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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

What is a 'natural' age gap when long term breastfeeding?

23 replies

Again · 29/04/2010 11:01

I am pregnant and due when ds is 3 and a half. I have had comments to the effect that a closer age gap would be more natural, because if you are not using contraception you would become pregnant earlier.

I wasn't using contraception, but I was breastfeeding and my periods didn't return until ds was 2. Then I had a miscarraige and now I'm pregnant again. So ds1 will be nearly 3 and a half when the next is born.

I'd like to be able to point to something historical or anthropological as evidence that it is perfectly natural to have this age gap....maybe it's persuade myself...

OP posts:

belgo · 29/04/2010 11:08

If you read the Politics of Breastfeeding, the author writes a lot about natural age gaps and it is about four or five years in some societies were bfing is the norm, and adults are not over fed.

belgo · 29/04/2010 11:10

I also have a similar gap to you - three years between dd1 and ds because it took a while for me to have my periods back while bfing and then I miscarried twice. So to me three years was the earliest possible gap.

Having said that, there is only 18 months between my first two children, despite becoming pregnant while still bfing on demand.

Bumbleconfusus · 29/04/2010 11:13

Who said this to you and why does it bother you? You know the truth, why should you have to find evidence of what a natural age gap is? It was natural and thats all there is to it.

Original poster

Again · 29/04/2010 11:25

Friends with 2 babies under the age of 2. That doesn't bother me, because that's where they are coming from and then see the benefits. Then there are family members who say that my ds isn't around other children (he's in playschool 4 mornings a week), he doesn't have any brothers or sisters etc etc. Now that does bother me.

Why? Because I'm trying to do my best and sometimes worry that I've made the wrong choices and I admit it I want to reassure myself.

I do think that it would be an interesting topic to explore anyway.

OP posts:

belgo · 29/04/2010 12:32

Again - congratulations on your pregnancy.

A three year gap is actually a very nice gap, compared to the 18 months gap I had between dd1 and dd2, which was in retrospect a nightmare for the whole family..

I don't know why people would criticise you for not producing a sibling sooner - that makes me very angry especially considering you've had a miscarriage.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 29/04/2010 12:37

Loads of people tell me that 3-4 years is a wonderful age gap because the elder sibling understands a bit more and is in that golden age of wanting to help.

I got my period back at 6 months despite ebf, but I bet if I'd had two that close together people would have said it was too close. People just say things for the sake of saying them, I think. I bet those banging on about natural age gaps, etc., used contraception before their first? And probably modern medicine for illnesses? No such thing as 'natural' really.

Congratulations on #2!

Longtalljosie · 29/04/2010 14:29

Who's been making these comments? What a bizarre thing to say. What is a natural gap, anyway? It's when you choose to have another. I bet it's a family member, family say the oddest things.

Both me and DH have 3.5 year gaps between us and our respective siblings. I think it's a nice gap.

LighteningThief · 29/04/2010 14:44

in tribal african societies 4 or 5 children 4 or 5 years apart in age is fairly standard! (interestingly enough this is also true for gorillas and orangutans I think!)

Beasknees · 29/04/2010 14:47

i was going to add that the San people from Botswana usually have a 4 year gap between children (they are traditional hunter/gatherers). This enables the mother to be satrong enough for another pregnancy and the child to be big enough to manage with less carrying etc. by mum.

Original poster

Again · 29/04/2010 19:19

Thanks for the support guys. Some very interesting comments. I think I'll be getting 'Politics of Breastfeeding'. Yes Longtalljosie, it is certainly people who are close enough to affect me. In most of the cases it's people who I think are struggling with their own kids.

I was told when I mentioned that the WHO recommend breastfeeding until at least age 2 (in response to 'when are you going to stop breastfeeding' and 'breastfeeding children over the age of 18 months is disgusting'), that 'Well that's just for countries where there is no sanitation'.

OP posts:

MrsMotMot · 29/04/2010 20:01

oh yes do get Politics. It will give you tons of info and answers to daft people.

Congrats on your pg btw.

Longtalljosie · 29/04/2010 20:18

Hang on - I hadn't noticed part of the reason was a miscarriage. Do the people in question know this? If they do, they're dreadful...

IslandIsla · 30/04/2010 11:02

Again, 3 years is actually my "ideal" gap that I want to aim for!

Politics of BFing is a very enlightening book! Highly recommend.

I have two brothers, one is 2 yrs younger, the other 10 yrs younger. I get on with both very well and equally well. We all played together from when my youngest brother was very young. Yes there is a different dynamic with different age gaps, but there is no perfect age gap. There are advantages and disadvantages to any age gap!

Original poster

Again · 30/04/2010 11:59

No they don't longtalljosie, it was a very early one.

OP posts:

cheeselover · 30/04/2010 17:31

Have you read "they f''' you up" by Oliver James? If I remember right it has some interesting stuff on sibling rivalry and how he thinks a 3/4 year age gap gives more emotional security. Don't have any personal experience but interesting to read.

thegirlwithsomethingextra · 30/04/2010 17:59

Why does a 'natural age gap' matter anyway?

The best age gap is the one that suits you and your family best.

Your DS will not be affected in anyway because you have a 3.5 year gap rather than a 2 year gap. Anyone who suggests such a thing is clearly bonkers.

lovechoc · 30/04/2010 18:17

I breastfed DS until he was 7mo but didn't fall pg again until he was almost 2yo (we used zilch contraception)- this was a MMC. It took 7 months after the MMC for me to fall pg with no2, due in a few months time.

congrats on your pg, and like yourself I will have a similar age gap. It would have been nice to have had a smaller gap but I feel fortunate to have fallen pg again when I did. We don't always get what we want or expect in life. I would ignore those comments you have received from relatives, it's none of their business what age gap you have.

DS1 will be 3.2yo when DS2 arrives. I've been told it's a really great age gap from MNetters a few months ago. My eldest will be at nursery when the youngest is born, it has worked out well.

Fruitpastels · 30/04/2010 18:45

I have a 4 year age gap between both my DS'. They adore each other. It took a few months for our family to settle down when DS2 arrived as DS1 was used to being our 'No 1', but he's so proud to have a younger sibling. It's been a ideal gap for me as well. Constant BF in the early months would have been so much harder with a younger DS1 to care for. I also have some time with the baby when DS1 is at pre-school. It works really well for us. Congrats on your pregnancy

amberflower · 30/04/2010 20:23

I'd have loved a smaller age gap, but after struggling to conceive for 3 years (including 2 miscarriages) we were just hugely grateful to be able to have a second baby at all. Our gap is just over 5 years and it's lovely

For what it's worth almost everyone I know who's had a gap of 3/4 years + seems to find the whole "having 2 children" thing much much easier than they thought it would be...and enjoy their second child much more in that first year, too. Those with a gap of two years or less seem to be on their knees with exhaustion and finding it all incredibly tough. Huge generalisation obviously but I reckon a slightly bigger age gap is no bad thing, OP.

IsItMeOr · 30/04/2010 21:48

Congratulations on your pregnancy .

There are some really interesting posts on here. Have learnt some things!

OP - it sounds to me as if you are understandably sad about losing your earlier pg, and that may be what is letting these thoughtless remarks get to you. And when I say thoughtless, I mean literally without thought - they sound like the sort of things that people come out with when their mouths keep flapping even though they really have nothing to say.

It sounds like it is a good gap for your family and many others. Lots of luck to you all.

chiccadee · 30/04/2010 22:00

Congratulations!

A psychologist friend told me at the weekend that a 4 year gap is ideal for children from a psychological point of view. Not sure why exactly but possibly something to do with you having the time to give the second one the attention it needs?

Sonilaa · 01/05/2010 08:16

I read somewhere that the ideal gap is 3 years as mothers body is only fully recovered from pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding after about 2 years. add to this ttc and you have about 3 years.
on the plus side, with this gap the older is able to understand more does not need to be carried, can look after hin/herself a little...

Babieseverywhere · 01/05/2010 22:24

I have read Politics of breastfeeding, fantastic book. I am wondering why the more usually trend for age gaps in England in the last couple of centuries in the 1800 and earlier was 2 years.

If you are looking up ancestors (family history) and looking for children, they are nearly always in 2 yearly intervals. Assuming the children survived early childhood, as miscarriages and deaths in early childhood, alter the gaps.

Despite continuously breastfeeding for the past 3.9 years. I have an period after 17 months of no periods and then a pregnancy. DC1 and DC2 have a gap of two years and if DC3 arrives on time, there will be another 2 year gap between DC2 and DC3.

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