Please help me to feel good about giving up breastfeeding

[somethinganything]

DD2 is self-weaning. I've posted here before but basically I had to give her top-ups on docs advice because despite feeding 24/7 she was losing far too much weight. Have always had trouble with milk supply despite doing all the usual stuff to increase it. Anyway, at 3MO, DD2 no longer wants to breastfeed - she screams every time I try to put her on the breast.

I feel really sad about it and just want to be reminded of other ways that I can bond with her. At the moment it feels like I've lost the only thing that differentiates me as her mother - everything else could, theoretically be done by other people.

Any positive stories from people who've had to/or decided to give up breastfeeding would be really appreciated.

Thanks

ah big non nm hug... bfing doest ust make you her mum you know dd will know you and you know all her little quirks and foibles.
feeding your baby is v important but in the schee of her whole life with you it is very small window of time.
just make sure you give her her b ottle and lots and lots of hugs and kisses.
and yes lots of things can be done by other people but there are times when only her mum can settle her, whethr bf or not. xx

sorry for mistypes

thanks hotbot - am just taking it all a bit personally

somethinganything, I know how you feel. I couldn't even get started with my DS as he didn't have the strength so I felt like such a failure - like the only thing that made me unique was feeding him. But, as hotbot says, its a small part of her life and she won't hold it against you - you have done everything you can and you are NOT failing her.

Have you tried expressing and then feeding - then you're still giving her your good stuff?

As for bonding - have lots of cuddles. Make sure you make the most of those moments when she sees you and smiles because its you and not anyone else. Have a special thing just for her - we had a song that I sang every bed time and even now (at nearly 4) he still asks for it and will be quiet while I sing it.

Bf is not the only thing that makes you her mum

bf will end for everyone at some point

mothering is forever

be kind to yourself

Babies do not self wean at 3 months - there is something else going on. If you want to stop bf, fine, but I don't get the impression from your OP you do.
Is she losing or just not gaining the 'right' amount of weight? What have you done to increase supply? How often are/were you feeding her? What help have you had?

ah chibi , that is so lovely and so true.

Agree with everyone else that if you do stop, babies this age need their mums - bf or ff!! There is no way you could be replaced - she won't allow it (until about a year, when IME she'll become a total daddy's girl )

im with stealth
what do you mean she is weaning at 3 months?
when she is hungry, she will feed, assuming there are no other problems.
what will you do if she weans from the bottle then?

Thanks so much for your messages - really appreciate it. Lots of food for thought. Mercedes sorry you went through the same feelings.

Stealth maybe self-weaning is the wrong term? She was EBF for the first few 2.5 weeks, literally feeding 24/7, she wouldn't go for 5 minutes without eating, co-slept etc but she never regained any of the weight lost after birth and then started losing more. After a few trips to hospital I was told to start giving her formula top-ups. Exactly the same scenario with DD1 only she was always happy to breastfeed no matter what and we carried on happily mix-feeding until she started solids whereas DD2 cottoned on quite fast to the fact that the bottle was a lot easier and just doesn't seem to 'enjoy' breastfeeding in the same way.

Have been expressing etc to try to build up supply but with a toddler and a newborn I wasn't able to do the 6-8 times a day that was recommended. Have also tried supplements, Domperidone etc I do feel like I've had support but I just don't have an adequate milk supply. I know lots of people say this but I genuinely don't. When I express for an hour I get 20-40mls.

I know there is always more you can do (someone on MN suggested a lactation aid) but I think I've done everything I'm prepared to do. I just feel otherwise I'd be devoting a disproportionate amount of time to this compared to other aspects of parenthood. But that doesn't stop me feeling sad about it.

I'm still expressing and giving what I get to her in a bottle and very occasionally she'll feed for a few minutes but that happens less and less. I know why and I'm sure someone will come along and tell me I could/should do x,y,z but I feel I've given it my best shot and I'm just sorry it hasn't worked.

Wow that sounds hard!
I see what you mean now, and while I'm sure technically there would be a way to carry on it sounds like you have been killing yourself so far and I don't blame you for stopping.
FWIW (and huge apologies if you've already been here and done this) it sounds as though the problem is your latch. If your DD is feeding all the time and losing weight (and I agree losing weight is cause for concern, rather than not following the 50 line the HVs seem obsessed with ) then it sounds like the milk just wasn't getting transferred and so your supply has suffered...maybe?? If you haven't already and you want to, that's maybe the last thing to explore.
IKWYM about expressing, I have no idea how people do it and certainly not with an older child. I have just spent another half hour expressing, added to my hourly attempt last night I have a grand total of about 35ml!

sorry just re-read that and "don't blame you for stopping" was not how I intended it! I wasn't blaming you before, simply meaning that I'd probably be thinking along the same lines in your position.

Hi stealth - no, didn't come across that way at all

I don't know re the latch - I suppose it's possible but I've spoken to so many breastfeeding counsellors etc and they all seemed to think she was latching on well. Also with DD1 we were in transitional care for about a week trying to establish BF and I think they'd have picked it up then?

Anyway, appreciate you taking the time to post. Best of luck with the expressing, it sucks doesn't it?! Still, it's enabled me to get a few more antibodies into DD so it's been worth it.

Just logging off now to do some expressing! Thanks again for everyone's input - will try to think positive

Something, I had exactly this with ds1. I felt awful for a long time. And now he is two and I no longer think about it. I am his mum. When he wakes up in the night and is scared, it's me he wants (even if I inwardly groan when I hear his shouts of Mummmmeeeeee). I know now that there is so much more to being a mum than breastfeeding (I knew it then too in theory but now I really know it).

The reality is you have tried your best. In fact my only regret now with ds is that I didn't move on a bit sooner. He was desperately unhappy that I continued to insist on trying to bf. I didn't have enough milk and flogged myself for 4 months to express feeds. There's no way you can do this with a toddler in tow and you should congratulate yourself on having given it your best shot despite all the problems you have encountered.

Blameit thanks so much - that really helps. Feeling a fair bit better about it today.

The NCT produce a leaflet called "Reasons to be proud". I can't find a decent download of it but here's a link to ablogwhere they've typed it all up.

I first saw it a while after I gave up breastfeeding DS at 10 weeks. I felt bad about it as I really wanted to continue for longer but it made me realise that I'd already done him a lot of good.

I worked really hard to make breastfeeding work and I couldn't but the fact that I tried everything that I knew about did help me to come to terms with it. I can see that you've tried your hardest too.

I did worry about bonding but at 2.7 DS is still a total mummy's boy! There's no question in his mind who his mummy is.

I have both breastfed and bottle fed my DCs and feel equally bonded over both scenarios - in fact as a baby bottlefeeds it can stare up lovingly into your eyes which I always found rather lovely Don't beat yourself up. As a mother of teenagers now, the whole feeding thing SO recedes into the background.....

somethinganything I totally empathise with your situation, I'm going through something similar myself only my DC2 is much younger, 2 weeks old today.

I mix fed DD to 12 weeks due to poor milk supply and gave up breastfeeding because she just didn't want to do it anymore. It was heartbreaking at the time but time is a great healer. I believe I have a fantastic bond with her and don't feel that giving up breastfeeding at 12 weeks affected this at all.

I promised myself when pregnant with DS that I wouldn't mix feed again. Too consuming with the long breastfeeds, then bottle, then expressing, then sterilising and making up formula for the next cycle ... too much with a newborn and toddler. I gave breastfeeding everything I had for the first 10 days but then due to DS weight loss and general poor health was told to give formula top ups. DS quickly caught on to the fact that bottles were much easier and became difficult to breastfeed. Based on this and my original promise to myself not to mix feed I'm moving on.

Don't get me wrong I hate it and wish more than anything that breastfeeding had worked for us but it just wasn't meant to be. I'm still very emotional about it, those lovely hormones surging still but I know that it's the right decision in the circumstances for me and my family.

Just remember it's OK to grieve about stopping breastfeeding before you're ready but also don't forget to enjoy your gorgeous children. We won't get these days back again and I know I want my memories to be filled with smiles and happiness not guilt and tears.

Sending you lots of love. xx

crazy couple of days and not been able to get online. Made the decision to stop expressing next week - she won't breastfeed anyway (1 min on the right boob if I'm lucky) and i can no longer be arsed to spend 1hr hooked up to a breast pump every night to feed her 30mls from a bottle. And I'm just finding it so depressing trying to put her on the boob at each feed knowing it's not going to work. So still feeling rather sad about the whole thing so it was incredibly nice it was to come online and see the last few messages - thanks to you all for the support and kind words.

millingtonsmummy - can't thank you enough for your lovely post. Made me cry but also made a lot of sense and is hugely helpful. DD is happy and thriving and although I'd love it to have been different I have given it my best shot. Very good luck to you going forwards Xx

somethinganything now I'm welling up ... bloody hormones! Be proud that she's had the breast milk & amazing experience of being fed by her mummy for as long as you have. They'll always be our very special munchkins however we fill their tummies. Happy, healthy babies & mummies is the most important thing. xx