Should I email my friends re breastfeeding?

[DitaVonCheese]

I was out for dinner a couple of months ago with two childless friends who we don't see very often any more (we moved 200 miles away while I was heavily pregnant). DD was about nine months at the time and they suddenly asked how long I was intending to go on breastfeeding for. It quickly became apparent that they thought that feeding as long as we had was a bit hippyish and eccentric (I am generally considered to be a bit hippyish and eccentric, so they obviously thought this was yet another manifestation of my strange ways). One of them told me that it wasn't really necessary now she was on solids (BLW and doesn't eat much!). I was so taken aback that I couldn't really give them any decent answers, not helped by DH chipping in with his views on extended bfing

Since then I've spent several weeks furiously arguing with them in my head and composing angry (hypothetical) emails, the way you do when you couldn't think of a response at the time. I've come to realise though that they are coming from a position of ignorance, not because they are anti-bf per se. I remember being genuinely amazed to read that bfing is recommended up to two years (and beyond) as I had absolutely no idea it would still be beneficial at that age. I do therefore think that they might be more supportive if they knew a few more of the facts. I was thinking of emailing them something like this, which seems relatively clear and concise.

Any thoughts? I have seen one of them since (and am due to see her again in a few weeks) but it didn't come up again, although now I tense up in case I suddenly get challenged again!

Seeing you doing it will start the 'normalising' process for them, they might ask you for help when they get there.

Please be wary of articles like the one you linked to though, it was information like that which really upset me when my DS was newborn. It is over simplistic and unbalanced. I've given two DCs breast milk for over 6 months and for me it was difficult and upsetting in the main. I do try and give a balanced picture if anyone asks me my experiences (don't want to put people off!).

I have arguments in my head too. Often in French.
Just feed her in front of them next time you are arond them and wait for the comments and then say sweetly 'oh, didn't you know the WHO recomends 2 years or more?' Do try not to add 'you uneducated twit' at the end. Let your tone do that.

Agree with others, when you don't have children, you just don't 'get' breastfeeding. It's not worth the effort trying to educate them - they will probably change their opinions if/when they have children anyway.

Before I had my kids, I had a job where I was interviewing women with children/babies and on occasion the women would bf in front of me. I can remember getting on my high horse and thinking it all very inappropriate. Of course, now I bf anywhere and everywhere and am mortally ashamed of my prechild stance.

Oh I completely agree TryHarder.

I was breastfed myself exclusively for a year (my mother was seen as a hippy in her day) and had no problem with breastfeeding at all. Well, I thought anyway.

But before I had a child if I saw a woman breastfeeding to use a horrid, judgey adjective 'indiscreetly' -- I would inwardly sigh and think she was trying to draw attention to herself.

I too am mortally ashamed I had those thoughts and fully recognise that many childless people have totally fucked up attitudes to mothering.

I'd leave it. Most of us had very different opinions on parenting especially bf until we actually became mothers ourselves.

I was in a similar situation this weekend when my best friend (who can't have children due to an unusually early menopause in her 30's) met me and DS2 (8 weeks). I ordered a small glass of rose with her and she commented along the lines "ohh, are you supposed to have a drink when breastfeeding". I casually said how it was only 1 small glass of wine and she replied back "I guess you get less strict on yourself the more children you have..." I felt like I was doing something bad by bf and having a glass of wine that yesterday I almost sent her the link to Kellymom about bf and drinking. I stopped myself. She meant no harm and she really doesn't have the full info.

Friends and family with or without children will always have opinions on parenting, feeding, sleeping etc that don't necessarily agree with ours. Life is too short to get heated about the small stuff.

I agree with the others, I'd definitely leave it, for the sake of the friendship. You're passionate about bf & interested in it; they are clearly not (however, this doesn't stop them to express their bossy opinions, gggrrr)... I think it's one of those things really where unfortunately you're left arguing in your head & that's that, nothing more to do about that.

I think that's actually often the case when we have children- I mean, in our relationship with friends who dont' have children. I have often felt- since having my DS- that my childless friends are in one of 3 categories:

1. uninterested (in which case I simply avoid the subject of DS as much as I can & respect their lack of interest although it sometimes annoys me or may mean we end up not as close with these friends).

2. interested & expressing opinions all the time but without really basing their opinions on any experience. This is the hardest category! I usually don't engage in a debate, or if I do, I just am a bit vague & noncommital, as I don't want to seem bossy in the reverse way i.e. 'I'm a mum, you're not, what do you know'.

3. interested & engaged in my DS (that's the best category of course).

(just wanted to add, that obviously I don't believe that childless women CAN'T have an opinion on raising children!! It would be ridiculous to believe that, often they have fantastic & very interested opinions. It's just that I hate it when these opinions are bossy or very 'certain' iyswIm).

There is a fourth category, Maria - the friends who have dogs or cats, and bring them into the conversation as if they are their kids. I had a work colleague who did this, and a friend. 'Oh yes....Fluffy's just the same' or 'I know what you mean - when Bessie had her pups we were up three times a night.'

Silly twits

I'm interested in how many of us had completely different views on bfeeding pre-DCs. I was always going to bfeed my baby, but I was going to stop when the baby got teeth...... I just posted on another thread advising someone that teeth are no reason to stop feeding . Still bfeeding DD3 at 13 months too.

Yes, the pets-as-children is quite an interesting one!!

I too had very strong opinions about all sorts of things- about raising kids, including BF- before I had DS. Nothing wrong with that really, except that lots of my opinions have completely changed when I was faced with the reality of various situations...

I remember though that I used to feel quite irritated when my friends with children (at the time when I was childless) ignored my opinions or were a bit patronizing due to the fact that I lacked experience so couldn't really comment. I think that can be annoying too, actually, if we look at it from a different point of view. I mean, we have to admit that sometimes parents can become a bit smug & know-it-all based on their own experience only, while there are childless people who have very interesting & useful opinions about children (and in many cases lots of experience working with children, even if they don't have them themselves).

The category which I particularly dislike though- not just with childless friends but with everyone- is those who have strong opinions on subjects they know nothing about & just have a vague idea about through the media.

Tiktok my parents got a puppy three days after I had DD and my gran has a cat who is the light of her life, and they all regularly counter my parenting tales with stories about their pets.

Poledra I always intended to bf, first for six months, then for a year (based on how my understanding of the guidelines changed), but found the idea of feeding a toddler weird/icky/etc MN has completely normalised extended/NT bfing for me (so thank you everyone who posts about it ) even if I'm not planning on bfing that long myself (though DD shows no signs of slowing down).

My cousin (who lives in Manhattan) was a little offended by a colleague of hers carrying a bottle of ebm through the office a few months ago. She is now pumping every three hours for her prem baby () so I'm wondering how her views have changed, but it's obviously not an appropriate time to ask!

"those who have strong opinions on subjects they know nothing about & just have a vague idea about through the media. "
Yes, especially when that's through programmes like Supernanny, or programmes such as "Weird hippy STILL breastfeeding her 4 year old - is this right? Vote yes or no"
"Should women be allowed to feed discreetly in public. Vote yes/no/urgh that's disgusting"

having had both dogs and kids, i think there plenty of parallels to be drawn - though pretty much everything takes less time in a dog. Every phase is shorter - only 2 years and bang! you've got an adult.

Also, i don't think having kids necessarily prepisposes you to any particular opinion, so a childless persons opinion is not less valid. Though probably I'm more sympathetic to parenting problems now, i don't see them as straightforward.

The negative press for BF particularly does make me want to attack anti-bf views where i find them though...

I would leave it, but consider your guest list for dd's birthday party - if you know in rl any currently breastfeeding mums, especially of older babies or toddlers, that would be good.

I found out about a group that meets in Halifax (sorry if that's absolutely nowhere near you) called Breastfeeding Beyond Babyhood - it sounds like a really good idea for extended bfers everywhere. I didn't manage to bf ds1 for very long but hope to continue with ds2 for quite a while, though he may well end up needing some formula feeds when I return to work in about 7 weeks (gulp).

don't email. They'll think you're bonkers.