bfeeding newborn and managing a 16 month old?

[JellyBabyLady]

I have a 13 day old DD2 and a 16mo DD1 and I'm finding it hard, bfeeding seems to be taking all my time just like last time but this time I have a 16 month old to look after as well.

I don't mind through the day too much but at night it means it has to be me to get up to DD2 and DH who would help if he could isn't really able to. I'm SO tired.

At the moment DH is still off work but if I'm finding it hard now, what am I going to do when he goes back?
I feel totally trapped by the bfeeding, but I know how pleased I was to bf DD1 for 8 months and really felt I'd done my best for her. Guilt is all that is stopping me switching to formula for DD2, I'd only be doing it for my own sake.

Any pearls of wisdom or words of inspiration?

Jellybabylady- caring on your own for a new baby and a still-young toddler is scary. You can't send the baby back (!) or decide the toddler now needs to start full time school (!) or engage the fleet of servants you'd like to wait on you and clean the house and do the shopping.

So the feeding - which is one aspect you can change - looks like a prime candidate for making life easier.

But would it?

You'd need to shop for formula and bottles and teats; prepare the formula; clean and sterilise the equipment. In addition, we know ff babies have on average more earache and more gastric upsets than bf babies which take up your time and energy in doctor's appointments and so on (as well as being miserable for the baby).

If all we are talking about is time saved, then I can't see that ff wins

And the baby still needs to be fed. With bf you at least have a spare hand to make a duplo man, share a book, cuddle the toddler....

Your use of the word 'trapped' is interesting. Unpack that, and think about what would help you with this, and see if it just bf that makes you feel it. You can't do much or go many places with 2 such small children anyway - but at least with bf, you have a portable food supply

tiktok - I know you are totally, totally right but I just feel like I'm stuck on the sofa looking at a bored 16mo who then plays up because she is so bored.

I can't help thinking that if DD2 was ff then she would go longer between feeds so I'd have a chance of getting things done for DD1. Also DH could do some night feeds and I'd get a little sleep.

I know it'll get easier as DD2 gets older, but right now its rotten. I guess its a case of the grass is always greener

I do hear ya, JBL.

I hope others will come on and share ideas of what helped - in my own experience, it helped to have a few books to hand when I was sat on that sofa, small toys and objects of interest, which were only used at feeding times, and, basically, to develop the skill of bf while doing toddler-amusing/caring things at the same time.

There is no guarentee that ff babies sleep longer than bf babies - very very little evidence of this, in fact, except for night feeds and even then the difference is actually quite small.

It is early days for you. Things may change and become easier - in fact, they almost certainly will.

Excuse my typing - am stuck on the sofa with feeding baby too!!

The good thing about a 16mo is that you can 'lead' their play a bit to make it more convenient for you. When I had ds, dd was 2 and we did a lot of playing at the table so i could sit and feed easily.

Do you have a sling? Now I have number 3 I can'i indulge the baby's need to 'comfort' feed quite so much, if I'm confident she's not actually hungry I pop her in the sling so I can get on and play with the others.

I also make the most of the weekend, hand the baby to DH and do stuff with the older ones.

It will be better/easier than you think though, when you HAVE to find ways to cope, you do!

keep in mind that ff may not be a cure-all anyway, it could be the baby is deriving a lot of comfort from all the feeding and you would just swap being on the sofa for pacing the floor with a crying baby.

Oh JellyBabyLady, that sounds really difficult. One of the things that helped me lots in the constant breastfeeding days was having a soft fabric carrier so that you can bf on the go. Mine was a moby wrap, but there are lots that will do the trick. I'll never forget the wonderfully multi-tasking feeling I had when doing my Asda shop with DS feeding happily at the same time - no-one could see a thing. Much easier than a bottle! He spent months in that carrier, and I was out and about nearly all the time because he was happier when I was moving.

jelly I feel for you. DS2 is nearly 12months (still BF) and cluster fed for the first 12 weeks. DS1 was just turning 4 and DD had just turned 2. It was such hard work! But it got sooo easy (hence me still feeding) and I am glad I stuck by it.

I went to breastfeeding groups 1-2 times a week for the first 6 weeks. It helped build my bf confidence (and overcome some BF issues) but most importantly the groups had things for toddlers/older children to do. Maybe try that. It gets you out of the house with your DC's and gives DD1 some activity. Also, the weather has been great. Why not go for a walk in the park and sit and picnic with DD1 and feed DD2. You only have to do once a week if you are shattered but the change of scenery may make you feel less "trapped".

Congrats on your new baby.

It is really hard, but it does get a bit easier quite quickly as you work out ways to manage it. My two are now 18 months and 6 weeks and its already much easier than a few weeks ago.

I try to get out every morning. DD1 is much happier if we get out and DD2 will go longer between feeds when we're out too. I go to toddler groups or the children's centre with dd2 in the sling so i have my hands free to play with dd1, but there are lots of other mums to keep an eye the toddler while i'm feeding or who are very happy to hold the baby while i see to dd1, and there's plenty to keep dd1 occupied.

Focusing your attention on the toddler when the baby is sleeping really helps. Even just 10 minutes with my complete attention makes a real difference to my toddler's behaviour.

If she's getting restless while i'm feeding i try to keep her busy by e.g asking her to find a specific toy, or point out different parts or her body or the baby's body.

If none of that's working then its time to switch on cbeebies

Hi JellyBabyLady and congrats on DD2

I have a 20 month old DS and 2 month old DD so I understand where you are coming from! My DH had to go back to work when DD was just 5 days old, and I found the following worked really well for me...

1. Find out the location of every single parent and toddler group in the area. The ones at the SureStart children's centers tend to run in the mornings and are usually only £1 per family. Most of the larger churches run pretty good ones too. DD1 has somewhere to run about and have fun and you have somewhere to sit back, relax and bf DD2 whilst chatting to other Mums. As an added bonus you'll probably find that DD2 will nap really well when you get her home and be less bored around the house in the afternoon. Pack up the changing bag every evening for a quick getaway and an easier life! Soft play areas, parks and playgrounds also work well for this sort of thing (assuming you don't mind bfing out and about).

1. Look at introducing a bottle of expressed milk for DH to feed at night. We introduced a bottle at 6 weeks and, after trying a few different teats, DD will now happily take a bottle of expressed milk when needed. Express off a little here and there and pop it in milk bags in the freezer (it defrosts also instantly if you freeze in tiny amounts and float it in warm water for about 60 seconds - quicker than making a bottle of formula). I tend to express whilst DD is feeding off the other side and DS is out of the way napping or in bed.

1. Set up a messy play area where DD2 can play with water/salt dough/etc whilst you sit on the floor next to her bfing DD1. I find this keeps DS amused for ages and I still get to feel like I am playing with him.

This will get easier I promise. Also, don't assume that ff would necessarily be easier. DS was exclusively ff from the end of his 3rd week and still needed feeding every 2-3 hours night and day (and did until about 7 months old ). DD is exclusively bf and already goes longer between feeds. I really don't think the feeding method makes that much difference.

Thanks guys, I knew it was going to be hard but I think the sleeplessness is making it worse.

I do have a sling but in the hot weather DD2 gets so hot in it that it really worries me. I'm always super hot so between me and the sling fabric she swelters and feels all sweaty so I haven't used it again.

Trying activities at the table is a good idea, any suggestions? Is 16mo too young for playdoh?

I do go to a couple of baby groups a week but they all stop in the next 2 weeks for the summer holidays so won't have any to go to when I need them most!

I asked and my local bfeeding group don't seem too keen on older ones going. When I asked the woman sighed and said 'well, you can bring them but they need to be kept under very close control' which I took to mean 'no, they aren't welcome really' so don't even want to bother with that if we aren't welcome.

I do live near a nice park though, so I can go and let DD1 have a good crawl around and get nice and dirty!

Got to go, DD1 getting up from her nap but will be back later. Thanks X

my DD was 17 months when DS was born, so I completely empathise!

i agree with what everyone else says - I was out and about very early on, because lots of playing in the park would tired DD out.

It does get easier (although I don't really remember the first 6 months...it went by in a bit of blur!)

also the TV is Your Friend....

Bummer about the baby groups!! Might be worth seeing if your local library is doing anything over the summer? Ours does quite a lot of activities and they're very welcoming.

We used to do playdoh, drawing, painting, flour on a tray with little tubs and spoons for her to play with, almost like sand. Keep wipes/dustpan and stuff handy so you can clean up quickly after. 16 mo should be ok for playdoh as long as she's past the 'put everything in mouth' stage?
You could even just put megabloks or other toys up on the table for her to play with.

I've also resorted to baths to keep them happy before now. They'll happily stay in there for an hour...I can sit on the towel box/loo and feed the baby.

my 18 month old is just getting into playdough, so try some and see. she's really taken to drawing the last couple of months too so maybe try that too?

We also get hot in the sling, but its not so bad if i have the baby in just a nappy. Around the house and garden I sometimes don't bother with wearing a top and just wear bra and sling!

I would second what MrsGravy says about baths and greensnail about striping down for wearing baby. That said, there were 2 days last week where it was simply too hot for my moby wrap - clothes or no clothes.

Shame about the baby groups not running out of term time. What area are you in? There might be some fellow MNers who'd be happy to meet up so your little ones can play together over the summer?

DS has played with salt dough (basically homemade playdoh) since he was 17 1/2 months old, but in hindsight I think he'd have enjoyed it earlier. He also really enjoys sharing out and feeding me raisins with his little plastic tea set . This can keep him occupied for up to half an hour!

I forgot to say on my earlier post - it sounds impossible but make sure you do sleep on the very rare occasions when their nap times coincide. Unplug the phone, pop a note on the front door and get your head down, if only for 30 minutes. It really does make a difference.

Thanks so much for the ideas and support. I've been out, bought crayons, playdoh, pavement chalk for the patio and a UV sunshade for the garden so we should be able to have some afternoons out in the garden now.

I've checked and my local library has a few things on over the summer, mostly for over 4's but a few for younger ones so I'll check those out to get out and about.

I guess if I try to get out everyday then I needn't feel too guilty if DD1 watches an hour of cbeebies in the afternoon??