Nursing manners

[BertieBotts]

My DS is 14 months old and although I am happy to breastfeed him at home, I feel self conscious feeding him in front of some friends and family now or people I don't know well. Also, he always asks to nurse by coming up and pulling at my shirt which I find embarrassing. He can do the sign for "milk" and he asks nicely sometimes but it seems when he is tired or nervous (like in a big new group of people!) he is more likely to pull at me.

I have looked up online about nursing manners but all the sites seem to suggest talking and explaining to your child and although I do talk to him about it I'm not sure that he understands well enough, or understands concepts like "later"/"when we get home". I have tried refusing to feed him until he asks nicely but when he is getting worked up about it he doesn't stop and make the sign, he just gets more worked up which makes even more of a scene, and I feel bad because I do know what he wants, I just would prefer him to ask for it a different way!

I have just moved to a new area as well and although I'm not ashamed of breastfeeding past a year, I don't want people's first impression of me to be the woman with the demanding, breastfeeding toddler!

He's still a baby really so I don't think anyone would judge you for feeding him. I often think people admire women who feed older babies - I've never had anything but nice comments.

Would he be fobbed off with a drink of juice/water/cows milk and a snack of some sort if you are really uncomfortable feeding.

Chocolate buttons is the answer

I have the same problem with a 16 month old who cannot feed discreetly - he's too big to do anything but lie down and it takes both arms and a cushion to keep him still!

But I'm used to it by now and he's used to waiting till we get somewhere I can feed him.

Tis my secret excuse to get away from boring relatives as well 'I'll just pop upstairs and settle DS'

I think nursing manners (and indeed any manners apart from basic no hitting / no throwing etc) aren't really applicable as early as 14m.
When he is tired or nervous IMO is when he most needs reassurance and to be close to you, not to be fobbed off or made to 'ask nicely', iyswim.
If you don;t want to feed him, the only thing that migth work is distracting him with somethign else eg a cuddle / song / snack / milk in a cup.

Just reread your OP, and to be honest, I think your expectations of manners for a 14 month old are overly high. If he wants feeding, I would feed him. If you are uncomfortable with feeding him in the place you are, that's fine, try distraction. It just seems a bit pointless to make him ask nicely whatever that means as he will only get more frustrated and agitated and draw more attention to you (I presume that's what you want to avoid). He's way too young to understand the concept of manners.

Agree with the other answers and just a suggestion - if you want him to do the sign or say 'milk' or 'please' or whatever, then when he pulls at your top don't correct him or wait til he does what you want, you do/say it. 'Milk please mummy? Of course darling' and let him have his feed.

OK, thanks for the suggestions. I feel like I have been a bit hard on him now - it's only been over the last few days that I have tried to get him to do the sign before I fed him and it was mainly because I was on holiday with my mum and she kept making comments about how she didn't like to see him pulling at my clothes all the time, and I remembered something I'd read about nursing manners and tried to put it all together, but it wasn't really working - it makes sense if it's more for older children, because he doesn't understand even if I show him how I want to ask, he just gets frustrated.

If it makes you feel better Bertie, my DS2 (18 months) not only pulls my top down but shouts "Beeboo" repeatedly at the top of his voice. Cue lots of people asking "what's Beeboo?" in mystified voices.

Honestly, though, most people are so impressed if you bf a toddler/older baby so I wouldn't presume that people will think you weird if you feed him in public.

My 14 mo does this too and if she isn't pulling up my top then she's shoving her hands into my bra, presumably to check that her dinner is still there I just try to laugh it off, she's only a baby still. Also I wear a vest top underneath whatever else I'm wearing so that DD isn't flashing my tummy to everyone when she lifts my top up.

I have a clothes-puller too (13m) and I wish he could do the 'milk' sign, he can sign 'mouse' and 'hot'- not terribly useful!

It sounds like your mum's comment has made you feel a bit funny. My family all think it's a bit hippyish and 'out there' that I am still feeding but oddly they think the clothes-pulling is extremely cute- if someone had said something I think I would feel it was an issue too. Hopefully it'll be a short lived phase and he will soon learn to be more mannerly...

Nursing manners can start to be introduced at a year but I don't expect complete compliance (isthat the right word) even while I was still nursing DD1 at 3.5 yrs. Just for there to be consideration on both sides.

If DC pulls at your top remove their hand and say 'No Mama doesn't like that. (pause) Do you want to nurse?' (Obviously use your/their own mum name and name for Bfing). As they get older you can start to explain that if they don't ask nicely then they don't get to nurse and build it up from there. It's quite a developmental leap for a child to comprehend going from unrestricted access to bfing to having constrants put on their behaviour re. how they ask for a feed and is (IMHO) a gentle learning curve rather than than a steep one.

At 14 months I really wouldn't hope for too much re delaying feeds when DC asks as at this stage it quite often an emotional need rather than a nutritional need. Which for me means that there is even more impetus for me to allow my DCs to nurse rather than distracting with food.

However, you are in charge of your body and if how you are being asked to bf really makes you uncomfortable or you are unable to feed due to location/situation(i.e. on the loo - my ultimate no go zone) then don't. You wouldn't give in to rude demands/screams/impossible to be fulfilled requests for biscuits, apples, comics or whatever if it wasn't the right time/no money for treat/just before dinner etc so why should nursing be any different.

And before I get flamed I realise bfing is not comparable to comics as here is no emotional ties to a comic but a mum has to draw a line sometimes. I am saying this as one who last fed DD1 in public at 3.4 y/o, has tandem fed in public and fed a toddler whilst heavily pg in public too. I know no shame when it comes to my children but I will not nurse an older toddler who helped themselves or screamed when I said in a minute. I have been 'mugged' and sometimes it can leave a nasty taste in your mouth IYSWIM.

ramble ramble ramble ramble - new years resolution - be concise

I actually feel it is possible to defend your clothing from burrowing in the same way that you can defend your nipples from biting. You just say 'no' firmly and take them off the area, and they seem to get the idea after a while. That having been said, DS3 pulled down my v-neck dramatically in IKEA a couple of days ago and got his face right in there. It was quite funny, but I told him to stop and wait until we got organised the way I like to feed him.

As I see it we have a timeshare of these boobies and they are not his alone. He is relatively young though - 9m - so perhaps things are different for older babies.

I don't think it's an age thing, just what you're prepared to put up with. I have friends who say they hate it when their baby (10months - same as mine) twiddles thier other nipple while they feed. I have never allowed this - I just hold his hand if he tries to fiddle. It's just not ok for me.