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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

they all want me to stop

47 replies

Sella · 25/02/2010 14:25

hi all
i have a 5 week old dd who i am trying valiantly to bf. we have had a few set backs, slow weight gain, over dramatic midwives, formula top ups (that we are now trying to reduce) and finally 2 bouts of thrush! despite all this i still very much want to carry on but all my family clearly don't.
my husband likened breast milk to wee with my last daughter and was thrilled when i started topping this one up, now keeps saying 'i thought you were going to stop'. i rang my mum yesterday to have a bit of a moan about how grumpy dd was at that precise moment (as you do) to be told 'oh put her on the bottle'. i nearly burst into tears because i'd had a really crap night and am clearly doing my obsolut best to NOT put her on the bottle.
i feel like i have to justify myself to them all the time and god forbid i should have a bit of a moan about how hard/painful/emotionally draining it can be. they can't understand why i would want to do it.
not expecting much advice on this just want to moan without the raised eyebrows and tuts...!

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Lucyellensmumma · 26/02/2010 09:40

If you are stressed about BF, i can sort of understand why your DH is thinking why don't you stop - men are so cut and dry, BF can be difficult at times, FF is easy - no brainer! But of course its not as simple as that.

I had a terrible time BF, my DP didn't really get it but didnt dare suggest i stop. My mother on the other hand, and one of the HV - i just ignored them.

What i did have to do though was top up with FF, i just would have had no sleep if i didn't. I was on a no fat diet due to gallstones and it affected my milk im sure. That worked really well for us - i would carry on doing what you are doing, but find some peace with using formula as a top up if thats what you need to do - and make your DH do it!

Lucyellensmumma · 26/02/2010 09:42

FWIW my DD is hardly ever ill and i firmly believe it is because i BF and that topping up wont make a jot of difference to the immunity that she is getting from you - you are doing a brilliant job and your DD is very lucky.

Sella · 26/02/2010 13:32

my mum is round at the minute and after feeding dd she was still really grumpy, rather than switching her over again like i normally would if mum wasn't there i handed her over for a cuddle hoping that would calm her down, after about 10 mins of screaming i relented and got a top up of formula. i could hear my mum in the other room saying 'oh is your bot bot coming!' then had to endure endless comments after about how she had wolfed it down and how much better she was now she was full. I feel humiliated and useless.

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tiktok · 26/02/2010 13:39

Sella

I don't understand....why would you not just respond to her grumpiness by putting her on the breast again? All that had happened was your dd was not finished, and needed some more.

It's just like asking for a second helping at lunch - if you had some soup you liked and enjoyed, and maybe you were still hungry after finishing a bowl of it, and there was more in the pan, you'd just go and get some more. You wouldn't start preparing a lamb chop

Your baby was upset and screamed for 10 mins. She wanted you. Maybe some of your sadness comes not directly from your mum's (stupid and undermining) commentary, but from your normal, loving reaction to your baby, which you were unable to act upon, despite wanting to. You felt unable to put your tiny baby's needs in front of your grown-up mother's daft prejudices, and that's left you with a bad feeling.

Next time, you'll be stronger! If your mum doesn't like it, she can lump it

nickelbabe · 26/02/2010 13:40

at your mum

I think, though, that you should have explained to your mum that you were handing her over for a cuddle and if it didn't calm dd down that you would continue to feed her.
please don't feel humiliated and useless though, it will take time before you're comfortable telling your mum what you need.

you really do need to get your DH on side.

keep at it.

Lucyellensmumma · 26/02/2010 16:47

You are NOT useless - your mother is a cow - sorry, but she is

Don't be bullied into stopping, do what you feel is right for you. Have a baby day - that means you do NOTHING but cuddle and feed her, all day, you don't even have to get out of bed - just relax and see how it goes, Now you have worked yourself into a state about things its only going to make things more difficult for you.

You have done amazingly well to BF for this long - stick with it, do NOT be influenced by anyone else, only YOU know what is best for your child. If you need to top up, you need to top up - but that isn't harming your child.

Try and relax and have a lovely weekend - tell your DH in no uncertain terms what you plan to do and that you expect 100% support and no underhand comments.

givecarrotsachance · 26/02/2010 18:15

sella I'm so sorry to hear about the total lack of support you're getting.

You knew what to do - put her back on the breast - and if your mother wasn't happy with this, tough. This is YOUR baby and YOUR feeding choice.

Are you switching breasts too soon? Sorry if you know all this, but if you take them off one breast too soon they may not get enough of the hindmilk (richer, creamier, more filling milk) so you may need to leave her on one breast for longer.

Have you spoken to an NCT breastfeeding counsellor? They can really help with this stuff. Call 0300 330 0771.

Sella · 26/02/2010 18:48

thanks givecarrotsachance, i am having massive problems with dds latch, it's not awful but there is room for improvement. had bf councilor round today, but she couldn't really help much - it seems dd just doesn't want to open her mouth wide enough so she gets the let down but won't suck much after that until another let down happens, that means sometimes she'll go to sleep and others she'll get grumpy. i've been advised to keep switching but sometimes i do it all afternoon and still have a grumpy baby plus v sore drained boobs! just wish i could fill her up myself, leave her satisfied and go at least an hour without thinking about the next feed!
i went to see la leche councilor last week but dd slept through the whole thing and wouldn't wake up! unfortunately she is away this weekend so may try nct - do you need to be a member coz i'm not so would i have to pay?

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tiktok · 26/02/2010 19:12

NCT bf line is free, open 8 am to 10 pm every day, and no need to be a member

www.nct.org.uk/home for number.

NonnoMum · 26/02/2010 21:14

Poor you. Can you hide the bottles?

WingedVictory · 26/02/2010 21:49

Right. This is ridiculous. I don't want to come across as a "breast-feeding Nazi" (see the story at the end of this post for my rebuttal), but it is good for both of you. It is the best for both of you, although as I say below, I hate the guilt that some mothers experience when they can't bf; such guilt is so useless!

If you want to be very balanced about it, look at it this way. Being a mother is performing a complex role. Feeding is one part of it, a very important part, although not at the expense of health and mental well-being. That is: if a mother goes mad because of pain of bf, or has no sleep, because she is trying for hours to feed, she would be a better mother by gaining back time and comfort by bottle feeding. So here your family are undermining not only your feeding your child, but also undermining your judgement, your wishes, you, and they're doing it at a time when you are run down and need support, not nagging. Thanks a bloody lot! (for the record, I am not bitter because of any personal history. I was totally ff, but my mother never tried to make me do the same).

And don't forget that formula feeding isn't exactly easy, either! There are endless bottles to wash and sterilise, and the all the faff of getting the formula powder in (and not all over the floor and in your hair), getting the bottle to the right temperature, making up another bottle when DC is having a growth spurt.... If you can breastfeed, once the feeding is established, it's so much easier: no bottles, no sterilising, feed to sleep, feed while asleep, always at the right temperature, little wastage (unless DC unexpectedly sleeps through, in which case you might have to express!). But you get the picture.

Again, if you can't bf, you mustn't feel guilty about it. I have a friend who carried on through endless infections, a tongue tie diagnosed late, and so on, and I was a bit stunned at the level of support she received from her family. In fact, I think she took it far too far, and was just not catching enough sleep and good health to just enjoy her baby and bond. But that's a different matter!

Sella · 27/02/2010 18:11

You aren't a breast feeding nazi! Your words of encouragement have really helped me everyone! I plucked up the courage to phone the la leche councilor who was out this morning and have been on the phone for an hour and a half to her (poor thing!) she was really helpful and has given me some tips to try and also said that what I'm doing sounds right and to just keep going. There is a meeting next week I can go to to try and sort out the latch too.
It has given me the incentive to keep going for a few more days and she made me feel like I can phone her back even if it's just so she can tell me how great I am!
Haven't seen mum since yesterday and she's taking dd2 away for the night tomorrow so she's not all bad bless her! At least it will give me time to focus on little spud in the day on Monday.
Am going to carry on with my current tactics in hope that we are experiencing a growth spurt and things will calm down in next couple of days to make things more manageable.
Does anyone have any milk increasing tips, apart from putting her on lots and fenugreek?...

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WingedVictory · 27/02/2010 22:12

Going to a meeting to sort out the latch is a good idea, as it is so hard to imagine what you are doing. Having said that (), I found the most helpful image was "hooking" the baby onto the nipple, like hanging up a coat. It was much more helpful than the tummy-to-Mummy, nose-to-nipple blah blah blah.

FWIW, I took about three weeks to get it, and then went on to feed for over a year.

Milk increasing tip: drink lots of water. Make sure, in particular to down at least half a pint before starting a feed.

Another tip: I found Kamillosan very heplful for easing nipple soreness, although other people swear by Lansinoh (which didn't do much for me), so it is worth trying different ointments. Sorry that's a bit of a pain, but at least knowing that is better than being depressed when something someone "highly recommends" turns out to be a bit meh.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend!

OhFuck · 27/02/2010 22:19

No advice, just to say I want you to do it too ... partly to stick the fingers up at your mum and DH, I admit! But mainly because you want to and you CAN

CurlyBigPants · 28/02/2010 15:32

I'm having a similar time at the moment with my three week old and am tempted to quit all the time but we are finally getting there I think

I have some suggestions that have worked well for me as follows. I also had to top up but try to do with expressed milk rather than formula as it has really helped increase my milk supply. I recommend the tommee tippee manual breast pump which I saw is on sale in mothercare today. I also do one formula feed overnight which means I get a 4 hr stretch!!!

I also found that topping up each feed was a bit of a vicious cycle as she wasn't developing the stamina to suck properly and stay latched on. Now I try and feed every 2.5 hrs during day so she never gets frantic with hunger and therefore is much more likely to stay latched on. Also I make every second or third feed a big expressed or formula feed. I've found by doing this she is now pretty satisfied on the breast.

We are still not there but she has regained her birth weight and instead of latching off and going frantic she now seems happy after I'm hoping to build up to mainly breast with the odd expressed milk or formula

oh and just discovered nipple shields today. She doesn't mind and there is no pain. I'm going to use them when it gets too ouchy to give my nips a break. Total heaven!!!

You are doing the right thing honey. Hopefully in a couple of weeks we can both look back and smile!!!

Sella · 28/02/2010 16:02

sitting here expressing whilst dh feeds dd a bottle. had quite a good weekend, this is the 1st bottle she's had since 12pm yesterday so feeling quite good about myself. hoping she will then go a couple of hours to give me a break as i've fed her most of the day!
anyway i've got bf councilor back round tomorrow and she's getting weighed so hopefully it's v good news.

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crikeybadger · 28/02/2010 16:12

Glad things are getting better Sella, keep on persevering.
We're all rooting for you ('scuse the pun!)

dorisbonkers · 28/02/2010 16:55

Can I just add, I had a prem baby and I found it very hard in the beginning and freaked out about weight gain and latching. My husband bore the brunt of my anguish and even though he was very pro breastfeeding, couldn't imagine me feeding to a year and did occasionally ask if I was going to stop when I've complained about waking every sodding hour (we co-sleep) on a bad night.

Roll on 16 months and I'm feeding on demand and DH is such a supporter of it, he totally gets the relationship aspect of it and is pretty much even more ardent AP parent than I am. He looks after her three days a week and brings her to me at lunchtimes for a top up.

So attitudes can change. Just after the birth he rolled his eyes at feeding past a year, now he's a huge supporter.

Sella · 01/03/2010 12:46

have just discovered biological attachment! it's great and more importantly dd thinks it's great, hopefully this will be the turning point and she can start to feed properly! keep your fingers crossed, btw told mum about it and she thinks its awful but bf support lady watched us doing it this morning and thinks it's so great she wants us to star in a training video! shall i?!!!!

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WingedVictory · 01/03/2010 13:37

What's biological attachment?

dorisbonkers · 01/03/2010 14:27

Isn't it biological nurturing. S'what I do really. Self latching, lying around all day feeding on an off, relaxed positions Co-sleeping with boob out all night kind of affair. Am I right?

Google Suzanne Colson and you get some stuff

Definitely self latching worked for me in the early days. All the nurses in Singapore would do the dive bomb latch and it sent me potty and very very anxious I wasn't getting enough in.

Sella · 02/03/2010 08:17

yes its self latching, i was told to strip me and baby off lie back at about 45 degree angle place her face down on my chest and she did the rest. it can take a bit of time and quite hard not to intervene but she got there in the end and latch was much better. don't try when they are screaming though need to be calm.

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