Friend giving food to 14-week old, what should I say?

[Heeka]

I have a good friend, with a 14-week old BIG baby, who has started to give him baby rice and other solids as she feels that due to his size he needs more than just milk. She is breastfeeding plus giving extra bottles of formula as well.

She seems almost proud that he 'needs' early food.

I don't want to interfere, but when she talks to me about doing it, rather than being non-commital as I have done until now (she has been giving food for last two weeks), I would like to gently point out why it is perhaps not to her child's benefit.

I would like be able to do this by perhaps giving her a few facts rather than hearsay, but without being either pushy or know-it-all.

She has allergies to a variety of things herself, if this is relevant.

I know I'm going to get told that I should mind my own business and leave her to it, but when she is bringing up the subject herself I don't think it's wrong to give my opinion (ie. it's too early and not clever!) but I want to do it in the right way and with the right facts.

Why not tell her that you were spending some time on MN and saw some really interesting information about early weaning and allergies and you just wanted to make sure she was aware of it then suggest she has a look at some of the threads. This makes it look a bit more casual than you have been thinking about it and have actually done research to show how wrong she it iykwim.

I think it is great that you are concerned about her sons wellbeing and hope that she takes your comments in the spirit they are intended.
Good luck

perhaps just mention that your health visitor told you that it can actually be harmful to a baby to have food before 6 months, and suggest she speak to her own HV about it. I think you have an overriding responsbility to her baby to say something to her as soon as possible (by overriding i just mean its worth her getting a bit uppity if it means the baby is safe).

Accept there is probably nothing you can do. SIL weaned dn from 13 weeks and currently has a 7 week old that she's already excited about weaning. She too sees it a sign of being 'forward'.

Presumably she knows the guidelines and is choosing to ignore them. I would perhaps try and make sure that alongside the 6 months guidelines she knows that weaning should never happen before 17 weeks due to a risk of kidney damage. But if she's made that decision you probably won't reverse it.

DN is 2 now. She has kidney and gut issues and seems to have permanent diarrhoea and tummy bugs. I wouldn't dream of saying the early weaning caused it definitely but SIL is always asking why her dn seems to suffer in the way she does and I do wonder how much of an effect the early weaning had.

Nothing, she is the child's mother and had made the decision to early wean it none of your business and could well ruin your friendship as she will feel critisised.
How would you feel if she critisised you and said I don't like how you do X, Y and X with your DC?

To put a bit of perspective on it, 9 yrs ago when ds was little, the recommendation was to start with baby rice at 4 months. SO your friend would still be early (and still have raised a few eyebrows at that time) but not so ludicrously early as it seems now. The majority of children came to no harm through this regime, though no doubt there are good reasons for the change in recommendations.

There is no evidence that babies are harmed by weaning between 4 and 6 months. There is evidence that the gut (possibly kidneys - not looked that up recently) can be damaged by 'early weaning' which is weaning before 17 weeks (not 26 weeks). Weaning before 17 weeks (although rarely this early) is very, very occasionally recommended (mostly in third world) as a preference to formula for a baby with poor weight gain that has a medical need for a top up. It is not forward to wean pre 17 weeks it may be necesary in an extreme circumstance where there was a problem and is not desirable. It is likely he will be fine as lots of mothers were advised to wean babies from 3 months in the 70s and also advised to be put straight onto an adult diet. It is not ideal, maybe she needs to look at some research and understand that giving him food won't make him clever and is not a sign he is clever.

Nothing - none of your business. As per Cory, my ds1 is 9 and I started weaning at 14 weeks because he was a big, hungry baby (putting on 1lb a week on a breast only diet) and I was exhausted. He took to food like a duck to water and despite a family history of allergies he has been fine, maybe because I continued to BF. He's also the child with the broadest palate and was the easiest of the three to wean.

Can I just point out in case anybody else reads this whilst searching for info, that a baby being big and putting on weight well on bm is not a sign of needing solids. In fact, it's a sign that the baby is thriving on breastmilk. And if you want lots of calories, milk is the way to go. At the other end of the spectrum, people argue that small babies need weaning earlier. Weight does not tell you a baby needs weaning.

I obviously refer only to a healthy baby. There are medical reason why a baby may need weaning earlier but this should be done under the recommendation and guidance of professionals.

Most children weaned early will probably be fine but all the anecdotal evidence in the world won't undo the facts.

Honestly? I would make up a tale about your cousins baby who (insert details here) and developed intolerances which the consultant said was a result of early weaning. Perhaps she could do some research herself about weaning. I would say it delicately.
Probably the wrong approach but the one I would take. I think an anecdote from the opposing side might make her think.

I would probably express concern, but say it like "14 weeks, wow, are you sure, I thought it was supposed to be 17 weeks at the earliest. What does your HV say?" - that way it gives her a chance to go off and check it if she was genuinely unaware - if she knows, she probably isn't going to be convinced by you and it is more likely to annoy her.

Nothing you can do.

A woman in my NCT group started at 11 weeks and was also boastful and proud of how advanced he was for 'needing food'.

why say anything?

would you say anything if she FF only? i doubt it. and that would be (statisitically) worse than continuing with mixed feeding.

when i was born, mother ws told she must wean at twelve weeks - so why are you acting like it is poison?

I'm guessing your friend will mention the feeding to her healthvisitor at her baby's next appt. It's up to her healthvisitor to put her right about when/when not to wean

It's none of your business, heeka. When my DC1 (now 18) was born, that was the standard (or even a bit earlier).

Although baby rice is no way to eat, it is not particularly harmful either. I hate to think what my generation was brought up on (dried eggs and national dried milk from 8 weeks, I think).

Your friend is probably taking advice from someone from a different generation.

She might be bringing it up but she's not asking your opinion.

If it's a normal conversation I can't understand why you haven't said before that you're going to wait, possibly with the reasons alongside.

Don't tell her what she's doing is wrong unless you're prepared for some frostiness or have the right tone to carry it off. I've had this a bit: I say what I'm doing, they say what they're doing, we agree to differ without issue.

Because of your nervousness this could be tough, however "gently" you try, and I'm afraid gentleness will seem patronising, I really do.

one friend of mine said she was going to wean from 4 months because that's what the jars of baby food say on them. I responded by saying that I'd originally thought 4 months was fine too* but had heard that 6 months is recommended and what did her HV say? don't know if she listened to me, but was all I could say without being supremely patronising.
I think all you can do is come on here and moan about it really!

I never thought this, as I read* and am therefore aware of guidelines and why they are in place. she doesn't read. it's not going to kill her baby though.

I was suprised how many people took the attitude that it was a sign of development to be weaned and were proud of their 4 mo DCs slurping back a whole carrot, WOW!

Agree with most people here that you would be best to keep quiet or just mention in passing that you are planning to wait till 6 months, as there isn't really a way to tell her she is an uneducated turnip without offending her.

say nothing, she is his mother not you. having food early won't kill him and doesnt necessarily imply she is an "uneducated turnip"

just be confident and smug that your parenting is world better than hers, and in fact anyone elses

Ok, thanks for the varied opinions guys, even the slightly uphelpful and unfriendly one (Wilkos!).

My own instrinct is really to say nothing, hence having done exactly that until now, but was interested to see what others might think.

I don't in any way think that she is going to do her child any dreadful, irreparable damage, but as suggested by a few, may just try to drop in to conversation that I think that more milk is going to give more calories than baby rice, and what has her HV said on the subject - conversationally rather than lecturing.

Almostreal - I have no intention of criticising or of saying anything that will come across that way.

Upandrunning and Explodingbananas - I agree, and if I had a child of the same age I would do exactly that! Mine is older.

Heeka

Have spent the day at my MIL's, can't you tell!

You could get off your moral high horse and let her parent her child as she sees fit! She is not doing anything wrong.

Nothing. I was appalled to learn by DB and his partner started their DS2 on solids at 3 motnhs and that my SIL started her twins on solids at 5 months. But it's their decision. I just enjoy basking in the knowledge that I was right in waiting until by DD was 6 months old

No problem Wilkos - I like a variety of responses.

Miss Moopy, I have no moral high horse to get off, as you'd realise if you read more carefully. Whether she is 'wrong' is an interesting point for you to raise though; she is certainly going against current health advice by quite a long way. Of course I will 'let her parent as she sees fit', anything else is hardly an option, is it?

It is an interesting problem, to which I have said I am likely to do nothing - however, that doesn't stop me from thinking about it.

educated people question the guidelines and do further research into what is, in actual fact, probably on average better,

there is currently one looking into introducing food@12 weeks to bf babies
to check the supposition about allergies.

so i wouldn't be too sure that what you hav done is 'right' - because research could always change the view of that. just perhaps that it worked for you, which is good enough.

I was in a similar position to you a few months ago, my friend told me that she had started giving her 12 week old baby solids. I didn't even try to hide my shock and told her straight away that this was dangerous and unecessary and that she should stop at least until she had spoken to her HV. Luckily, she is a very close friend and I knew we wouldn't fall out over it. I knew that she hadn't read anything regarding weaning and was following the advice of her mother. After our conversation friend stopped giving solids, spoke to her HV and decided to wait until baby was 6 months. Baby is now a thriving 9 month old, took to weaning really well and is still breasfeeding. I realise this may have been more awkward were we not so close, but I certainly don't regret saying what I said.