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Bullying

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Original poster

my heart is aching for my son!what to do?

26 replies

trasa · 21/04/2011 22:05

hello everyone
sorry this mite be long....
im hope to get some advice on here as my brain is feeling crushed!!!!

my son is in year 1 and is 6,
he has been having lots of problems at school,last year we had him assessed for adhd,which they said he hasnt got.
this year we have been called in again and asked by the teacher to take him back to the gp to get him referred again to see if adhd is there.
which we have done and are now waiting for our appointment to come...
we beleive there is a mild amount of adhd there...

over the last 2 years hes been at school we have been called in so many times about his bad behaviour! teachers have told us he hits,hes angry,hyper,etc etc.

always when we have been called in to discuss our son on matters like these,we have then always questioned our son on each matter,when he hit or got angry etc,
the story from him is always the same apart from the fact that another boy has scribbled all over his work,so my son then hits him for doing so,hes been dragged on the grass by his coat,so again he gets anrgy and hits..
there hiding his pencil,so he gets angry and it goes on and on like that,
when i try to discuss this with his teacher he just says that our son has to learn that hitting is not the answer!! far enough,i agree and try so hard to explain to him,but he struggles to understand,

the other week the teacher had an informal chat with me and he expressed his concerns that my son was showing signs of been anxious,and that everything has to be in order and if it wasnt he would look and feel anxious and angry,and to mention this when hes referred.

yesterday i took him to the park and there were 4/5 boys from his class there,my son was thrilled to have his buddies,he got excited and said to me im going over to the loo before i play,
while he was gone for a wee the boys started talking about him,saying,hes an idoit,we hate him,hes so innoying,hes bad,everyone hates him etc etc!!!

i then said to my son,sorry dude,i forgot something,we need to go back home ive forgoten something,he came with a battle,as we were leaving they started saying bye bye idiot boy over and over,
i got upset,
i sat my son down and quized him about his "mates" i asked do you like them,he said yes,i asked do they like you,he said no,they hate me,i asked how do you know that,he said because they tell me,they all do,my name is idiot boy! and they dont let me near them at school,

im gutted for him,is this a form of bulling??
what should i do?is this causing his anger and everything thats going on?
the teacher last year said to us,he will have no mates soon as he so irrtating to others and dosent know when to stop! i didnt beleive her then.and now look....
so sorry this is so long winded
thank you all for reading it though.xxxxx

OP posts:
purplerabbitofinle · 21/04/2011 22:08

That's bullying, and the teacher should be dealing with the boys who are name-calling. No, hitting is not the answer but if he feels that there are no adults in the school who will believe him, what is he going to do?

Either the teacher stamps on the behaviour, or your son gets a new school where they have a decent attitude!

thisisyesterday · 21/04/2011 22:10

yes it IS bullying and the school need to be doing something about it not just blaming your son and saying he needs to learn not to hit

of course hitting isn't ok, but it is also not ok to be bullied every day at school :-(

I would ask for a meeting between yourself and your partner/husband if you have one and the headteacher and the class teacher.
explain that you know it isn't ok for your son to hit and that you're working on that, but tell them that you want answers as to why he is being bullied and why they are doing nothing aboiut it

tbh i would go so far as to take him out indefinitely until they can guarantee that he will no longer be bullied

and i would have said something to the chldren in the park as well! do you know their parents? if the school are ineffective then i would talk to them as wel

mercibucket · 21/04/2011 22:13

oh that is very sad your poor son. I would have been gutted too Sad
have a serious word with school and the teacher asap! is there another school he can change to?

Original poster
trasa · 21/04/2011 22:15

oh thank you, i spoke to my brother today about it and his answer to it all was,there kids!!
i know that,but im upset about it.
myself and my husband discussed a change of school away from them all,a new start for him,but my husband thinks next year when hes done with yr 2,he can then go into a new middle school.
the reason he said that is because im so nervous of moving him now,with everything thats probably going on with him,and what if i go from the frying pan to the fire? what a chance to take....

OP posts:
mercibucket · 21/04/2011 22:22

it might be a particularly crap teacher who isn't dealing with it so may be better next year but really it should be a whole school approach to bullying and I'd be wary of their approach being to blame the person being bullied. try the school first but don't be fobbed off! the school can't make the boys be friends with him but they can stop the bullying and name calling and should have a 'buddy' system of some kind as well.

this kind of thing makes me so cross. I'd be terrible at dealing with it. at least you tell your son it's wrong to hit - you know what I'd say? If someone's mean to you like that, hit them and hard but make sure the teachers not looking and deny it afterwards and I'll back you to the hilt if you get in trouble. I'm such a cow. you are a much more reasoned and better mum!

purplerabbitofinle · 21/04/2011 22:23

He is definitely being bullied where he is

He might have a couple of problems settling in to a new place

[buhmm]

Original poster
trasa · 21/04/2011 22:32

mercibucket you made me laugh!!
im sure you are a lovely mam,and believe me thats what i want to tell him! and he would if i did.....
the thing is,this is the 2nd teacher saying all this,the 1st been female and his teacher now is male,i do believe he understands him,i know he struggles with him,hes told me so,
just the last time i was in there about the fact the hes been wind up teacher just said he has to learn the consequences of his actions,id no answer,coz he was rite!! although teacher said he could see them winding him up,that it wasnt that bad for my son to be reacting the way he does..
do i need to kick off?and not except that??

OP posts:
purplerabbitofinle · 21/04/2011 22:44

Yes. Kick off big style. Do not accept that your son is to blame for other children being so nasty to him!

Original poster
trasa · 21/04/2011 22:50

purpler
what do you make of the "being anxious" bit? not sure what to make of that or what the teacher really meant! im afraid to ask to be honest.i have a feeling what he meant....

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 21/04/2011 22:57

yes you need to kick up a big stink! he does need to control how he reacts to them... but they should not be doing that to him in the first place!!!!
this is the second time in as many weeks that i've heard of a school placing the blame on the bullied child... it's so wrong

i WOULD move him tbh. when you are being bullied and are unhappy each day feels like a lifetime. And I say this from experience. it may not seem long until he is in year 2... but think of it from his point of view.
every day he has to go somewhere that he knows people dislike him. he knows he will be taunted and he knows that if he does anything about it HE will get into trouble :-(

the effects of bullying are many and are long lasting.
either remove him until they can guarantee that no more bullying will occur, or change schools.

i would also be complaining to the governers and the LEA

Original poster
trasa · 21/04/2011 23:03

thisisyesterday
thank you so much for that,that brings a whole new lite to it...

OP posts:
KatyH · 21/04/2011 23:07

The boys' behaviour is definitely bullying but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that it is entirely responsible for your son's behaviour. If he does have ADHD then this may have singled him out in a way and made him a target for the bullies.

It needs to be stopped though. Not only for his sake, but also because it will make it easier to disentangle what is underlying his behaviour. Sorry you're going through this though. There's nothing more heartbreaking than witnessing your child being bullied.

Original poster
trasa · 21/04/2011 23:14

yes katyh you are right! the fact that he may have adhd is making him a target,i can see it myself, he really dosent help himself sometimes.bless his little heart.x

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 21/04/2011 23:18

i do agree with katy, ds1 is being assessed for ASD atm and some of his behaviour does increase his likelihood of being picked on

thankfully his teacher realises that the way he responds to situations is something he can't always help, and so we are all working together to try and teach him new ways of dealing with things (this includes her and the TA keeping a close eye on him so that if he is about to "explode" they can remove him from the situation), and also ensuring that the other children are very aware of the school's policy on bullying in general.

they are all 6 as well, and a couple of talks aimed at the entire class have stopped the name-calling so far!

Original poster
trasa · 21/04/2011 23:29

oh that is great thisisyesterday....i wish they would understand that my son "cant help" his ways..although he does understand afterward that if hes hit or shouted out that it was wrong! my sons teacher says he "explodes" and has to learn to control himself,i told the teacher that i manage to catch him before get to a situation like that,and that i distract him quite easily,
he said to me,how on earth can i do that with a class this size?
my head is going round and round here this eve and was thinking of asking the teacher to have a class talk about "things"..and what about asking if they could put on there monthly news letter that goes out to everyone that parents should talk to there children too about bulling in general?

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 21/04/2011 23:37

well all i can say is other teachers manage it!!! really, ds1's has been great, and if she can do it with a class of 28 children, then I am sure your son's teacher can.
he just doesn't want the bother by the sounds of it. it's easier to deal with the fall-out than spend time looking for the triggers to start with :-(

are there any children that he does get on with? I tried to arrange quite a few playdates with some of the children that ds1 liked, that way he got to know them and build friendships in the safety of his own home, with me right there to intervene if anything got heated.

Original poster
trasa · 21/04/2011 23:42

well they were the mates i was having round!! i though they were his proper mates,this is why i got so upset...
well thank you all for this chat this eve,i am a little clearer on how to deal with it,just a stiff gin and tonic before i see the head teacher on tuesday!!!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 21/04/2011 23:45

absolutely! i am shit at confrontations normally, but when it comes to the children my inner tigress usually wins out :-)

hope it all goes ok and you get it all sorted out.
don't come away without them telling you what THEY are going to be doing about it though, don't let them fob you off with class sizes or any of that rubbish

purplerabbitofinle · 22/04/2011 07:08

Think of your anxiety as milk contained in a saucepan. Normally, it's about a quarter full, just general niggles like "did I turn the gas off/lock the back door? Do we need milk/bread?". When something bad happens, like bereavement, or a heated discussion about something we care about, it boils up, and might occasionally boil over and make a sticky mess on the hob.

For a person with ADHD, ASD etc the saucepan is full from the start...

Once your son's anxiety levels reduce, so will his aggressive behaviour. As will the calling out, running around the classroom, and being "all over" people.

Oh, and if the school were doing their job with any sort of efficiency he'd have had an IEP (Individual Education Plan) and been on School Action or School Action Plus a loooooooooong time ago...

Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight. And keep fighting

bellavita · 22/04/2011 07:42

I would make an appointment to see the Head Teacher and insist that he/she arranges for a behaviour specialist to go in and observe. This might take a few weeks depending on what their case loads are like but hopefully it will be sooner rather than later. The Head cannot refuse your request.

Basically, someone will go in and observe the lessons your son is in, observe playtime/lunchtime etc. Only the teacher is aware of who this person is, the children will just be told they are visiting the school.

They will go away, make their report and then you will go back into school for a meeting with them and the Head. I would think maybe you will get a copy of the report in the post before the meeting so you can digest the info and findings. He/she will come up with a plan of action and will work with the school.

We had a behaviour specialist go in - yr1 and yr6 (which he is in now). I cannot tell you how many tears I have cried sat in the bloody witches Heads office.

I so feel for you and your son.

bellavita · 22/04/2011 07:44

Oooh, i have just read your last post and see you are seeing the Head on Tuesday - perfect! Insist on the Behaviour Specialist - they will come from the local authority and are impartial.

Original poster
trasa · 22/04/2011 10:01

hes being on an iep since 3 weeks after he started school,but to be honest i cant see a damm what that is doing,on his new one that we got home in feb,it said every time our son uses his "voice" when he feels angry,and comes and tells an adult he will be rewarded with a stamp in his book,if he gets 5,he can choose a reward for him self,
so we put the same system in at home..
last month he came home,on a friday from school and said,mam i used my voice twice today!! we all screamed with delite!!
he said a boy spit in his face,and i told an adult,coz i felt very cross in my belly,then later he pushed my head on the wall and i felt angry,he showed me this by clinching his fists,and again he told an adult..well done!!!!
so we said you deserve a reward for that,what would you like?he wanted buttons which he got,

later in the eve i quizzed him on the matter and asked who he told,and how many stamps hes got now?he said i havent got any....i felt so angry then....
so on monday i spoke to his teacher about it,and he said,well he didnt tell me! wtf!!!!
he could see i wasnt happy and i got our soons stamp book from his draw and gave him 5 stamps there and then,i just said to teacher,comunication!! and walked out.

OP posts:
Original poster
trasa · 22/04/2011 10:12

what is school action?or action plus?

OP posts:
purplerabbitofinle · 22/04/2011 11:03

Well done you with the stamps! He needs to trust that you are on his side - because the school blatently aren't!

Sa and sa+ are the two levels of support available before you get to statement. I'm on my phone so can't link but google is your friend. There should be a governor for sn might be worth contacting them, also local inclusion officer?

activate · 22/04/2011 11:06

You need to get The Unwritten Rules of Friendship and read it

they are all 6 - your child is not understanding the friendship code that kids have - yes he's being bullied but he also has some learning to do about how to make friends and how to act so that he is not a target

strongly recommend it