thought to be gay is so repulsive that it is better to lose a very good friend than have anyone think that!!