my fault but its making me depressed

[currycrazy]

This is really really getting me down so i would appreciate it if people didnt make nasty comments.

I have 2 DCs. I had DC1 when i was 20 in Spain.I didnt want to BF and just the thought of it made me feel uncomfortable.This along with a foreign country,An anti BF MIL and even a mother who BF 4 children yet chose to FF her 5th and told me FF was better.
So i didnt try and felt fine about the whole thing

DC2....came along last Dec.I felt differently this time.I felt like i at least wanted to try.I bought nursing bras,took a book out from the library called bestfeeding.I had good intentions.
DC2 was born after induced labour and the MW latched her on for me....she happily fed away.Went up to the ward and dumped in a room on my own.I kept trying to latch DD on but she was just screaming and fussing.I was getting myself worked up into a panic......Why wasnt it working.I think in my mind i was still unsure.I asked for a bottle and it was given.I remember thinking about expressing but didnt think being in hospital there would be the facilities...i didnt know how it worked or anything.

I was so naive and it is only recently i did my research..i know i know this all sounds like pathetic excuses but its not.I saw FF as the norm and that was that .i just wish i could turn back time and try with both.that has been taken away from me and it is MY FAULT.I feel like i cant look at my children without thinking i have failed them.
My LO has a chest infection and i just want it all to go away...this heavy ache in my heart that it is all my doing.

I have lost no weight since the birth and i feel like this is just a small punishment for me that i am going to make no effort to lose it as i deserve everything i get.
I feel so depressed about it all.
I cant cope with the threads that my kids are now going to get cancer....

I just feel so so down that this is something i cannot go back and change or make better.

As silly as it sounds i completely support FF so i dont want to offend anyone who FFs.

I feel sorry for people who for whatever reason cant BF...They feel guilty but i feel this isnt justfied as if i couldnt i would not feel how i do as i know it couldntve been helped.but this couldve......

I will just blame myself at every illness,if they do badly at school.

i know lots of people will judge me for this and to be honest i dont blame you

Just think of all the other reasons people don't BF
inverted nipples, wrong shaped boobs (trust me this is common) too greedy babies, not greedy enough babies.
There is so much goodness packed into formula these days. I know it won't make you feel instantly better, but you may have had one of these reasons and it really won't harm the little ones.
Cheer up! Its so sunny today (well it is down south, hope its not pouring where you are!)

None of what you say sounds like excuses or pathetic. I can't remember what I thought about bf and ff before children but I didn't know much. I hope I figured out that as mammals we could breastfeed, but I know I saw SMA in the supermarkets and thought it was mashed potato .
You were let down in the hospital the second time BTW.
None of this is your fault. You areen;t being punished, you don;t deserve to be. I am so sorry you want to turn bak the clock and do things differently.
I think you need to talk to someone - a breastfeeding counsellor, or your HV about your feelings. They're your feelings and worth working through. Otherwise, yes, you will blame yourself for everything that doesn't go quite right in your children's lives, instead of realising that you are the reason they are doing well.
Please see someone - you sound depressed - it might be PND. The sooner you take action the sooner you'll feel better. You can't turn back the clock but this is something you can do.

Ooh, step away from the guilt right now!

My mother still wrings her hands about not breast feeding us all NEARLY HALF A CENTURY AGO in the case of the oldest sibling, even though she got no support and even her own mother was really unkind to her about trying. Please don't end up like my mother.

The thing is, as I remind her, we are all absolutely fine and healthy and your children will be too. Don't forget, the majority of us were and are bottle-fed(the vast majority in the 35-50 age group)and we don't look like some horrible sickly different sub-species from everyone else, do we? It's not as if you can spot the FF and BF children by looking.

Breast is best I know, but a bottle-fed baby will be fine and healthy. It's a good enough outcome, and you can't be a perfect mother, only a good enough one.

I know how you feel, too. I didn't manage to breast-feed my child for long and only stopped half killing myself trying when my siblings and parents and husband gave me 'permission' to do so. But I've come to terms with it, probably helped by the fact I wouldn't read one of those fundamentalist BF/FF threads if you paid me. Step away now, please!

Ooh, I meant to say....
I had terrible reflux as a baby in 1975. My mum did try to breast feed me but everything she put in, I threw up instantly.
The doctors made her FF me with what is now commonly known as infant gaviscon.
So I wasn't breast fed but my two siblings were.
I have actually been the healthiest of all three of us!!! My sister was allergic to everything as a child and my brother had whooping cough, whilst I was never ill and had a 100% attendance record at school!!!!
I am very clever (!) I earn the most of my three siblings and believe I have the happiest marriage as well. (thank god they don't mumsnet, tho I love them dearly)

I agree with the others, get some help! Don't' wallow. But honestly at the end of the day, breast is free, not necessarily best!

Please don't feel guilty, it's not your fault and you can't turn back the clock. I had my 2nd DD in a way to right the wrongs I made with the 1st but if we all did that we'd have 600 kids each!
BTW my 1st who was bf for 3 weeks is the cleverest in her class, v beautiful and has 100% attendance, my 3rd, 11weeks bf and counting has had thrush, 3 colds and almost constant sticky eye (bless her she's still beautiful though).
I agree with Stealth this sounds like PND, I struggled with it 1st time around - don't do what I did and suffer in silence please get help, and if possible a big hug asap! Good luck