Please help me sort my head out

[MamaLazarou]

I had lots of problems with breastfeeding, so made the difficult decision to stop after 3 weeks. My little boy is thriving on formula, but I have been feeling very sorry for myself about it. He is now 7 weeks old and I still think about it a lot.

I was just putting him down for a nap, but he was hungry and started crying. My breasts started to ache and I realised that a small amount of milk was leaking. After I'd fed the baby (FF), I hand-expressed a few drops.

I'm not sure how to feel about this. I had assumed that my milk had dried up long ago, and it seems rather a cruel twist of fate to still have milk when I have been feeling so sad about not breastfeeding. Just when I'd got rid of all my breastfeeding paraphernalia and was trying to move on.

I know it's a weird one, but does anyone out there have some reassuring words for me?

Time will make it easier as your DS will get older and change and you're mind will be active thinking about his development etc. However, that said, you still sound as though you don't feel as though you should have stopped.
What kind of probs did you have and did you get one to one help from a breast feeding helper? I think if you got the best help you could have got, then you may have still been feeding him now. If not, you may have given up when actually you didn't want to.
If you are very definite about it then that's fine but if you're still unsure as to why you gave up etc, then perhaps you need to see a BF supporter; to make you feel at ease with your decision.
One woman came to a group I helped at (I'm a peer supporter) who had stopped because her DH said the baby should be having more formula and she wasn't giving enough. Although she had stopped feeding a few weeks before, apart from the occasional feed every now and then, I explained that she could relactate. The relief on her face was immense and she went home feeling much happier.
Relactation is an option for you but if you don't want to, then don't worry. What you gave your DS in those first 3 weeks was fab and you should be proud. It's often hard to stop breastfeeding without guilt but even mums who have been feeding for over a year, still feel sad when they give that final feed; it's no different than stopping at 3 weeks or 3 yrs; the emotions you'll feel are the same - a bit like loss. It will get easier but even if you don't decide to relactate, I really suggest you chat to a bf supporter about how you feel. They will explain that you have decided what is right for you and your baby and that's the most important thing. Your baby will still love you

Oh bless you for answering - thank you so much.

Little boy has just woken up but will be back later to read your post properly and reply.

Thank you

"What kind of probs did you have and did you get one to one help from a breast feeding helper?"

My problems were are follows:

• Very large breasts with flat nipples.

• Traumatic birth which left me exhausted and shell-shocked. I did not concentrate on BFing while in hospital, as I was so desperate to get home. I had my boy at 9pm and insisted on going home at noon the next day. I bitterly regret this now, as I feel that if I had stayed in hospital for longer, I could have got more BFing support.

• Baby was born jaundiced, and was not taking enough breastmilk as he was too sleepy from the jaundice. Not enough fluids meant that the janudice was not improving. We were so worried about him that I tried him on formula, which he guzzled down, but the FF affected my milk supply.

• Baby was born with tongue-tie, which made it hard for him to latch on. He rejected my left breast completely, and his latch on the right side was incredibly painful. After 3 hours of constant suckling, he was still hungry and my nipple was 3cm long, red and pointy. Very painful. I regret not insisting that the tongue-tie was fixed on day 1.

• I had infected stitches, which limited both my mobility and my ability to sit for long periods of time. Tried feeding laying down, baby would not latch on.

• Due to the infection, I could not get out to BFing clinics and drop-ins. I should have asked for more help to get there.

I desperately wanted to breastfeed but somehow it went wrong at every turn, I am not sure how to get over this - I thought I was on the road to recovery, but now this has set me back.

Sorry to sound so pathetic - I am very thankful for my wonderful, healthy son. But I feel robbed and cheated of something that I had thought would come naturally.

You do not sound pathetic at all MamaL. It all sounds prefectly reasonable to me.
However, I think for you to move on, after everything you've just told me, I really think you would find it a massive help speaking to a birth trauma counsellor. If you're not postnatally depressed now, the feelings of guilt and failure could certainly build into pnd if not dealt with.
Swapping to ff was the right thing for you; it was so hard for you to continue bf as there were many other factors such as the flat nipples, jaundice, infected stitches etc to deal with. I don't know how you've coped!
I honestly think that the breastfeeding is only part of your recovery and unless you talk to someone about why the birth itself became traumatic, then it will hamper a full recovery. Try reading this book here It's got lots of real life stories in that are really helpful and there's a section for dads too.

Mama, I can't offer any practical help I'm afraid, I'm a new mum who has struggled with breastfeeding myself and I really feel for you.

I just wanted to say you have had a really hard time with more than your fair share of problems and you are anything but pathetic. As Lucie says, your baby still loves you! It's blinkin' hard this mummy malarky. Keep up the good work and I'm sure more wise people will be along to offer more help x

Hi MamaL so sorry that you are feeling grot

I have mentioned to you before that my first birth was traumatic. I hope some of the following is useful. This is what helped me. I was able to talk to 'Birth afterthoughts'. The hospital sent a mw to my house and talked through my notes and tried to explain what happened and why. I also did a 'Making sense of birth' workshop with DH which showed him just how screwed up I had become about birth and made him much more sympathetic to my weirdness.

With regard to the feeding, like lucie says, you could give it another go. Or at least talk to the bf counsellor and talk through your options.

I have to say that the thing that made the whole first baby thing seem so much better was having the second .

The more you get out and meet other mothers the more you will realise we are all winging it.

Happy Mothers Day!