am i being selfish?

[franfoxy2003]

ok so im bf-ing and dh gives dd (3 weeks old tomorrow) one or two formula feeds a day so i can have a break because im exhausted...3.5year old ds too...

am i being completely selfish letting her have one or two formula feeds a day to give myself a break?

franfoxy - some good ideas here No one should underestimate the real physical and mental challenge of having a newborn and toddler....most of us here (inc me) know that is overwhelming at times.

But at 3 weeks, six hour sleeps plus 2 formula bottles a day may feel good for your exhaustion levels, but for most women, breastfeeding cannot be sustained with that regime.

This is different from 'the respite of a bottle now and then', which prob most women can 'get away with'

Better to tell you like it is, I think....and then you can make your choice.

Obv, you 'feeling like a failure' is not justified at all . That is not what I mean when I'm explaining - and nor should any of us feel 'bad' for explaining. Hope you understand that

Ignore this if you've made your choice, but is there a reason you can't sleep while you're feeding her?

i just tend not to sleep when she is feeding cos i worry about falling into a deep sleep and rolling on her or something...i usually sit up and feed her in bed.

think i will cut out the ff after today, and just ride over the tiredness lol!

Well that's fair enough - you have to make your own choices about what feels safe. I do tend to sleep while feeding, sitting up with loads of pillows around me though, just thought I'd mention it. When she finishes I'm usually half awake - enough to put her in her basket but there's been the odd time we've both snoozed for a few hours.
Good luck with it - hope you're not too tired.

Hullo

OP - can I suggest some things re: tiredness and dealing with older children too.
(I have gaps of 17months and 20 months and having 3 exclusively BF ch8ildren I also have a little experience )
The main thing I found to help was cosleeping - check out LLL or BfN for leaflets. They learn to latch themselves on and only squeak if they need to change sides so you get lots more rest.
Get people to help with housework/cooking meals to freeze. This way your DP can just chuck suff in the oven.
Go to bed really early a few time a week. Even if you don't sleep oyu will be resting. With DS2 and DD I did this regularly and would sometimes get 12 in hours in bed.

HTH

franfoxy - I still feel like a failure, for not exclusively breastfeeding, for not co-sleeping, for not having mastered the art of feeding while lying down... all those things that master breastfeeders do. And as DS is probably the only baby I'll ever have, it's not like I can get it right 'next time'. But at the same time, as this months are so precious I don't want to spend them resenting him being on the boob 16hrs a day, which is the danger without the bottle. And, as I keep telling myself, it's not as though formula is actually poisonous.

It's a constant balancing act, and I feel it's right for me. I suspect I'm going to feel guilty for the rest of his life for one reason or another, so I'd better get used to it!

Herbaceous - there's no need at all for motherhood to equal guilt. What matters is that you and your DS are both happy and healthy. Formula is not poisonous; enjoying your baby is about as important as it gets.

Aw, thanks. I've just settled him after a dreadful colicky screaming session, which I'm convinced was down to my consumption of hot curry and wine last night! Which has upped the guilt. I didn't mean to imply that the state of motherhood automatically entails being constantly guilty, just that I generally feel guilty about just about everything in life. I should have been a catholic.

And sorry about your hamster.

.

In fact, the hamster was eaten by one of the cats, so I hope JB isn't going to sue me.

Fran - I've got a 5 year old and a toddler and 9 week old - and I agree its exhausting.

The things that have made bf easier for me is the feeding laying down at night. I also have a bedside cot - so we sort of co-sleep but she has her own space. Could you perhaps consider one of those?

Also - I utilise the fact that i'm bf to have lots of rests in the day whilst I sit and feed.

But I'm fully aware that I'm very lucky in that I have an extremely easy going toddler and a very easy baby who pretty much has put herself to bed at 8pm since she was a week old. DS1 was a totally different kettle of fish.

Franfoxy - sounds like you have found a solution to your exhaustion which seems to be working for your family. Very important in my opinion.

Tiktok - I am confused have read umpteen posts on here suggesting that your body will produce milk on supply and demand basis and will produce whatever you need so why will 2 ffs per day undermine bf and whats the biology?

Am I missing something?

that is a good point shuffle...surely with these 2 ffs my body will recognise this and just cut down to not accomodate these 2 feeds...as i have said a few times my supply is fine and she is getting enough when i bf, so yes shuffle im confused too now!

When breastfeeding is getting established, then any regular formula feeding undermines the body's ability to produce enough. A couple of ff a day after months and months of bf will have much less impact...but in the early weeks, the production line needs round-the-clock frequent stimulation to keep going. Long gaps between breastfeeds means productions slows down and gradually ceases. That's the biology - and three weeks is very early days to be messing with it, really, and expecting bf to continue despite it.

Most women need to feed 8 x in 24 hours minimum to build up and maintain a breastmilk supply. Some done't - and some need to feed quite a bit more often.

This isn't the case later on. Nature doesn't expect babies to live solely on breastmilk for ages and ages, and accommodates rather less frequent breastfeeding when a baby is older - mothers of toddlers can feed very infrequently and still maintain a supply, for instance.

Hope that explains it

Yes thanks tiktok that explains it somewhat but a couple more questions - So as long as you express for the 2 ffs you should be fine?
When would bf be established? Does it take months or weeks?

shuffle, yes you could express for those feeds, at more or less the time they are being given. Does rather reduce the rationale for giving the baby formula, though....

Breastfeeding getting established - this is a gradual process. In fact, it's more that breastfeeding changes as time goes on, and becomes more and more robust and flexible.

So breastfeeding that's been going for several months can still keep going when the mum is at work - she may need to express for comfort though. But she may not need to do this more than once a day. Then even further on, the mum who's bf a toddler can even go all day without bf or expressing, and still have milk when her toddler wants it.

But leaving gaps of many hours between feeds without expressing in the early weeks is a recipe for breastfeeding cessation - not for every individual mother, for sure, as we are individual in this, but for most women. In the OP's case, a baby who sleeps for 6 hours (that's one large gap) plus 2 formula feeds (that's 2 large gaps) is unlikely to be enough stimulation at just a few weeks in, and breastfeeding may dwindle and then cease (unless she starts feeding more often). Not 100 per cent certain, natch, but pretty likely.

ok i understand now! although yesterday and today i have had plenty of milk being produced...if its still like it tomorrow i will express for the two bottle feeds...will that work out fine?

have started to feed her led down with her in bed and having a little snooze while she is feeding, although she keeps unlatching and then thrashing around til i latch her on again, but this is working and giving me half hours rest and she seems very chilled out after these feeds. She had 2 ffs today and only drank and ounce of them because she has had plenty from me today and yesterday...just comfort i think maybe??

gone back to 2 hourly feeds not sleeping 6 hours at night anymore...(was 2 hourly after that 6 hours i might add)..so lying down with her in bed is proving a god send!

You'll get more sleep with the lying down as you get more practise.

Can you go to bed when your eldest does and just have your DH bring you your baby for feeds?

It isn't selfish to 'not' exclusively bf, but at this stage you are taking quite a big risk with your ability to bf for as long as you might hope to.

hth