Really upset with my mum's reaction

[bearcrumble]

I love my mum but we don't have the easiest relationship. She was very critical of me as a child/teen and all I remember of her is that she was always more concerned with her current boyfriend/chasing men than with me.

I wasn't the easiest child but I think my behaviour was more of a consequence of her parenting than anything else. She is convinced I was ADHD (conviently exonerates everyone from being at fault).

I was in trouble at school a lot but did end up with A-levels and a degree eventually so can't have been that bad.

Anyway sorry about the long preamble but wanted to give a bit of background.

The other day I said that I wanted to breastfeed until he was about 2. She kept making yukky faces and saying it was "muggy" and "disgusting". I said what the WHO guidelines were but she kept on with the faces etc. and I kind of backed down a bit - got all apologetic and said "well I wont breastfeed him until he's really big ir anything".

Now I feel angry about not standing my ground sensibly, which I can do on some occasions. I feel that revisting the conversation is probably not a good idea.

I don't know why I want her approval so much or care what her opinion is but I do.

I guess I either want to stand up to her like an adult (not aggressively) OR have her love and approval and what Ive managed to do in this case is have neither so I'm cross with myself as much as with her.

Your reaction isn't surprising; I forget who it was who said that our parents can push all our buttons because they installed them, but it's absolutely true.

You'll be better prepared to be assertive next time it comes up.

Ha, my very wise friend Niki always says that.

You're right that I'll be prepared if it comes up again, that's one good thing. Also my DH is very supportive. He can just say "she's mad, ignore her" but I tend to stew on things she's said. Really need to change that because it's not doing me any good.

Hi bear,sorry you had such an unsupportive response.
Your Mum sounds like she is continuing to be inappropriately critical of you ,I agree that it is likely that your "difficult " behaviour was a consequence of her parenting.

Imagine your reaction if a friend made that response to your good intentions.You may well have felt more able to stand your ground, and perhaps not have ended up feeling cross with yourself.

I agree with Professor, she is likely to continue to push your buttons - be prepared.

I have a very difficult relationship with my mother,who also describes me as "difficult".
It has been much more rocky since I became a mother.I am still sad that I will probably never have her love or approval.And I have had to keep on guard to be the adult when sticking to my own way of parenting.

Maybe have a look at the "Stately Homes " thread in Relationships.

Also, you could read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward ,and "When you and your Mother cannot be friends" by Rebecca Secunda.

You sound as if you are doing really well!
Good luck x

Do what I do when Mum has one of her great ideas ... i.e. agree with everything she says 100% wholeheartedly and then go away and do what you were going to do anyway. She's happy, I'm happy and she has never seemed to twig on.

BTW... however well/bad/indifferent you raise your own child they'll also be complaining about you in 20 years' time to whoever will listen. It goes with the territory.

Don't worry about your mum's opinion. That's all it is, an opinion. You do what YOU feel is right for you and your DS. Your mum didn't carry him for 9 months or give birth to him - you did.

I find a lot of grandparents seem to think they know all about babies etc but, they only know about THEIR experiences regarding children they've either had themselves or looked after for friends and family.

So you do what you feel is right and good for you and the LO and don't worry about anyone else. If your happy then you LO should be happy and content. Good luck