Will weaning my 19-month daughter off the boob harm her emotionally

[dorisbonkers]

Please bear with me, I know that sounds like a bit of a precious title, but I can?t think of a better way to phrase it.

I want to gradually (or even suddenly if that?s better) wean my daughter off the breast. I think it will benefit both our sleep and I still haven?t had a period and want to think about TTC within the next 12-24 months.

I?ve fed my DD on demand up until recently. I was finding it hard feeding her out and about and also beginning to resent the pawing and scratching so I decided to ?day wean? . I did it over a few weeks and it was ok-ish. She was relatively easy to distract but I failed to wean her off the before dinner feed ? particularly when I?ve come back from work (I work part time and my husband looks after her). She is hanging by then and I feel

I feed frequently at night, and it?s the usual story ? lots of wakings, lots of feeding, mega feed in the dawn hours (hard when I have to get up at 5.30 am)

I tried night weaning but it was a disaster. She was inconsolable. Maybe I didn?t approach it right. I did it out of crossness and desperation instead of making a plan.

I just felt she was TOO upset and maybe not ready and so I caved. I figured at least I can have these tools to settle her and also it assuages my working-mother guilt.

But I find myself in the same situation. Still broken sleep, still frequent waking. I feel stabs of jealousy (in a deep bitter way that I didn?t when she was a baby) when I read of other babies sleeping through.

I?m going on holiday with friends and don?t think I can cope if she?s still waking every 1-3 hours.

But am I right to hang back for now? Should I just ?grow some? and deal with this upset as natural, but short lived. I don?t want to damage the lovely relationship we have.

Thanks, that was long but feels good to get it out.

Hi. I don't know if my experience will help but I weaned DD1 at 20 months and she seems to be OK now at 3.5!

I was working 4 days a week so she was also pretty much 'day weaned' but fed frequently at night and I suddenly decided I had had enough (and also wanted to TTC.)

It's not what is recommended (which I think is dropping a feed at a time) but I went cold turkey on the last remaining feeds.

I wore something inaccessible to her and when she woke in the night I took her into bed cuddled her but told her mummy didn't have any more milk - she was upset but not inconsolable and after two nights she no longer asked! I was very conscious to give her loads of cuddles so wasn't withholding this aspect of BF and she remained her happy self and I felt so much better.

I was amazed at how easy it was for us and it definitely helped with TTC as well.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Thanks LisabethChan

Yes, I think I need to over the next two months night wean her (say between midnight and six no feeds) then if that's worked

It's just the crying a) annoys me b) worries me she's undergoing psychological trauma c) disturbs me.

I guess it really may be as simple as 'crying because she's used to something lovely that gets her back off to sleep and she's upset about it'

Just hard to make that call when you're flustered/guilty/trying to get to sleep yourself.

Thanks

"...then if that's worked "... tackle the pre-dinner and the going to sleep ones. They'll be the hardest I reckon.

I'm a SAHM, so I still feed during the day, but I've found that if you can drop the going to sleep feed, then she will start to sleep better at night.
At the moment she feeds to sleep, so when she wakes in the night, she doesn't know how to fall asleep without you feeding her. If you begin a new routine and put her to bed awake, then she will learn to fall asleep without feeding.
I won't pretend that it will be easy, but it is worth it in the long run. I would sit with her until she falls asleep, it will take time at first and she will be upset, but persevere and she will gradually accept that this is her new bed time routine.
Good luck!

Mothers have rights too! I wanted my body back and I refused to be a comfort thing in the night-they got water at that age! Do what feels right for you. Mine were not traumatised.

Thanks. Perhaps traumatised isn't the right word. Just hard to know if you should 'push' it or hold back a bit. In other respects I've pretty much attachment parented (and my DH too, he can actually sling her to sleep better than I can) for want of a better expression, so being 'firm' is a relatively new concept.

I am encouraged by the daytime feeds going without too much horror (apart from pre-dinner)

Do you think I should night wean without feeding her to sleep first. We sleep in the same bed if that makes any difference.

When we night weaned I still fed to sleep first. It was just (ha! "just"...) a case of spending a few nights steadfastly pretending to be asleep while DH gave copious cuddles and ran through "no, Mummy's asleep. It's sleep time. You can have a feed in the morning. Time to sleep now..."

If you wean gently (or just start by night weaning and then regroup and figure out what you want to do next) then she won't be at all damaged.

I think that by that age they should have a way of getting to sleep by themselves and a way of getting back to sleep by themselves. Sleep in our house was the most important thing. I can't be a good parent without sleep. Once they got to the age that they didn't need a feed in the night they got water. It didn't upset them-a quick cuddle to let them know they weren't alone and a drink-no speaking or lights and then no one woke properly. I just gradually slowed up the rest. Traumatised was the wrong word but it was gradual, they were not distressed. Put other things in it's place e.g. bedtime story and cuddle.

doris if you mostly attatchment parent, then Elizabth Pantley might help.

I worried about the psychological trauma too! DD1 was definitely upset at the time but only in the moment IYSWIM i.e. there were no obvious effects the next day.

I think I felt it was the right time because I was beginning to resent it so it was no longer a lovely bonding experience but a point of stress for me.

Only you know when it is right for you both and whatever you decide will be the right decision.

I'm off now to BF DD2 6w - I'm sure I'll be equally conflicted and confused when the time comes to stop BFing her!

Thanks everyone. Will attempt nightweaning a la Jay Gordon and see how it goes. Friends have said they were suprised how quick it was and wished they'd done it sooner.

It's not the sleep that's SO much the issue. I've always coped well on not much. It's the pawing, kneading, lying in uncomfortable positions, the not wanting contact from DH, the feeling a bit still hormonal so much further on from pregnancy, not having a period. I was feeding a small low cetile baby the one minute and now she's a fully conversant little girl and yet she wants it MORE than she did when a baby.

NCSS is a well thumbed read in this house. A lovely book, but didn't touch the sides really but at least made me feel better about co-sleeping and demand feeding.

Conflicted is the right word! I am proud to get this far as I've not always found it easy and friends and family have raised their eyebrows. But my DD has thrived and is happy and doing great.

My ds1 is 4.7yo now and night weaning was fairly quick and easy when he was ready for it. I had a couple of attempts when he was 2 ish and although he seemed to accept it ok (well, not ok for first couple of nights, but ok after that) it really had a knock on effect on his behaviour during the daytime. I wasn't prepared to deal with this awful behaviour when I knew that going back to night feeding would sort it, so we went back to night feeding.

I guess, based on my experience, that if you tried it and she seemed fine, then it could just be a habit that she's got herself into. But if you noticed any shift in behaviour then it could be that she still needs it at an emotional level. It's not really about the milk any more at this age.

You know her best.

Hi Doris
You might find night weaning is 'enough' to make you feel less hormonal and start your periods again, and then you may feel differently from hanging on to one or two feeds.

I know how you feel about being more 'firm'- currently being more firm with DS trying to night wean (he is 19m) and at times I feel I have done an immense U-turn on my attatchmenty style parenting of before. But I just couldn't continue with 6+ wakings per night in our bed.

As your DD is conversant you may be able to explain/reason with her a bit more?

DS was weaned at 23mo. We had gradually stopped all day feeds in the previous couple of months (he was only having one prior to his nap at that stage anyway and an occasional wake-up pre-breakfast one) and were down to go-to-sleep feeds and between 1 and 3 in the night. Eventually, it was getting a bit less 'comfy' for both of us so one night I just said "No milk" - he whined for about 20 mins, asked 3x and was told no each time; the next night he whined for about 10mins, asked 2x; the next night he asked once, was told no, no whining, just went to sleep and that was it done.

But - he was ready to stop. No trauma here.

Should have read, 'you may feel differently about hanging on to one or two feeds'