How Do I Move On From This

[Bathsheba]

(sorry, xposted from another thread - it was only in writing it down that it struck me how much it has affected me)

3 weeks ago I was in hospital having had DD3. I was struggling to breastfeed her but I really really wanted to do it.

My MIL had visited and spent an hour with DD3 continually repeating "oh she's hungry, poor DD3, she's so hungry, poor things....are you hungry DD3..." ad infinitum

When she left I phoned my Mum to offload about how upset I was that she had done that when I was trying my best to feed her.

My Mum completely let rip at me (2 days post section, out of my face on painkillers) about how my MIL was right, she was starving, who was I doing this for, it had just become a ridiculous quest for me, I was being incredibly selfish, I was being very unfair on dd1 and dd2, I was going to harm dd3 as she was losing so much weight. She then moved on to how "all she had heard for the last 3 days" was about breastfeeding (not from me, I barely mentioned it - I suspect that possibly my Dh had been offloading on her about how much he disagreed with it)) and how I was causing her and my Dh to be stressed.

I was absolutely gutted. I was so upset I literally sat on my hospital bed for 4 hours crying my eyes out. I knew I didn't have support to bf when I got home but I thought if my milk came in and I was satisfying her hunger then maybe my Dh and my Mum would see it differently - I just needed my supply to pick up.

In the end dd3 lost so much weight they wanted to take her to special care, I needed to top her up with high calorie formula, initially from a cup but in the end from a bottle which pretty much put paid to my bf-ing her.

There is a very good chance that would have happened anyway, dd3 is after all the 3rd child that I have tried and failed to breastfeed. However to be told, in my hospital bed, by my Mum who I thought I was really close to that I was selfish and was causing everyone else to be stressed (as if I was having a walk in the park...) really really hurt me.

The issue has never really been addressed - the unsupportive people now feel they are "right" as she is now fully bottle fed and is gaining weight really well, I've never been apologised to, and everyone is carrying on as if these incidents never happened.

How awful and hurtful for you.

You were doing your absolute best for your baby, and all you got was abuse when you should have been given support. It is so hard to take when breastfeeding doesn't work out, the least the people around you could do is support you in your valiant effort.

I am so sorry you had to go through this. Would an apology from your dh and mum help you?

No wonder you feel so sad and hurt....that's just awful.

Not to mention the fact that they clearly don't understand about normal bf, and the fact that no baby loses 'too much weight' in the first 2 days, or is 'starving'. 2 days is far to early to be assessing a baby for weight issues

Maybe when you feel less raw you can address how hurt you feel with your dh, and then your mum and MIL?

It is normal to long to breastfeed a baby and normal to be upset when it goes pear-shaped. It's a form of grief. When people are grieving, no one calls them 'selfish'.

(Have you thought about trying to bf again? You may be able to)

Oh Bathsheba, this sounds like a horrible experience, I'm so sorry you have been through it. I am no expert on the breastfeeding bit, except I do know how hard it is to have to give up before you want to as this happened to me with dd1. I think you really need to talk to your mum (& dh?) & explain how you feel, otherwise you could really start to resent what happened. It sounds like you need to clear the air. You may never convince her about bfing, but she should at least be aware that you feel she let you down when you needed her support, which seems to be a seperate issue I think. I also think that you should not beat yourself up about not bfing, I used to do this over dd1 but now that I have bf dd2 I can really see that my daughters are very similar in terms of size, health, weight gain, sleep (or rather lack of) & my relationship with them. It has really helped me to put feeding into perspective, it is really not the be all and end all of parenting by any stretch of the imagination.

I'm guessing your mum and MIL both didn't breastfeed? So success on your part would have made them feel lacking (though good God, they should have got over it by now, at least enough to pretend to be supportive...)

Why on earth was your dh not backing you up?

What a horrible thing to happen at what should be a happy time! All I can say is comfort yourself that you have 3 lovely daughters, and you'll be so much better a mother yourself and never treat them like this... It may not help much at the moment .

I am so so sorry you have had such a horrible experience with the people who should have been supporting you most (I'm including your DH and MIL). It does sound as though you need to talk to your mum (at least) to get past this, or maybe write her a letter (my mum and I communicate about all the big things via letter - I also find writing them and not sending them sometimes helps).

Big big hugs!

How awful for you.

They need to know how their words made you feel.

Unfortunately my DH ahs never been supportive of me breastfeeding - when DD2 was born she was fed while we were in the hospital but again we had this "losing too much weight" hanging over us - in the end my Dh insisted on giving her formula and she gained enough weight to be allowed home. This time we were kept in 2 extra days and my DH firmly feels that he should have been lsitened to well before that in his wishes to have her ff.

The hospital were actually brilliant - they were very supportive (although I could have done with the visit from the feeding specialist before day 5, by which time she was on the high calorie milk from a bottle) and they did their best to assure me that it wasn't my "fault" etc....this was also helped by the fact that in my room there was a 2 week old who was being kept in for weight loss who had been ff from day 1 (my Dh chose to ignore this...)

I guess that the question really arises as to whose opinion matters more and when its right to stop thinking "me" and start thinking "us"..

I'm not in any way an ardent bf-er - like I say I've never managed it for mroe than 10 days with DD2, but I really would like to - I'm a brnach committee NCT member, I know the benefits, I'm surrounded by friends who do it and I really wanted to successfully feed dd3 myself..

My Dh is really anti bf-ing. Because DD1 was ff from the start he became really hands on with feeding and has hated the idea of that being taken away from him. He also has a bit of the "It was good enough for us, and for dd1, why is it not good enough now" and "Dd1 never came to any harm, in fact no-one ever said anything ever about her weight"...

Now, I'm very aware that Dd3 is OUR baby, rather than MY baby, so maybe I'm wrong to think that my wishes to bf her should have over riden my DH's wishes to have her ff...(he has Aspergers andc annot compromise, so in any 50/50 situation like this he wasn't going to back dwon anyway...)...but in this situation what is the "right"....

Bathsheba, what do you think your baby/ies would choose, if they knew all the info? I can see it must be hard to balance everyone's needs like this, but at least adults have a voice.

Just to explain - do you think your dh, mum and mil would consider this? I know asperger's means difficulties in empathising, however....

They would all think that DD would chose to be ff as that would have meant she was putting on weight and she'd have been allowed home from the hospital to her family home 2 days earlier...

I know you say your dh has aspergers, but is he always so controlling? Its not his decision whether to ff or bf, its yours, and only yours.
I think you were bullied into doing something you didn't want, by your family and the medical staff.

Sad bf did not work out - but you tried, despite lacking support from the ones close to you. On the Asperger front, I know how you feel, my husband has it too, and compromise is just "not on" - however, he never was against bf and DD is a chunker, so I am lucky here. I guess that for them, anything that is not "known and tested" in their environment is not safe.
I am a little more surprised by your mum's reaction - how insensitive, especially 2 days post cs . Maybe you could let her know you felt let down and saddened by her reaction and try to speak about it? And try to let her know why you felt so strongly about bf?
My mum is usually quite harsh in her words too, I remember her staying with us after I return from hospital (we live in Scotland, them abroad) and rabbiting on how I should put DD to sleep on her front, how not covered enough she was, how my best friend back home brings her babies up, how I ought to look up to her, and on and on and on. Felt a total failure. Then addressed the issue with her... and got called "paranoid". Ah ah. Parents.
But you will always know in your heart that you tried has hard as you could to bf your DD3, despite all circumstances and lack of support. Well done for that!

This is very tough, I know that my dh has found it more difficult to bond with dd2 than dd1 because he hasn't been able to feed her. I often think the father's bonding can be a bit overlooked in all the discussions about how bf helps the mother bond. I know there is other stuff the dad can do, but when they are at the stage where all they do is feed & poo I know which I'd rather be in charge of! Nonetheless dh takes the view that it is my body and if I want to use it to feed our baby then so be it. He definately has he doubts though, as does my mum, but mostly they keep them to themselves.

It really does seem that the problem is about managing your relatinships with your dh & mum which is so hard when you are so hormonal post birth. I do think you need to make it clear to them that what you need is support not judgement.