Has breastfeeding stolen my mojo?

[herbaceous]

Hi all

I'm partially breastfeeding my 7mo, and am thinking of winding it down, partly because I'm pretty sure it's ruining my libido.

I know the hormones can mean a certain 'lack of moisture', but can they also mean a total lack of desire too? It's not that I don't fancy my partner, I just don't fancy sex, at all, with anyone. If George Clooney and Jake Gyllenhaal were offering me a threesome, I'd say no ta and have a cup of tea.

It might be partly because DS is still in the same room as us, but I find sexual contact - particularly regarding the boobs - at best ridiculous and at worst actively unpleasant.

Any advice?

[MrsMcJnr]

Hey Herby same situation here exactly - the thought just leaves me cold. I am also getting very little sleep thanks to my 8m old so that doesn't help. I was at an Ann Summers party the other night and felt so uninterested in it all

[dorisbonkers]

I think it does. I co-sleep with my 15 month old daughter half want to try for another child but I can't face sex. I do have sex occasionally (I get a bit pissed first and grab him) but deep down I can take or leave it. And definitely no boobs.

But I think I can carry on for a bit longer as neither of us seems to want to stop b/feeding. And luckily my husband isn't chewing the carpet (maybe he's chewing someone else's .

I think it's hormones, tiredness and touch overload and all sorts of deep seated feelings of life change and responsibility and tension preventing you getting in the mood.

[Flightattendant]

I kind of lost any interest in anything much until my periods came back.

Now just the thought of George C and Jakey boy has me very flustered

[mistletoekisses]

Bfeeding totally steals my mojo! It killed it cold with DS1 and am finding the same with DS2.

When I stopped bfeeding DS1 at 5 1/2 months, my libido came rushing back within a few weeks! It was such a relief to be honest, I thought it had gone forever!

[herbaceous]

It's also, I think, as if I get as much intimacy as I want from DS, and don't need, or want, any more touching. Almost like I'm in love with DS, which sounds weird, I know...

mistletoe I'm glad it does come back. It's quite strange being a non-sexual being. I wasn't exactly a goer beforehand, but to have absolutely no feelings of 'phwoar' is not much fun.

MrsMcJnr - I remember you from a 'ttc after miscarriage' thread a few years go. I went on to have a couple more miscarriages after you conceived, but as you can see I eventually succeeded, at 43!

[dorisbonkers]

It's the touch overload mainly, I agree. I love, admire and feel very close to my husband (well, most of the time and if I've had more than 3-5 hours sleep) but I don't want to be touched very much by him. A hug and a peck is fine, a hug of more than a few seconds gets my spider senses going.

[herbaceous]

And there's that awful thing, when you're heart sinks as you realise the nice hug is going to turn into more, and you can't say no but you feel guilty for even hoping the phone will ring, or the baby will cry...

[Tigerlily1]

we have a ds1 aged 3 and a 12wk old ds2 - my dp is DESPERATE for some action!! i am ebf ds2 and he is knackering me out but at the same time, like you say, i have no desire for dp to touch me. we tried it the other night but i was saved by the baby at the last minute! i couldn't stand him touching my boobs, its like theyre not for that any more and it makes me flinch. good to hear i may one day feel sexy again but i don't think it'll be any time while bf. Mojo definitely been nicked here!

[Poledra]

Bfeeding definitely stole mine - but I have 3 DDs, so it obviously came back. Have now finished feeding DD3, no more babies planned and mojo comfortably back in residence. Perhaps not as much as pre-children, down to lack of opportunities and lack of sleep, but most definitely back.

[dorisbonkers]

I did worry about it a few months back. Simply because you feel society's pressures. You know, the stuff from your mum about 'needing more time for yourself', stuff in the press about 'getting back to normal (ie having lots of sex) comments from friends, or even their pregnancies quick after their previous babies.

It can all make you feel abnormal that you don't want to have a full on session when the dust has settled. I'm sure for many people the dust settles a few months, if not a few weeks in some cases, after the birth. But for some, and I'd hazard a fair few exclusive breastfeeders beyond a year, it doesn't settle for a good while. I'm 15 months in and haven't had a period. I don't plan on feeding forever and have 2 years in my head as a winding down point so I know I won't feel like this forever.

My main job right now is my baby. It has been completely life-altering, mind-bending, body reshaping and psyche-splitting. I don;t need other pressures making me feel I'm not being a kind wife.

If my husband were to get narky about it instead of taking matters into his ahem own hands if need be then he'd be crucified. Luckily he's got more sense and he understands the issues and doesn't take it personally. And is proud of the job I'm doing .

I SO hear you about being 'saved by the baby....'

[GoldenSnitch]

The phrase that always runs through my head is "what a waste of good sleeping time" but then my new DD is only 7 weeks old.

The long winded version goes..."I've been up since the early hours with a jealous almost three year old who's decided he's not interested in using the loo anymore (wetting and messing himself much more fun!) and an ebf 7 week old who I'm thinking of renaming "Roo" cause she's not happy unless clinging to me - yes they're both asleep at once for once but I want to use this opportunity to sleep, not get your* rocks off!!"

*his, not mine cause contraception at the moment is condoms - until I finally decide what I want to use till DH has the snip - and they make me sore

Rant over, thank you for reading

[herbaceous]

Oh yes, it makes me sore too. Doesn't help. I've been kind of going along with it, in the hope that if my body goes through the motions, my mind will at some stage join in, and I don't want to upset DP. We didn't do it much when I was pregnant, or for the first few months after DS was born, when I absolutely could not stand the idea, so I'm feeling super-guilty.

[Beveridge]

i don't think it's bf to blame for the fact that i haven't felt much like it since dd was born(she's now 8 months!!). i suspect i'd be exactly the same if i was ff.

for me it's been all about thinking it was pointless even trying to get in the mood as dd was bound to wake up in the middle of it all and i was still pretty traumatised by forceps and stitching and scared it would hurt. plus of course, i'm too blooming knackered!

batting average when dd is on the odd overnight at the grandparents is statistically good though - i attribute it largely to lots of wine and peace and quiet!

[dorisbonkers]

I think breastfeeding and the hormones that stop your periods may have something to do with it. I think it's another major factor in loss of drive. That's not to say bottle feeders are at it like rabbits either.

FWIW I had a planned section and no fanjita trauma and yet still 15 months on no period and no drive.

But I think it's a complex interplay of all sorts of things. I also think having gone through pregnancy and birth and the early months can make you feel differently about your partner. You have to readjust to a new relationship with him as much as with your child and sometimes it can take time to get your head around sex with that person.

Does that make sense?

[cece]

Hey herb,

I have the same problem. I just assumed it was the bf. From experience I find it comes back once the bf stops.

[MrsMcJnr]

That's a really good point about getting intimacy from your child. I know I am guilty of that. Pre kids I couldn't stand DH being in a huff with me and would always cave in now I let him stew and satisfy my need for love and cuddles from the kids I am sure a marriage counsellor would tell me that I am on the way to ruin.

Herby - many congrats hon I should have said that earlier I do of course remember you from those sad old days that's why I posted for you

[herbaceous]

Thanks Mrs Mc!

I had an emergency c-section, so no trauma in the undercarriage. But it just doesn't feel the same.

I was hoping to keep going with the bf morning and evening, but looks like I'll have to weigh that up with the impact on marital relations.

I had vaguely hoped I might conceive again, but what with being 44, bf, and hardly ever having sex, this seems unlikely.

[duchesse]

Hi herby and MrsMc!

5 months and it's the same here. I can't really remember how long it took the last times. I think by the time the babies were down to 1 feed a day.

[jaggythistle]

Can somebody tell my H it's normal to have zero interest and feel all flinchy (pretend that's a word) when he touches me

He's not being horrible about it, but does 'joke' about it approximately 356 times a day (well it feels like it) and I feel a bit bad for him. It's only been 4 1/2 months.

I was kind of hoping it might get better by itself. As I am hoping to feed my wee S till he is at least 1 this does not bode well....

[slightlystressed]

Oh I just started a thread wondering why I had no sex drive....I hadn't thought that it could be breasfeeding....oh that makes me feel better, planning to stop at about 9 or 10 months so only another couple to go.

[deviladvocate]

Yep - wiped out mine entirely, no periods either until after feeding stopped, took over a year each after my first two, still ongoing with my third.

Poor DH, I can't even get excited by the George Clooney idea

Feeling less guilty now I know i'm not the only one avoiding sex! Phew!

[SarahScot]

Same here, DD is 12wks and ebf. I have absolutely zero sex drive, and also feel all flinchy when poor DH touches me.

[MoonFaceMamaaaaargh]

Ime i got mine back with af around nine months.

What i didn't get was more sleep, time, or a significantly better body and all of these play a part imo.

[PenguinArmy]

well af back at 10 weeks but sex at 10 months (when I promptly fell pg again). Dryness was my main issue, made me self conscious and lack of sleep. Also I found the slightest thing would turn me off, for 3 mins I would be really up for it and then nothing. Although we did a lot of stuff before that but not penetrative. She was still feeding and waking every 2hours and I went back to work ft at 4 months.

In the end I/we set aside a week of going to bed early and playing with me being able to stop at any point. After a few days we got back into. It seems I'm a lucky one who's DH has never pressured for sex.