People getting wrong ideas about breast feeding and other ponderings.

[jaggythistle]

This came into my head after chatting to my SIL, who is expecting her first in a few weeks. Our boy is two months old and bf.

She is unsure about whether she wants to breast feed or not and was asking me how I am getting on. I told her I thought it seemed a lot easier than faffing about with bottles and am really happy with it. I did say yes it is a tiny bit strange at first, but you get used to it very quickly and we are getting on great. I did have some difficulties at first (baby had tongue tie for 8 days till it got fixed, and milk didn't come in for 6/7 days resulting in very screamy baby) but am so happy to have carried on.

I think I actually held back my enthusiasm as i didn't want to scare her!

I forgot lots of good things to tell her about it.

Like the amount of time you get to hang out with your baby and just gaze at them hehe!

Also the physical benefits for Mum and baby such as helping the uterus contract. I am shocked at how much weight I have lost, I must be one of the lucky people who has a baby eating lots of calories for them (and i forgot to eat a lot at first).

She said though - "if you breast feed though you have to do it for 6 months" so I explained that that wasn't the case and about it being all the baby needed for 6 months, not a compulsory thing.

I think people get funny ideas about it before they do it and it puts them off unnecessarily. Also they have no idea what to expect.

I was very keen on bf before I was even pregnant and deliberately found out as much as I could about what I was likely to experience. Even with that knowledge, I was left in tears one day during his 3 week growth spurt and my husband heard me on the phone and came home from work and rescued me, so I could eat! It is sad to hear so many stories about people with new babies feeding frequently and thinking that there is something going wrong with their supply.

It just makes me a bit depressed how most people seem to still think it is such a chore. It can be hard of course but when it is going well, I think it's been great so far.

Another part of my rambling is how demand feeding is seen as strange (certainly by some of my relatives) but to me it just means giving up a bit of time to look after the baby when he is young. I would really love more sleep or time to do things, but I don't feel the need to start forcing him to go hungry to suit me, as some expect. I am just trying to enjoy extra cuddles (and gazing).

Do you think that the culture has become a bit selfish when you hear about babies being given food really early (way before 4 months in some cases) or 'hungry baby' milk because they weren't sleeping 'enough'? It is almost a competition on some forums to see how long the baby will sleep at 2 weeks old or something.

There does not seeem to be enough positive encouragement overall for people thinking of bf. (Unless you visit MN or other nice places for info.

Hope you don't mind me emptying my brain a bit here, any suggestions for encouraging my SIL to be positive about bf without scaring her welcome too. I get on fine with her, but we have not a lot in common except for our husbands being brothers! We are only in touch by the odd text so I am not sure whether I should annoy her with some more info.

thanks.

Your SIL idea about6 months, though wrong, might help her. Once you get that far, it's stopping which is hard, not carrying on.

Breastfeeding can be hard, especially at first, but it can also be a doddle. My second son was latched on at 10minutes old, and at 20 months I just used a breastfeed to get him to sleep.

It seems to be a bit of a postcode lottery - there is loads of encouragement for bfing where I am, and good practical support in most (but not all) the maternity units to get people started off well.

Glad you are enjoying the experience, as am I, on the whole (my nipples don't always agree).

Like you, I always knew that I wanted to bf, with it being best for the baby in so many ways, and am very relieved that it worked out so well for us. There are also all the health benefits for me, but what makes it so good for me is my general laziness and greed... It is perfectly possible to feed while sleeping at night, and acceptable to spend long periods sat on one's botty on the sofa during the day. Couldn't really be bothered with all the sterilising, etc, especially when learning to deal with a tiny baby. And I like eating, so being able to lose weight without going hungry is great for me.

Although I was aware of the potential problems and the fact that it does get painful, I did totally underestimate the time I would spend feeding, especially in the first few weeks.

I agree with pretty much all your ramblings, except maybe the sleeping bit, I always think that one of the reasons quite a few of my friends didn't bf is due to the misconception that somehow a formula fed baby will sleep better than a bf one, and that bf means co-sleeping and constant disturbed nights, which always annoys me as I know loads of people who bottle fed and whose babies didn't sleep and others (like myself) who bf but had babies who slept really well. I'd also say that although with a first baby it might be OK to accept disturbed sleep and do the gazing thing, once you get to no. 3 sometimes it just isn't. If you are so exhausted that your other two children and your DH suffer too much and your family starts to fall apart then yes - maybe your baby does have to be helped to learn to sleep better at night and not be fed every time he wakes but the thing is all of this can be done while exclusively bf and that's what people seem to forget, everyone always talks of switching to formula and I just don't get that at all.

What gets me most is the way so many of my friends seem to think that there is some big difference to the style of parenting between those who formula feed and those who bf. I have friends who said they didn't want to bf because they wanted to have a routine - which is maddening - if you are the type of person (as I am) who wants to have some sort of a routine then you can do that while bf. The fact is some people are much happier with some sort of order and routine (and if that's their way then they can do it while bf - I'm not talking some crazy strict 4 hr feeding routine, just something that works for your own baby) and some people are happy to go with the flow, have absolutely no routine etc and that's fine too if it suits them and again can be done whether bf or ff feeding. The truth is I don't really understand people who CHOOSE to ff (and I know quite a few of them) and I find all these weird ideas seem to contribute to their decision.

So that's my rambling thoughts anyway to add to yours!!

Agree with all you've said...and a further thought.

People seem to think that BF is harder work but I would have found it incredibly hardwork to make up bottles all day.

Plus, as an outdoor type, if you're BFing, you can spend all day out without having to worry about running out of milk, or the milk getting smelly.

Lots of FF babies don't sleep. And it's a lot easier to get back to sleep yourself if you're BFing.

Another advantage of BFing is that you are less likely to have to wean a toddler off a bottle. And there is something very sweet at watching an 18 months old, sitting in a cafe drinking out of a proper cup.

Wolliw - "Your SIL idea about 6 months, though wrong, might help her. Once you get that far, it's stopping which is hard, not carrying on."

I think she saw this as a negative - as in there's no point if you don't do it for 6 months.

Minshu - I am not sure what support she will get if BF, my Mum has been great, but my MIL (and hence hers) has been very unsure about his feeding. She is in adifferent area to me too.

Nelly - I think I am ok (if sleepy) with randomness at the moment as it's only been 2 months, but hopefully will be able to see a pattern to follow sometime. He is not always too bad for feeding at night, sometimes he just wakes himself up grunting and straining and isn't interested in a feed, just a help back to sleep.

Last night was awful however, Karma made me be up every hour almost after saying I was so happy! Think it is because he has the cold just now, he has some wakeful nights. I can't imagine having a toddler or 2 around as well, could barely remember to feed myself some days at first!

Builde - I have only fed him in the back of my car so far while out, but it was great to be able to do that when needed! I have expressed some milk a few times and even occasional sterilising seems a pita.

thanks

I'm sure I could have fitted in a few extra exclamation marks there if I'd only tried!!!!!!

Hi all,

My DD is almost 4 months now and I was convince of BF her since even before I was pregnant. However something no body tells you is how difficult it can be at first and all the problems you can have. I think jaggythistle that SIL should have all the facts before she can make a decision. Otherwise she may start breastfeeding and give up as soon as she starts finding out all the problems she may have.

In my case if I would have known all the problems I would have still BF my DD but I think it is just fear to have the knowledge bedore you can make any decision.

When my DD was 3 months my breast completly changed and the first thing I thought was that I was running out of milk. It wasn't until I talked with a friend of mine that I discovered all the possible changes that will happen while breastfeeding. I would have like it to know all these things so I wouldn't worry so much for so long.

I love BF, I think there isn't anything like it and I wouldn't change my mind if I had to start againg. Even knowing how demanding the first 2 weeks were. Now it is just part of my rutine, just like cleaning your teeth.

i don't agree, sometimes it's expected you will get problems & that's enough to put people off. a quick overview plus how to get support should be all thats needed antenatally.

"demand feeding is seen as strange (certainly by some of my relatives) but to me it just means giving up a bit of time to look after the baby when he is young. I would really love more sleep or time to do things, but I don't feel the need to start forcing him to go hungry to suit me, as some expect"
i agree, plus i find it less work & stress just to feed whenever (i think) the LO wants it, even if that's 5 mins or half an hour after the last feed. I really don't find feeding almost constantly (during the day!!) a problem, and it means i don't have to listen to screaming!

Not sure about the whole idea of assembling all the facts and then sitting down to make a decision: there is part of me that thinks that bf should be the default position.

(At the same time, I do wish someone had told me that there may be times when bf can go wrong.)

I think that more information should be given during pregnancy. I tried my hardest to bf after an emergency cs after 4 days of induction and found the support in the hospital was inadequate. Also found bf counsellors they sent over to my house on a regular basis really intrusive. One had me in tears on a regular basis and left my boobs bruised from constantly shoving the nipple in my son's mouth. Was only told after failing to bf that I was anaemic after surgery blood loss which is probably why I struggled to feed my big newborn 9lb 6oz baby boy. I asked my midwife for information about problems to expect when feeding when I was 3 months pregnant only to be told "put it this way, some women will find any excuse not to bf". Completely unhelpful. If she had engaged with me at that point perhaps things would be different now. Had numerous problems from the cs and having big (36G) boobs and flat nipples. Yes, the big boob thing is a problem due to not being able to see the latch by the way. We plan to have another child and I feel that I will be better placed to attempt to bf again due to the knowledge I have now. Not telling women the real situation for fear of putting them off is extremely patronising I feel.

I think having successfully breastfed 1 child and unsuccessfully fed the other that the first time round I was not given enough information on how it would hurt at first but you can get through it. All the posters were about gow great it was how cheaop it was but in reality it really hurt and for at least the first 2 weeks was really hard work but was really worth it.
I was prepared for this the second time round and bf was suiccessful,
also the thing about breast feeding being less fuss than bottles was not true at all I found both different work in different ways

babyball - the 'help' you had was awful. I am a breastfeeding counsellor with NCT and I and my colleagues never touch a mother's breasts and only rarely, and with permission, do we touch the baby. Someone leaving you in tears and manhandling you in that way is in urgent need of retraining....I don't think she can have been a 'proper' breastfeeding counsellor, and in any case, we dont 'get sent round' to people's houses normally.

Sometimes, people use the title breastfeeding counsellor and they really should not

I echo what Susiey says. I had NO IDEA that breast feeding would be hard work and painful and how long it would be painful for during those early days. I had blisters on my nipples, cracks, bleeding. It was a big shock to me the first time and I also had no idea about growth spurts and the effect that would have (I thought I'd run out of milk at 3 weeks and gave up at that point with my first DS - there wasn't much support around at that time and in my area - I think the bf counsellor system is wonderful and I wish I'd known about it then).

I felt so angry this time around when I watched the DVD I was given about how wonderful breast feeding is. It was so 'oooh oooh this is the best thing ever'. Yes, it is. Yes, it can be. Yes, it is the best for the baby and mother. I am very pro-breast feeding when it works out well and have been in bits about my failures in this regard. But it is hard work too at first and not everyone experiences are the same - some people take to it really easily and others struggle at first for various reasons. New mothers should be encouraged to breast feed absolutely but if they are not been given the full facts surely it is likely to result in people, like me, giving up too soon?

Absolutely agree with Susiey. I failed to feed DD - cracked & bleeding nipples. mastitis, thrush and a hungry baby so I started supplementing after a week. Second time around I actively sought out help in advance for those problems and made contact with the NCT, LLL, local baby cafes etc to have as many sources of support as possible which has made a huge difference with DS (6 weeks and not really counting!)

I think you need to know about common problems and how they can be dealt with easily but the main thing is knowing exactly where to go to get help.

It helps if the various advisors all say the sam,e things as well though...

I experienced a great variation in the bf help I got from the mws round here - some asked if they could look, let alone touch either of us, while some waded straight in, forgetting their training about asking permission. Found that quite funny at the time, tbh.

Also, I had heard so many negatve stories from friends and in the hospital that I was pleasantly surprised that it worked out so well for us, in spite of the painful times. I do realise that there is luck involved - DD's mouth and my nipples seem to be a good match. 7 weeks in - so far, so good.

So, there needs to be a balance between recommending bf and warning about the reality of the pain, being tied to the sofa for hours at a time. And, being given appropriate support after the birth (including for those for whom it doesn't work out).

Mareta, what you say about your breasts changing at three months is interesting.

With both my two dds, I would say that my breasts felt normal at about 4 months. To the uninitiated it could seem that you have less milk (possibly responsible for the 1950s when everyone was encouraged to wean at 4 months.

However, now we know that it is just the breasts becoming efficient and providing milk on demand as opposed to storing it up.

Builde, after talking with other mothers about how your breast feel, all were in the same situation. I know that I don't have less milk because my DD doesn't seem to be hungry which I guess it would be the first sign of having less milk. All the opposite, now I an feel very well when the milk is coming and how my breast get really fat while my DD is breastfeeding. That feeling I ed to have it all the time before the three months. I am still expressing and cannot see a prblem with the supply, which is very comforting to me. What I can assure you is that I was dead worry when I felt the changes I good have liked it to know this before hand which would have meant being more relax and not killing myself for not being able to breastfeed.
I jut wantd to mention it so if any other woman is in the same situation they should not worry.

tiktok - I had numerous visits from my midwife and a specialist bf counsellor after the birth. Think it is fairly normal where I live, perhaps due to it being a Surestart area where ff is common perhaps. Support in the hospital after cs was minimal as well. Most midwifes in the hospital were very nice people, apart from an unpleasant one who ahouted "who buzzed" when I was trying to get help. It was clear that there was an extreme lack of staff. Being unable to move and get the baby into the rugbyball position myself (essential for those with bigger boobs) was really difficult after the cs. I am very disappointed with the ways things went as being able to bf was important to me.