Can't seem to move on from having had to give formula top ups when my baby was born

[AppleAndBlackberry]

My DD is 15 weeks old now and is currently exclusively breastfed. When she was born on day 3 she had about 10% weight loss and then about 14% on day 4 and we were advised to give her formula top ups. We didn't want to but the pediatrician did a blood test and said she was dehydrated so we did it but I was really upset about it. My milk came in on day 6 (that was the first day I felt engorged so I think I probably had some milk before that but not enough). We were able to drop the top ups a couple of days after that and she has been breastfed since then.

The thing is I can't seem to stop thinking about it. I was really unprepared for it at the time. I don't mean to offend anyone who chooses to formula feed, but it just wasn't what I wanted. I keep wondering if it was really necessary and if I could have done anything differently.

I'd like to have another child and I just keep thinking about stopping the same thing happening next time but we're not even trying to conceive yet. I'm thinking I could keep feeding DD so that I can express my own milk in pregnancy and freeze it for the new baby but that means I have to get pregnant in a certain timeframe and it seems like extreme lengths to go to.

All the things I have read about the benefits of breastfeeding or risks of formula feeding seem to compare exclusive breastfeeding with exclusive formula feeding or long-term mixed feeding so I can't seem to find much information on the effects of a few formula feeds, which might help me come to terms with it.

I know this probably seems like such a minor thing to most people. I'm really grateful that I could breastfeed at all and I'm really glad that she's healthy and that I even have a child. I just can't seem to get past it.

hiya appleandblackberry,

please try not to beat yourself up over this! as parents we do the best we can at the time, hindsight is a wonderful thing, but at that point in time you were doing what you thought was best.
maybe there were other ways round it or maybe the formula was necessary, you will probably never know
the effects of a few formula feeds i believe will be pretty much non-existent to be honest.
I don't know if you've been reading about the virgin gut and stuff- a lot of people aren't convinced about that anyway, but even those who are agree that a couple of weeks of exclusive breastfeeding will revert the gut back to its regular state

i honestly would not worry over this at all in terms of risks to your child.
it's maybe upsetting you more because it was something you were unprepared for and because it was at odds with what you wanted to do? I know i felt devastated when I had to give ds1 formula in hospital because I wanted to breastfeed him so badly.

I think you should be really proud of yourself that you managed to BF your DD exclusively after having the little hiccup at the beginning.

Giving her a few formula top-ups is not a problem at all! It was probably what she needed at the time so you were only doing your best as her mum.

The effects will be negligable. You should just try to feel happy that you are BFing her now like you always wanted to.

I am sure that your head knows that the effects of a few formula feeds is so negligible that it cannot be measured. That's why you won't find out about it in the research. But your heart is still worried, and can't stop going over what you see as your first "failure" as a mother, yes?

I really feel for you because I beat myself up terribly awfully horribly about not fully breastfeeding. It is only now from a distance of many months that I can see how unreasonable I was. It was really that I pinned a lot of my anxieties about being a new mother (and, I thought, not a very good one at that) onto the breastfeeding thing, so it got absolutely all out of proportion. I seriously think you will be reading this thread in a years time thinking, good heavens, why was I so upset about this?

Can I also, in the nicest most reassuring way, say that if you really can't stop thinking about it, going over those first few days in your head, are feeling very anxious, it is impinging on your enjoyment of your baby etc. then do think about going to see someone eg. your GP or HV, cos it could be the start of PND. And that ain't no picnic so you'll want to get some help.

Hmmm. Surely you have gotten this all out of proportion and perspective. Why are you still so obsessed about it? I am going to gently ask if the anxiety could be a symptom of some sort of illness? and would you consider speaking to your GP about it? What a shame to be spoiling the time you have with your healthy 15 week old baby. You do need to move on but you don't seem to know how to. I think you might benefit from professional help.

Have you read this thread.

Maybe you could benefit from speaking to a BF counselor? I've met ladies in your situation and often what they really need is to 'tell their story' and get advice on how to stop the situation recurring with anymore children.

HTH a little

I think that it's very unlikely that you will have this problem with subsequent children; you will have had many months of BFing experience behind you with your first and - unless you panic a bit in the first few days - you should have more confidence with the second. How about getting a doula or independent midwife to support you at home in the first week?

However, please don't worry about what happened in the early days. Children are actually quite tough and you are now exclusively BFing.

I am sure in a few months when your little one is sitting up, rattling things and starting to coo that you will forget about the first few weeks.

"pediatrician did a blood test and said she was dehydrated"

And you have to believe that she was, and that what happened was necessary - and that you were a good mother, the best sort of mother, to do what was needed to keep her as healthy as possible.

The effects of breastfeeding on your DD's health are all there - it was only a few top-ups, she had breastmilk from day one, and let's face it - can you look at your colleagues at work / friends from school and tell who's been formula fed and who hasn't?

I understand you're grieving for the start you'd hoped to give your daughter. I am lucky, I accept, that I didn't have this to deal with. But there's a difference between that grief and any tangible difference to your DD. She is fine.

How are you, though, generally? Is it just this, or are you possibly a bit depressed? A shot in the dark, but just checking...

Thanks everyone for your responses. I didn't mean to give the impression that I've been obsessing about it day and night or feeling anxious in any way, more that it's been on my mind a bit since I've been thinking about weaning and about having another child and I just realised I'm still a bit sad about it and still have some unanswered questions.

I guess it might be helpful to talk to a breastfeeding counsellor but in this area the ones I know of are NCT volunteers and it seems selfish to take their time up when I'm breastfeeding successfully IYSWIM. Maybe something to do during the next pregnancy?

OK, that's good if you think you can get past it.

It isn't selfish to take up the volunteers' time now. They do it precisely to help people like you. And maybe then you could post here what they say and it would reassure other lurkers who are feeling the same way and who also have unanswered questions.

google the baby cafe and see if there is one near you.
the one i go to is run by 2 lactation consultants who are always happy to sit and chat about problems, past and present and to just discuss bf stuff.

of course, there are days when they are really busy and need to see people with problems right now, but on the whole they do their best to come and tlak to everyone

I sort of know where you're coming from.

I had a similar experience with my DS who ended up having formula top ups in hospital for 3 days, breastfeeding was very important to me and I hated having to give them to him, but had to keep in mind that it would be very stupid to ignore some very strong medical advice. Other than those few top ups he has never had any formula and is now 11 months. It did play on my mind for a while though that technically I couldn't say I had exclusively breastfed him. I now like to think of that formula as medicine to help him with the issues he was experiencing rather than food and that really helped me.

AppleAndBlackberry,

I can empathise with you here. (See my own thread re. "is giving odd formula to BF baby really that bad").

To cut a long story short, I wasn't able to BF DD, and am now BF DS, but this is not exclusive - I have caved in with the odd formula here and there, and am still doing so (DS now 4 and half months), and I am cut up about this all the time. I also wanted to be able to say that I exclusively breastfed for first 6 months (like all the leaflets advise you to do), and to attribute baby's weight gain to breast milk I have produced, rather than to mixed feeds.

At the end of the day though, no two babies or mothers are alike, and you need to keep foused on what was/is right for your baby at the time.

I agree with the others though - if you find you cannot move past your feelings, it's time you talked it through with a health professional. I guess you have made an initial step by coming on here, and I hope we have all helped in our own way.

Actually it does really help to think of the formula as medicine - thanks ChocolateCalculator.

I think I've probably just been a bit depressed recently and been focussing on this as a failure of mine and blowing it out of proportion. I don't think it's PND, I think it's seasonal because I generally suffer at this time of year but will keep an eye on it anyway.

Thank you so much for all your posts - it's really great to be able to come on here and talk about things like this without everyone telling me I'm crazy!

xx

You're not crazy! I went through a similar thing with dd1 - she had extreme weight loss and I had all kinds of bf issues inc mastitis so we were 'advised' to give formula top ups in her first couple of weeks. I was cut up about it but she was then exclusively bf for nine months and is now a very healthy 21 month old. dd2 is 12 weeks and has had no issues whatsoever - in fact she bfs like a queen! In fact my issue is she loves it so much she won't take a bottle meaning I'm going to have to miss a v exciting party on Saturday night . This is merely the first of many guilt-ridden issues you will have as a new parent, but as previous posters have already said, time is a wonderful healer and you will be much more comfortable about it next week, month, even next baby! Well done for bf so much so far - it's not easy, you are doing brilliantly.