Weaning a toddler gradually off the boob

[dorisbonkers]

My DD like many others' toddlers is very attached to bfeeding. She's been demand fed day and night for 19 months. And she bfeeds frequently at night (we sleep in the same bed).

I've had a few wobbles about bfeeding and sleep before but now I think I am really ready to start winding it down. It's getting me down.

She feeds more frequently than a newborn (obviously each feed isn't as long). If anything isn't quite to her satisfaction, she'll demand 'mummy, mummy I want booby now, give me booby now'. Out and about as well. She'll tantrum if she doesn't get it. Trying to distract her can be difficult.

I've fed her about 10 times today and that was me refusing a couple of attempts.

I am the only one who can get her to bed. Sometimes this is an easy process (15 mins of bfeeding lying down) but more often it's a long 1-2 process of her thrashing about like an alligator demanding 'this side of booby, mummy, no, this side'. And then getting up and running around and then repeating the process.

Needless to say my DH often ends up on his own for much of the evening, or dossing down on her mattress. I get fed up and take it out on him. I feel with my daughter it's not always JUST about comfort, but about asserting her influence. So it can really wind me up if we're out and she's decided she wants to bfeed in the supermarket.

Thanks for listening to that rant. I had to get it out somewhere!

So, how do I best go about weaning a very attached-to-bfeeding toddler? I lean toward the AP end of the spectrum so want to go gently.

I feel that I could have given up at 12 months but carried on as we loved it so much. But now I feel as if I've signed up to a contract I can't get out of until she self weans.

I haven't had a period and have a condition called Ashermans. I'd like to try for another baby but if there is a problem with recurring Asherman's I need my period back so I can proceed with treatment.

Oh, should add. My husband looks after my daughter for three days a week and she goes fine without it then. That's why I didn't wean at 14 months when I went to work -- bascially didn't want too much to change for her then.

Thanks. I do love feeding her, but deep down I'm getting fed up with this.

HI Doris,
This brings back memories and not all good ones! You must be shattered!
Have you tried the 'you're a big girl now' approach? I guess she has a cup that she uses when DH looks after her, so you could start with that and say something along the lines of oh my dd is such a big girl when she uses her cup and doesn't have a booby. and make sure that she can still have a cuddle when she uses a cup. If you try and phase out daytimes first then work on night times. If you can get her ready for bed and then DH could come and read a story and sing a lullaby and then you could sit with her stroking her hair for a while before laying down with her.
I must admit i didn't go quite as gently as this and it still took a while. i would invest in some sturdy bras and tops that can't be pulled down easily too!
There's a lot of steps missing there, but if you can start to break the routine one bit at a time and start new routines to replace the old ones you should get somewhere - if that makes sense!
Good luck!

Oh my god doris....I had to check your details to see if I hadn't written this under your name by accident

We are in pretty much exactly the same situation (the only difference being DP does bedtime problem free every night).

I am really beginning to get down about it. My nipples are permanently sore and I feel really drained.

You have my utmost sympathy

Nuggets Your advice is great. DD has a cup with milk in on offer all the time but just prefers my breasts.

I've tried the 'big girl' approach but she doesn't seem to understand .

I try to distract her but she just physically climbs on me and pulls at my clothes and freaks out if I try to refuse.

I feel terrible denying her something she has had on demand every day for 19 months but I'm beginning to think self-weaning is a myth and she'll still be bf'ing at 4

I had the same issue with my DD, although perhaps she wasn't as regular a feeder as described above!

What finally did it for us was the 'big girl' thing, and also me telling her that my boobs hurt and I couldn't do it anymore. It was funny, I was sort of thinking out loud with her but to my utter amazement she did actually take notice and her requests were easier to deal with after that.

I would also suggest that your DH puts her to bed every night for the forseeable. You could even go out for a walk while he does this if you need to...( my DD would never fall for me hiding in the house somewhere). When she's got used to the new arrangement, she might go down easier for you too, without a BF.

Have you seen Elizabeth Pantley's book about baby sleep? She is into AP, and she writes about her own experience of cosleeping and having a toddler feeding every hour through the night. She has some really good advice!

PS don't feel guilty about telling her she can't BF as much anymore. I know boobs are a sensitive (!) area, but if it's not boobs, it will be something else. I am sure you're right that it's as much about your DD asserting herself as anything else.

Good luck!

Thanks. I think basically having read around I get the impression that you can wean before 18 months fairly easily. But that they often go well into toddlerhood -- sometimes.

My first boyfriend was fed until 5 (Russian, fairly normal there) and I've heard of 7!

So I don't think I ever intended to go the whole hog. But having had such pain and tiredness and the shock of feeding 18 hours out of 24 in the early days, you then ease into an easier period where you blissfully (well most of the time) feed whenever. But when they are rambunctious toddlers, speaking and developing and testing their own powers, but obviously needing frequent comfort, it can get really hard.

They don't tell you it will be hard to stop, do they!

If I had my periods back, could feed just 1-2 times a day and NOT have to feed her to sleep multiple times a night and basically have her thrashing on my boob from 6am I could carry on.

I'll try the big girl. I'll try loosening up with TV viewing and use that to distract and I'll buy some chocolate buttons.

Wish me luck....

Hi Bunny, have you tried offering water instead of milk? it's more refreshing and a good habit for later on.
I must say you are all brave for lasting so long, i got to 18m with DD and couldn't carry on, i felt i would still be at it when she was 18 (like little Britain). If you decide how you are going to go about it and then be strong and stick to it. don't change your mind because you are tired (and that's the really hard part) I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel!

Sorry, I should explain having read back that I wasn't casting aspersions on feeding til 5, or even 7. It was more a case of 'if I'm fed up at 19 months, can you imagine 5 more years.'

I have made a rod for my back! Joking aside, in a way I have. She was a small early baby and I had anxiety about her weight when she was a very small baby. So basically I spent six months doing babymooning -- so she's been used to my responding with boob at the drop of a hat.

That said, she transitioned to being looked after by DH extremely well. In some ways he has an easier relationship. Very close, he's always been part-time since she was born, but he gets more sleep when he's here and doesn't have the feeding tussles.

Still, I'm glad I did it. She seems very happy and is thriving and confident and very healthy so far.

I am in the very same situation with my 18 month old dd2.

She wants to feed all day, I feed her to sleep at bedtime and she wakes several times a night to feed.

It is very difficult to say no to her although I can distract her sometimes.

I spoke to a very helpful breastfeeding counsellor last week and have decided to do the following:

Stop fighting her on the feeds. Invite her to feed when it suits me.

Always feed her in the same place so she associates this place with feeding.

Relax a bit about the night feeds for the moment to see if what I do in the day makes any difference.

I was all set to start this last week and then dd2 came down with a virus - she had V&D, sore ears, sore throat, high temp -- the works and I ended up feeding her non-stop for 3 days.

I was glad to be still breastfeeding then though as it gave her some comfort when she was so miserable.

So... starting my new plan tomorrow. I will let you know how it goes.

Hi Doris, I know exactly what you mean about the 6 month babymoon, though DS was a whopper (and late) he dropped a lot of weight and took ages to get back up so I fed him all the time.

He's two in two days , and I've recently started changing bedtime, so he's fed before bath etc. and it's going a lot easier than I imagined.
I'm going to have to stop sitting down if I want to discourage the daytime feeds I think, he just clambers onto my knee and pulls my top up.

Hope you can find something that works for you.

Good luck Suile

Just something I've been mulling, and not sure I would do, even if I could get hold of it. But had a really bad night (although DH managed to settle her on one wake up, but there were about 4 further wakeups) so was thinking about things.

Could a doctor give me something to make my milk dry up, thereby making her go off it?

Or would that be totally mental and backfire and be horrible?

I'm only asking (and embarrassed to ask, actually) this because I'm at the end of my tether.

Not sure it would make any difference doris.

I recently went on the combined pill on the advice of my doctor due to frequent heavy periods.

He said it was fine to take while breastfeeding but it could make my milk dry up.

Like you I thought it might be an encouragement for dd to stop feeding but it has made no difference at all.

I found speaking to the BF counsellor very helpful.

I probably didn't explain very well in last nights post (very tired) but basically she said at this age the toddlers are very good at picking up our signals and if they feel we are not happy with the breastfeeding they might feel a bit rejected and want to feed more.

The thing to do is to try and feed more on your terms than the toddler so offering when it suits you, distracting when it doesn't, feeding in one chair only so every time you sit is not a cue to feed.

And I think we should remind ourselves we have done an excellent job feeding to this age.

A big pat on the back from me to doris. Well done.

sigh, thanks suiledonne.

It's crazy. You get all this pressure, advice, help, support (usually....) to breastfeed up until 1 year and then if feels as if everyone you know who was also doing it has given up, that your family think you're bananas and a hippie, that you can't do it in public without people staring at you.

I feel a bit adrift. But I'm glad (well, not glad you're in the same boat) that others know what I'm talking about.

It's hard to know how to make that shift from baby-led to parent-led. I suppose I've been in denial that that moment has to come, and that it will result in tears and power struggles.

Could I try a breastfeeding counsellor? Where would be best? I had her in Singapore so don't know the lie of the land here.

One thing she does which IS irritating. Well two things.

She constantly wants to switch sides (a pain in the arse if I absolutely HAVE to feed her out and about). "I want this side, no, this side" and will throw a paddy if I refuse -- which makes me think it is about asserting herself.

And she ferrets around in the other bra cup, squeezing, kneading and pinching. I think that drives me nuts more than the feeding. I hold her arm down but it's hard to fall asleep consciously holding her arm. My skin on my chest is fried! And of course, it goes without saying that DH isn't allowed anywhere near them. I don't feel like sex at all in general.

Bit of a problem if I'm TTC!

Doris - You have my sympathies.

Can you tackle one thing at a time? If you first tackle the pinching and switching offer her a side and say this is it if she demandeds a switch explain this is the only one for now. If she is anything like my DD then she will have a pretty good understanding of things at this stage. If she pinches the otherside then unlatch her and tell her no more you hurt Mummy. Then move on to the other things - you may find that once the switching stops bedtimes will be shorter and she won't feel the need to demand constant feeding as she is no longer in control.

Hope it goes well.

Well I am in Ireland. I contacted La Leche League and got the phone number of a lovely woman. She has loads of experience feeding her own 4 children and it was really helpful to talk to someone who has been through it.

I don't know anyone in real life who has breastfed a toddler so I was feeling very isolated with my problems.

I know people may stare a bit or be when feeding out and about but I have decided just to get on with it if needs be.

I have started feeding dd in public again recently and had no negative comments at all.

My family think I am a bit mad to still be feeding her but hey ho different strokes as they say.

The worst thing I find is that when I was very tired and fed up no-one has any sympathy as they think I have made a rod for my own back.

"The worst thing I find is that when I was very tired and fed up no-one has any sympathy as they think I have made a rod for my own back."

Oh yes, I hear you. I think this is why SOME people find bed-sharers or extended feeders or APers vaguely irritating. It's because they've had to basically present a front to the world that everything is blissful, serene and gentle because if they dare to have a whinge people are down on them like a tonne of bricks.

Just my theory

Can I just ask one more thing?

I plan over the next month to really cut back on day time feeds. I won't attempt nightweaning yet.

As it is, I work three days a week so she goes from 8-10 hours without a daytime feed anyway. I'll just stick to that when I'm with her.

But how much tantrumming do you think is acceptable and when should I cave.

As you can tell, I'm as soft as butter and a real 'caver'. It doesn't help I'll read something on La Leche League saying to stop the weaning process if your child is 'sad'. Well, of course she's going be a bit put out and unhappy with the situation, isn't she.

Argh

Without wanting to sound mean, then you shouldn't cave at all otherwise your DD will learn that if she has a paddy she gets her own way. then you have two problems paddies and weaning all at the same time.
I can relate to the pinching as well - i have a raised mole on my arm and another on my neck which got pinched while DD was feeding. I've stopped the feeding but i can still get a pinch on my moles when she's tired or upset.

But if she is unhappy because she has fallen over or otherwise then give her a boob!

Hope this helps!

Thanks Nuggets, yes, I was thinking surely you have to be consistent, loving and affectionate and offer alternatives blah blah, but not basically say no, then after 10 mins of screeching, give in in a bad mood.

Like I say, I made the mistake of reading some AP site which said stop the weaning process if they tantrum. Well, I need to wean in the next three months (that's the time I've given myself in my head) and it's bound to cause some upset.

doris How are you getting on?

Yesterday I fed dd once in the morning and then I popped out to the supermarket early before DH went to work. And after I came back I didn't feed again for the whole day until bedtime.

DD was really delighted to feed at bedtime and slept much better until the early hours of the morning when she woke a few times.

The only thing different?

Well normally I wear comfortable sloppy old clothes around the house. Because I am feeding dd so much during the day I rarely wear a bra in the house because I have no comfortable nursing ones left. When I went out yesterday morning I put on an underwired bra and a not very accessible top and I didn't change when I came home. Not deliberate or anything, just the way it worked out.

When dd came looking for a feed I just said wait a minute while I fix my clothes and she was obviously not that interested and just wandered off happily doing something else.

I am going to try this again today and see how it goes.